Monthly Archives: May 2013

Why why why

Why is there such a stigma attached to mental illness?

We are in the year 2013, having experienced great leaps of science, medicine and understanding of the human psyche.

Then why, when it comes up and tell someone you actually live with a mental disorder, do they gave you that look and say “ohhhh.”

I’ve been asked a lot of questions when it comes to my bi-polar. Alot of them have to do with my daughter (eg: is she going to have it when she’s older?) and a lot of it is just general misinformed rubbish. I think it’s cause I’m so young. Because no, mental disorders are for older people, with more life experience and more time to go crazy. I can’t possibly be bipolar…I’m too young…the doctor just probably loves dishing out diagnosis and putting you on a bunch of pills.

I’ve met a lot of judgmental idiots. But I’ve also met a lot of caring, understanding and supportive people – yet usually these are the ones who have a disorder themselves, or have a close family member who does. They read my blog and think it’s good (which I’m so grateful for!) and most importantly…they are educated.

It seems like there is not enough literature in the world to educate people and get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness. It’s a societal thing. Engraved in the minds of many, many people who see mental illness in the media as something completely and utterly tragic and something scary. The media, movies and television display mental illness in the most drastic way possible. We don’t all flip our tops and go on killing sprees or talk to the walls and become obsessed with lovers. No, some of us are just your average joe/jane really just trying to make it through life with something real and hard. We just have an extra bag or load to carry with us. But we are not freaks or weirdo’s or “insane.”


Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Bipolar, Random


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The Bitch is back

I love this song! Cheeky, fun and funny. Let’s all aspire to be bitches and take on the world.
And by bitch I mean Babe In Total Control of Herself (Thanks Sherry Argov!)
The Bitch is Back — Elton John
I was justified when I was five
Raising cane, I spit in your eye
Times are changing, now the poor get fat
But the fever’s gonna catch you when the bitch gets back

Eat meat on Friday that’s alright
Even like steak on a Saturday night
I can bitch the best at your social do’s
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don’t like those, my God, what’s that
Oh it’s full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back



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Posted by on May 23, 2013 in Music, Random


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When does something make you…or break you?

How do you decide that something is going to make you stronger or break you down entirely?

It is a decision in a way…you either pick yourself up and try harder or you pull into your shell, feel the pain, and allow yourself to be broken for a little while.

The dumbest little things can send me into a spiral. I’ve got very high expectations of myself. I do not handle failure or rejection very well. I can barely stand criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do expect certain things from myself, things that I know I’m capable of.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months. Hell, I’ve been through a lot since 2011. The day I found out I was pregnant. Since having my babygirl things have been a struggle. Since flipping my lid in October it’s been a long hard road of healing. And I’m still not there yet.

My university work is very, very important to me. I work fucking hard. At least most of the time. I put in the hours and I do what I need to. I try my best.

So when something goes wrong I’m usually quite devastated.

I had to take research psychology as a module where a lot of statistics work was involved. I know my strengths, and anything to do with numbers is not one of them. I studied really hard, took a test I was confident for and ended up making a REALLY stupid, obvious mistake in my calculations. It dawned on me as I walked out the venue and I couldn’t go back. So I got 16% for that test, which brought my 76% average down to 46%. Now, I work to get distinctions, which is an average of 75 across my 3 modules. Now I’m sitting with 46 for this module which means I need to get at least 50% in the exam to pass this module for this semester. If I don’t, I wont graduate the same time as my friends. My degree will be put on hold. I will officially suck at life.

So yeah, I guess this is something that would break. Completely send me into a spiral of self loathing with my confidence completely shattered. I would likely up my rivotril dosage so I don’t become too worked up, which would cause my brain to be forgetful which would greatly effect my other exams IF I CAN’T REMEMBER FUCK ALL. Which happened the end of last year.

So, I’m upset. This upsets me. I wan’t to cry.

But I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to give in. I am months away from holding my degree in my hand (provided I actually pass) and why let this break me?

I look at all I’ve been through. I look at all I faced. How can I let one, stupid test shatter my self confidence?

I can’t really break, at least not right now.

And I’m definitely not going to.


“Ever Failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.” – Samuel Beckett.


Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Random


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Dystonia / Dyskinesia Reactions

I had a dyskinesia reaction to Geodon, which my doctor put me on to help the mania. It was like a rave party in my body. My legs and hands were spasming so bad people around me thought I was having a full blown grand mal seizure. I kept saying ti didn’t feel epilepsy-like. I was still fully conscious and understanding everything around me, I juts couldn’t stop the twitching. It was really weird. So off I went to hospital where I stayed for the night. Then I went home. Then I went back and stayed another night – and that’s when the casualty doctor figured I was having some kind of reaction and gave me a drug to counteract the geodon in my system.

