When does something make you…or break you?

How do you decide that something is going to make you stronger or break you down entirely?

It is a decision in a way…you either pick yourself up and try harder or you pull into your shell, feel the pain, and allow yourself to be broken for a little while.

The dumbest little things can send me into a spiral. I’ve got very high expectations of myself. I do not handle failure or rejection very well. I can barely stand criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do expect certain things from myself, things that I know I’m capable of.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months. Hell, I’ve been through a lot since 2011. The day I found out I was pregnant. Since having my babygirl things have been a struggle. Since flipping my lid in October it’s been a long hard road of healing. And I’m still not there yet.

My university work is very, very important to me. I work fucking hard. At least most of the time. I put in the hours and I do what I need to. I try my best.

So when something goes wrong I’m usually quite devastated.

I had to take research psychology as a module where a lot of statistics work was involved. I know my strengths, and anything to do with numbers is not one of them. I studied really hard, took a test I was confident for and ended up making a REALLY stupid, obvious mistake in my calculations. It dawned on me as I walked out the venue and I couldn’t go back. So I got 16% for that test, which brought my 76% average down to 46%. Now, I work to get distinctions, which is an average of 75 across my 3 modules. Now I’m sitting with 46 for this module which means I need to get at least 50% in the exam to pass this module for this semester. If I don’t, I wont graduate the same time as my friends. My degree will be put on hold. I will officially suck at life.

So yeah, I guess this is something that would break. Completely send me into a spiral of self loathing with my confidence completely shattered. I would likely up my rivotril dosage so I don’t become too worked up, which would cause my brain to be forgetful which would greatly effect my other exams IF I CAN’T REMEMBER FUCK ALL. Which happened the end of last year.

So, I’m upset. This upsets me. I wan’t to cry.

But I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to give in. I am months away from holding my degree in my hand (provided I actually pass) and why let this break me?

I look at all I’ve been through. I look at all I faced. How can I let one, stupid test shatter my self confidence?

I can’t really break, at least not right now.

And I’m definitely not going to.

 

“Ever Failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.” – Samuel Beckett.

 

The Reason

I started this blog as a way to to inform people about epilepsy and bi polar. I wanted to talk about my feelings a bit, to share things, I wanted it to be informative…

But somewhere a long the line I got lost under the words. It just turned so, so depressive.

Geez, self loathing? Anger? Depression? Here I am going on and on about forgiveness and moving on but this blog has just turned into a tangling mess of anger and sadness.

But no more. It’s time to get my sense of humour back. It’s time to write about all the things I wanted to write about. To get back to who I was. Who I am.

It’s time to grow up and get over it,

🙂

xxx

 

Over You

“Over You” – Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

 

…oh how I wish that last bit was actually true…

 

Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 

Suicide (READ ME!)

Suicide – Bobby Gaylor

 

Animals don’t have a choice.
If they’re not happy with their place in the world… too bad.
They have to live the life they’ve been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don’t have to.
We have a choice.
If you don’t like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That’s right.
You don’t like the way your life’s going,
you don’t like the way you are in the world,
anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren’t allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There’d be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras… if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, “What the FUCK!”
Black & white in a green & brown world… this blows.
I’m just gonna jump in the river….
I don’t have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
or even open a jar of pills.
I’m just gonna dive into the next lion’s mouth.
Why even bother?”
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there’s a bunch of people that say,
“Oh, it’s against the law”.
Well, it’s only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, “Oh, we should save them”.
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn’t that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it’s not all bad.
Now, I’m not saying “Kill yourself”.
But if you’re gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
it’s no sweat off of my back.
There’s a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open…
An apartment will become available…
There’ll be more air for me…
They say there’s two girls for every guy – if you’re a man, there’ll be four chicks for me…
There’ll be more Ketel One vodka for me…
There’ll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out…
I won’t ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
and have the clerk point at you and say, “They bought the last bag”….
You won’t help change the McDonald’s sign to a Hundred Billion Served…
You’ll never get AIDS…
You won’t have to worry about calories ever…
No more, “Hey, does this make me look fat?”…
There’ll be one less polluting human…
You won’t have to recycle… There’ll be one less car on the road…
There’ll be more Ring Dings for me…
Fifty or so chickens’ lives will be spared…
Your fingers won’t ever get red from eating pistachios…
You won’t be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore…
No more church…
You’ll be saying, “Hey, World – Kiss My Ass!”…
No more wet dreams about Supermodels…
No more Barry Manilow… Not for a few years anyway…
Wondering “Am I a loser?” will be a thing of the past…
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles…
You won’t have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion…
F*#K flossing and brushing…
You’ll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare…
Adios, Acne…
Worrying whether you fit in or not won’t be on your brain…
See ya later, homework…
You’ll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park…
School’s out forever….
No more paying bills…
You won’t have to do chores…

