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Monthly Archives: February 2013

All of 21

It’s my 21st birthday today. Crack out the beer and vanilla cake (two of my most favourite things)!

I’ve always loved birthdays and this is an especially important one I guess so I’m happy 🙂 I’m currently sitting in my pajama pants, it’s 11AM and cold outside and I am thinking. Thinking about these past few years and the pile of shit I have shifted my way through. It’s just so much…yet here I am, stronger than ever and genuinely excited about being alive today. And to think just a few months ago I wanted to die and now here I am loving every minute that goes by and planning a party for Saturday and getting excited because the guy I’ve been seeing is meeting my family properly tonight.

Life is funny, aint it?
But it is exactly what you make it.

I’m thankful for being alive today. I’m thankful for doctors, medication and therapy and all that has helped get me on the right track again. I’m thankful for my family and friends and the amazing support structure I have around me. Most of all, I am thankful for my amazing, beautiful baby girl. When I was 16 and someone was to say I’d be a mom to a one year old by 21 I would have laughed, no way, I was much too clever for that. But here I am, celebrating my 21 years with a baby girl on my hip, scars on my wrist and a heart full of gratitude and and memories filled with pain – and hope.

Bob Dylan is keeping me company this morning. And as corny as it is, here is a song, I dedicate to myself. Cause I’m cool like that.

 

“Forever Young”

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

 

Nobody really wants to stay forever young…but I like the words of the song. “May your song always be sung.” Growing old and moving on with life is natural, there is no point being stuck in the past or trying to hold onto times gone past. And that’s what I want for this new year of mine. Move on from the pain, move on from the heart ache. To bigger brighter things, I’m still so young, I have so much to look forward to.

So here I go…

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Posted by on February 25, 2013 in Random

 

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Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in Bipolar, mania, Relationships

 

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First Date

I went on a date with a very nice boy last night. It was completely and entirely amazing. I’ll be seeing him again.

Please me, don’t fuck this up!

I’m feeling more me and me everyday. I want to be normal and date a normal boy and just be happy. so yeah,

fuck you bi-polar. Watch me kick your ass.

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Suicide (READ ME!)

Suicide – Bobby Gaylor

 

Animals don’t have a choice.
If they’re not happy with their place in the world… too bad.
They have to live the life they’ve been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don’t have to.
We have a choice.
If you don’t like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That’s right.
You don’t like the way your life’s going,
you don’t like the way you are in the world,
anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren’t allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There’d be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras… if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, “What the FUCK!”
Black & white in a green & brown world… this blows.
I’m just gonna jump in the river….
I don’t have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
or even open a jar of pills.
I’m just gonna dive into the next lion’s mouth.
Why even bother?”
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there’s a bunch of people that say,
“Oh, it’s against the law”.
Well, it’s only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, “Oh, we should save them”.
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn’t that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it’s not all bad.
Now, I’m not saying “Kill yourself”.
But if you’re gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
it’s no sweat off of my back.
There’s a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open…
An apartment will become available…
There’ll be more air for me…
They say there’s two girls for every guy – if you’re a man, there’ll be four chicks for me…
There’ll be more Ketel One vodka for me…
There’ll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out…
I won’t ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
and have the clerk point at you and say, “They bought the last bag”….
You won’t help change the McDonald’s sign to a Hundred Billion Served…
You’ll never get AIDS…
You won’t have to worry about calories ever…
No more, “Hey, does this make me look fat?”…
There’ll be one less polluting human…
You won’t have to recycle… There’ll be one less car on the road…
There’ll be more Ring Dings for me…
Fifty or so chickens’ lives will be spared…
Your fingers won’t ever get red from eating pistachios…
You won’t be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore…
No more church…
You’ll be saying, “Hey, World – Kiss My Ass!”…
No more wet dreams about Supermodels…
No more Barry Manilow… Not for a few years anyway…
Wondering “Am I a loser?” will be a thing of the past…
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles…
You won’t have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion…
F*#K flossing and brushing…
You’ll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare…
Adios, Acne…
Worrying whether you fit in or not won’t be on your brain…
See ya later, homework…
You’ll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park…
School’s out forever….
No more paying bills…
You won’t have to do chores…

You won’t be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though…
You’ll also miss McDonald’s French Fries…
Bugs Bunny…
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time…
You won’t be able to watch the letterbox director’s cut of Jaws…
Candy…
Living above ground…
Pudding crust…
You’ll miss the rush of getting your first apartment…
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to
“F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did”…
You’ll miss sex – you’ll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners…
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever… Roller coasters….
Naming your kid the name you always wanted…
Making a difference in the world…
You’ll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics…
Watching your neighbor’s wife change clothes with her blinds open…
A lifetime of masturbating…
Watching your favorite team sweep the series…
Music, you will definitely miss music…
Trying to sneak into your house drunk – three hours past your curfew…
You’ll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks…
The taste of Captain Crunch…
If you’re a boy, you’ll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl’s shirt…
If you’re a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy’s pants…
You’ll miss your favorite coat…
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries…
Beating your friends at video games…
You won’t be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be…
You’ll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love – thirty years after the fact…
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas…
Skinny dipping…
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin…
Flying cars…

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2013 in Music, Random

 

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No Words

I’m feeling better today. A little, not completely.

Had my first day back as a third year psychology student. History is my second major and I’m pretty excited about that. My schedule is pretty cool, only morning classes (even though they are very early). So I’m glad to get back into he swing of things and just take my mind off all the bullshit that keeps circling around in my head.

An idle mind is MOST DEFINITELY the devil’s playground.

xxx

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2013 in Bipolar, Depression

 

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I feel depressed.

Not in general, but definitely today. I just feel so sad. So useless. So lonely.

I’m missing a friend, was hoping to see him again soon. But things have just gotten so complicated. I don’t know when I will see him.

I go back to Varsity tomorrow. Which is good I know, I am keen to getting back to doing some work, stimulating my mind a little. But I’m also a tad freaked out. My final year, so much work. I’m nervous. I know that’s just the depression whispering “you’re useless” into my ear.

The weather is very rainy. I love rain, but not today. I wish there was some to fry my brain a bit. Rain always makes me think too much.

And I’m lonely. So so lonely. I miss the aforementioned friend, Gee. Wish I could just hug him or something. But like I said, shits’ complicated there. So that’s where the loneliness is kicking in. I miss being in a relationship (kind of). I have a few dates lined up and I ma seeing my good friends, so I’m not alone as much as I feel alone. I think my mind is just lonely. It feels lonely all up in my head. There’s plenty of voices, telling me how pathetic and stupid I am and reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made but besides for that it’s lonely in there. Does that make any sense or does it just sound insane?

My daughter is getting bigger everyday. Things with her father are terrible. He’s a dick. It’s as simple as that. And is not contributing a cent towards her life. So that’s depressing all in itself.

But what I mean is my babygirl is getting so big and I feel like I’m doing a terrible job. That my bipolar is going to ruin her life someday. That I’m going to hurt her. Once again. Just the depression talking.

Right?

 
5 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2013 in Bipolar, children, Relationships

 

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