I felt as high as kite after that. I had no clue what was going on around me for a few days. My mom was furious, how can a drug that’s supposed to help you actually CAUSE so much more damage?

So I decided I didn’t want to be on those meds, went back to hospital and stayed for about 2 days, just flushing all the drugs out my system with enough saline solution that I had to pee every hour. I also got a range of tests done, MRI, catscan, another eeg. And, well, I don’t have a brain tumour or anything (yay!) just the epilepsy…the electric pulses in my brain werk nie so lekker nie (afrikaans for my brain is fucked up). I was glad there is nothing hugely neurologically wrong of course. But I was bummed about having to change my psych meds. I’m now back on zyprexa. That little white pill that knocks you out and “makes you eat like a horse” (my doctors words!)

I’ve already gained about 2 kg and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Sigh. I mean it’s not too bad, I’m short, I weighed 51 kg about, I needed to put a bit of extra weight on. BUT I don’t want it to carry on! I’m way to vain for that shit.

Anyway, I found some cool info on dystonia/dyskinesia reactions. Read if interested:

A number of drugs are capable of causing dystonia. In most cases, people develop an acute dystonic reaction resulting after a one-time exposure. Symptoms may include intermittent spasmodic or sustained involuntary contractions of muscles in the face, neck, trunk, pelvis, and extremities. The symptoms are usually transient and may be treated successfully with medications such as Benadryl (diphenhydramine).

Another type of drug-induced dystonia is called tardive dystonia. Tardive dystonia is a form of tardive dyskinesia, which includes involuntary movements that resemble multiple movement disorders. The term tardive means “late” to indicate that the condition occurs some time after drug exposure, and the terms dyskinesia and dystonia describe the types of movements involved. Tardive dyskinesias are neurologic syndromes caused by exposure to certain drugs, namely a class of medications called neuroleptics which are used to treat psychiatric disorders, some gastric conditions, and certain movement disorders. The amount of exposure to such drugs varies greatly among patients. Tardive dystonia and dyskinesias may also develop as a symptom of prolonged treatment with levodopa in some Parkinson’s disease patients.

Drugs belonging to this class of neuroleptics include (trade name listed in parenthesis): Acetohenazine (Tindal), amoxapine (Asendin), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Permitil, Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane, Daxolin), mesoridazine (Serentil), metaclopramide (Reglan), molinndone (Lindone, Moban), perphanzine (Trilafrom, Triavil), piperacetazine (Quide), prochlorperzine (Compazine, Combid), promazine (Sparine), promethazine (Phenergan), thiethylperazine (Torecan), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), triflupromazine (Vesprin), and trimeprazine (Temaril).

Symptoms may develop after weeks or years of drug exposure. Both tardive dystonia and other tardive dyskinesias typically involve (but are not necessarily limited to) the muscles of the face. Symptoms may also include muscle spasms of the neck, trunk, and/or arms.

The movements typical of tardive dystonia are generally slower and more sustained than other dyskinesias, though the presence of a dystonic tremor in opposition to the main dystonia movement may cause a more rapid appearance of movement. Dyskinesias are usually characterized by quick, jerking movements that may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering, and eye blinking. The arms, legs, and trunk may also be involved. Movements of the fingers may appear as though the individual is playing an invisible guitar or piano.

The frequency and pattern of movements may fluctuate. The predominant condition (for example if symptoms are mostly dystonic) will usually dictate the course of treatment.


(Not mine! Taken from

It’s funny how meds made to help you can actually hurt you more. I was on the geodon since October then all of a sudden the reaction just cropped up. It sucks, I liked that medication. Just not the rave party in my muscles.

Oh well, it’s all a process of trying and failing I guess. Finding what works for you. I wish I didn’t have to use the Zyprexa, but my doc and I agreed I need to be on a anti-psychotic. Rather that then another trip to crazyland.

Peace and Love to everyone 🙂



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The Reason

I started this blog as a way to to inform people about epilepsy and bi polar. I wanted to talk about my feelings a bit, to share things, I wanted it to be informative…

But somewhere a long the line I got lost under the words. It just turned so, so depressive.

Geez, self loathing? Anger? Depression? Here I am going on and on about forgiveness and moving on but this blog has just turned into a tangling mess of anger and sadness.

But no more. It’s time to get my sense of humour back. It’s time to write about all the things I wanted to write about. To get back to who I was. Who I am.

It’s time to grow up and get over it,




Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized


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I hate the way I feel right now.

I feel stressed. Anxious. Sad. Lonely. Scared.

And I don’t even know why. I have everything I could possibly need or want. A beautiful child, a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family.

What the fuck is wrong with me?


Posted by on May 6, 2013 in Random


Over You

“Over You” – Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.


…oh how I wish that last bit was actually true…

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Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Depression, Music, Random


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