You won’t be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though…
You’ll also miss McDonald’s French Fries…
Bugs Bunny…
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time…
You won’t be able to watch the letterbox director’s cut of Jaws…
Candy…
Living above ground…
Pudding crust…
You’ll miss the rush of getting your first apartment…
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to
“F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did”…
You’ll miss sex – you’ll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners…
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever… Roller coasters….
Naming your kid the name you always wanted…
Making a difference in the world…
You’ll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics…
Watching your neighbor’s wife change clothes with her blinds open…
A lifetime of masturbating…
Watching your favorite team sweep the series…
Music, you will definitely miss music…
Trying to sneak into your house drunk – three hours past your curfew…
You’ll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks…
The taste of Captain Crunch…
If you’re a boy, you’ll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl’s shirt…
If you’re a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy’s pants…
You’ll miss your favorite coat…
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries…
Beating your friends at video games…
You won’t be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be…
You’ll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love – thirty years after the fact…
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas…
Skinny dipping…
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin…
Flying cars…

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

 

No Words

I’m feeling better today. A little, not completely.

Had my first day back as a third year psychology student. History is my second major and I’m pretty excited about that. My schedule is pretty cool, only morning classes (even though they are very early). So I’m glad to get back into he swing of things and just take my mind off all the bullshit that keeps circling around in my head.

An idle mind is MOST DEFINITELY the devil’s playground.

xxx

 

I feel depressed.

Not in general, but definitely today. I just feel so sad. So useless. So lonely.

I’m missing a friend, was hoping to see him again soon. But things have just gotten so complicated. I don’t know when I will see him.

I go back to Varsity tomorrow. Which is good I know, I am keen to getting back to doing some work, stimulating my mind a little. But I’m also a tad freaked out. My final year, so much work. I’m nervous. I know that’s just the depression whispering “you’re useless” into my ear.

The weather is very rainy. I love rain, but not today. I wish there was some to fry my brain a bit. Rain always makes me think too much.

And I’m lonely. So so lonely. I miss the aforementioned friend, Gee. Wish I could just hug him or something. But like I said, shits’ complicated there. So that’s where the loneliness is kicking in. I miss being in a relationship (kind of). I have a few dates lined up and I ma seeing my good friends, so I’m not alone as much as I feel alone. I think my mind is just lonely. It feels lonely all up in my head. There’s plenty of voices, telling me how pathetic and stupid I am and reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made but besides for that it’s lonely in there. Does that make any sense or does it just sound insane?

My daughter is getting bigger everyday. Things with her father are terrible. He’s a dick. It’s as simple as that. And is not contributing a cent towards her life. So that’s depressing all in itself.

But what I mean is my babygirl is getting so big and I feel like I’m doing a terrible job. That my bipolar is going to ruin her life someday. That I’m going to hurt her. Once again. Just the depression talking.

Right?

 

Quick Update!

Hey guys!
Sorry I’ve been so quiet. Just haven’t had much to say. I’ve been checking up on all of you though 🙂

I go back to varsity on Monday. And I’m really excited. I’ve been on holiday for almost 3 months and it’s just too much now. I find when I’m not keeping my mind busy it wonders too far. I get depressed, I get a bit manic. I drink and smoke or I punish myself at gym. I go out with some friends or I lock myself in my room with my lap top. So many ups and downs.

So it’s definitely time for me to get out there again, do something excited. It’s the final year of my BA. I have so much to look forward to.

I’ve been a bit hyper for a bit, haven’t been eating or sleeping well. And I only realized last night. I asked my doctor to lower my meds a bit, cause I was feeling so great. But I now I don’t think it’s so wise. I’m just watching myself very carefully.

Everything will be okay.

There’s been a few changes. I’ve lost a good friend due to my less than classy behaviour. But it’s ok, I feel strangely fine with it. I’m slowly weeding out all the poisonous people in my life.
Anybody who brings me down or makes me feel bad about myself… I say a very quick goodbye.

I’m still on this path of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and those who’ve hurt me. And anyone who wants to intentionally make me feel horrible…well they can just fuck right off 🙂

Well anyway, just a quick update.
Hope everyone is taking care of themselves.

Big hugs
Xxx

 

New Year’s song for my heart

t+I have this sort of tradition. Foe every new year that passes I choose a song that I think represents where I am and where I’m going and what I want to do and be in the year to come.

So my song for 2013 is Here I go again by Whitesnake. It was either that or Times are a’changing by Dylan. But I like to have upbeat happy songs for my yearly choice. I like to listen to it when I’m feeling particularly down and it gives me some sort of a renewed hope.

I love music.

No, I don’t know where I’m going 
But, I sure know where I’ve been 
Hanging on the promises 
In songs of yesterday 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 
Here I go again 
Here I go again 

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer, 
I never seem to find what I’m looking for 
Oh Lord, I pray 
You give me strength to carry on, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

I’m just another heart in need of rescue, 
Waiting on love’s sweet charity 
An’ I’m gonna hold on 
For the rest of my days, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

But, here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go 

‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,

So yeah, that sort of is how I feel about this coming year. I’m lonely. There! Ha! I admitted it. I’ve lost a lot of friends and turned down a lot of love and that has made me feel lonely. I’ve been denying the fact I want somebody but I guess I do. The thing is it’s loneliness driving this immediate desire to get into a relationship and that is so, so bad. So hence the song, I’m going at it alone. And God knows I’ve been through a lot of pain this past year and I’m going into 2013 with no illusions, that pain and loneliness will come with me – I’m still working on fixing it. But I’m going to do it on my own, if I happen to fall in love and make some good new friends then great, but I’m perfectly okay with having to walk this journey on my own, ok, I’m relatively okay with it. I’ve found out what it means to feel truly alone and you know what, it’s not so bad. I’m ok. And I’m gonna get better.

 

 

Learn the hard way..

“The Hard Way” – Fort Minor

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they’re acting’ so different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t ’cause they’re not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
’cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

 

 

 

That’s pretty much how I feel right now. When it comes to my friends, my family and my general relations with people in life. I look around right now and I see no one, all those people I thought loved me have vanished into thin air. I try grab hold of them, try get them to listen. I try be friendly, funny, cute, thinking they will maybe come back. Maybe love me again. Maybe even just reply to my damned messages.

I’m obviously not getting the hint here.

 

So I guess I messed up pretty bad. I hurt some of them (?) and now they want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. But is it really okay? If they were true friends wouldn’t they see through that, accept my apologies and take my hand and walk this journey with me? And not roll their eyes when I mention I went to AA, or call my blog stupid (granted she is not a friend anymore – good riddance, as painful as it is).

 

I just feel so frikkin damn lonely. Like would anybody give a shit if I disappeared forever?

I’m in my 20’s. Friends are important to me. And I had so many. I was the party girl, the sexy one, the lively friendly ‘let’s go drink a bottle of wine and talk about boys’. I was around for 2 am crying sessions and hour long conversations about why a friend’s boyfriend kept denying her sex.

 

Where are they now? Oh right, I lost my mind, made a few mistakes but am now trying to get better, am no longer the party girl and I guess I’m too boring and stupid for them now.

Hence the idea of learning the hard way, the very very hard way of who is true and who is not.

 

I am depressed today.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

 

And seeing as I’m listening to rap group Fort Minor here is a little song to my so called “friends”. It’s my way of saying a big FUCK YOU. In private of course.

(Sorry for the cussing and such 😦  )

 

“Believe Me”

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I don’t want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I’m just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you’ve got a face to pain
And the devil’s got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don’t really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I’m thinking like the mistake I made doesn’t hurt
But it’s not gonna work
Cause it’s really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You’re on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You’re on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You’re on your own now believe me

It’s not gonna happen with me
You’re on your own now believe me

 

 

 

Or maybe I’m the one whose on their own?

How long til I’m okay with that?

xxxxx