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Category Archives: Depression

Over You

“Over You” – Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

 

…oh how I wish that last bit was actually true…

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Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Depression, Music, Random

 

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No Words

I’m feeling better today. A little, not completely.

Had my first day back as a third year psychology student. History is my second major and I’m pretty excited about that. My schedule is pretty cool, only morning classes (even though they are very early). So I’m glad to get back into he swing of things and just take my mind off all the bullshit that keeps circling around in my head.

An idle mind is MOST DEFINITELY the devil’s playground.

xxx

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2013 in Bipolar, Depression

 

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Dear Princess

To one of the most dearest friends I have had the pleasure (and pain) of knowing.

I’m not sure where exactly everything went south. It wasn’t my attempted suicide, or my manic phases, or your perception that I was flirting with your boyfriend. It wasn’t me becoming a mom so young or trying to change my life overnight. It was somewhere before that, a deep dark place, where the ultimate connection we had was severed. Broken. Something lost. The true love in your eyes disappeared. There was no spark, no more intimate conversations. Yet I tried like hell, tried so hard to get it back. To make you love me. But I don’t think it was enough. Whatever had snapped was broken for good. And we were just living in the fantasy we could continue our friendship as normal.

It’s been months now, since you left me. You caused me the biggest hurt, I never thought I could feel as bad as you made me feel that day. I was in awe of your apathy, your cruelness, your bitterness and anger. I knew these were traits of yours, I just never thought I’d be on the receiving end. Not when I was already so broken down. It felt like you were hammering the nails into my depressive coffin. It broke me.

And yet here I am, another night thinking about you and what went wrong, wishing I could just see you again. To talk to you, yell at you, hit you, hurt you, hug you, love you. Anything. Anything but the cold emptiness you left me with. I don’t think you ever knew how much I truly loved you, and that was my fault. And I will forever regret that, because your loyalty to me, before the shit hit the fan, was outstanding. I should have appreciated you more.

Getting drunk after school like naughty kids. Talking about boys. Whispering in the dark about our dreams until 3am. Holding you as you cried after your brother’s cancer diagnosis. Listening to you. I always listened. I never responded in the way you needed. But I always listened. And these memories cling to me, consume me in the most arbitrary of moments. When I’m on the treadmill at gym, changing my daughter’s nappy, and worst, trying to fall asleep at night. Seeing your face, realizing those memories. Wondering how I could hate and love and miss someone as much as I do you.

But life goes on. You go on. And I’m glad. You have a wonderful man who adores you. And a family that has taken you in as one of their own. You’re hurt and bitter and twisted and angry but you have so much love thrust upon you that I’m hoping it will change. That you will brighten into that girl I first met when we were 14.

I know I will most likely never talk to you again. And it hurts. You haunt me. I don’t know how long this will take. To move on. To get over you. Because I know just how much I fucked up. And I can’t take it back.

But then, I know how much you fucked up. How badly it hurt when you drove that knife right into my chest. When you abandoned me. Yet I try my best to understand your anger and the depths from where it comes.

And I’ve hit the realization that as much as I screwed up, as much as I hurt you, I did not deserve what you did to me. As I slowly begin to forgive myself for the crazy things I did I realize more and more how angry I am at you. And how much I need to forgive you. And that is why you continue to haunt me. Because I know I need to forgive you. So I can finally move on. And be free. And not have thoughts of you keep me up at night.

This letter is bitter and I’m glad you will never read it. That you hate my blog. Because it just fuels my desire to use this place as the means to let out all my feelings and not be judged by the wonderful people I’ve met on here.

I am sorry Princess. But I am even more sorry for you. Cause you lost something good when you threw me away.

But I will still, always, always love you.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2013 in Depression, mania, Relationships

 

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New Year’s song for my heart

t+I have this sort of tradition. Foe every new year that passes I choose a song that I think represents where I am and where I’m going and what I want to do and be in the year to come.

So my song for 2013 is Here I go again by Whitesnake. It was either that or Times are a’changing by Dylan. But I like to have upbeat happy songs for my yearly choice. I like to listen to it when I’m feeling particularly down and it gives me some sort of a renewed hope.

I love music.

No, I don’t know where I’m going 
But, I sure know where I’ve been 
Hanging on the promises 
In songs of yesterday 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 
Here I go again 
Here I go again 

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer, 
I never seem to find what I’m looking for 
Oh Lord, I pray 
You give me strength to carry on, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

I’m just another heart in need of rescue, 
Waiting on love’s sweet charity 
An’ I’m gonna hold on 
For the rest of my days, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

But, here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go 

‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,

So yeah, that sort of is how I feel about this coming year. I’m lonely. There! Ha! I admitted it. I’ve lost a lot of friends and turned down a lot of love and that has made me feel lonely. I’ve been denying the fact I want somebody but I guess I do. The thing is it’s loneliness driving this immediate desire to get into a relationship and that is so, so bad. So hence the song, I’m going at it alone. And God knows I’ve been through a lot of pain this past year and I’m going into 2013 with no illusions, that pain and loneliness will come with me – I’m still working on fixing it. But I’m going to do it on my own, if I happen to fall in love and make some good new friends then great, but I’m perfectly okay with having to walk this journey on my own, ok, I’m relatively okay with it. I’ve found out what it means to feel truly alone and you know what, it’s not so bad. I’m ok. And I’m gonna get better.

 

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2013 in Depression, Relationships

 

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Self Mutilation

Touchy subject I know. But something I have become more aware of since I started this blog. Obviously I was exposed to it as a teenager, from friends and through media and such. I’m not quite ready to tell my story yet. But I thought I’d delve into the topic in a more objective way.

According to the website http://www.twloha.com/facts/ and my 2 year experience studying psychology self mutilation is most prevalent among women and girls and especially during the teenage years. (Though I believe males are just as likely to self harm – it’s just not as reported).

It can take the form of cutting, burning (with cigarettes or a lighter – I remember a type of fad in high school where kids would heat up a lighter and press it to their skin, leaving a kind of ‘smiley’ imprint. Yes, that’s a form of mutilation). It can be eating disorders, hair pulling, punching ones self, picking at wounds or bare skin and of course using drugs or alcohol excessively (although that’s more self destructive behavior).

Basically, self mutilation involves hurting yourself to the extent it leaves marks and causes physical pain to the body.

Now the psychological reasons for it vary. The most common reason is that it is a way for a person to find a release, to let out feelings of pain that they are otherwise unable to express, by hurting themselves physically. It is a kind of relief I suppose and lets them relieve themselves of their pain, if only for a moment. That is the most accepted reasoning by psychologists.

However I have a slightly different take on it. Speaking to people who self mutilate I came across some interesting different reasons. Some say they do it to see the blood, it’s like a rush, a type of high. Some say they do it to actually feel somethingThey feel numb mostly, and cutting or hurting one self is a way of actually feeling something. I’ve heard people admit they do it for attention, particularly teenagers. They want to show people they are in pain and don’t have the communication skills quite yet to vocalize and describe their emotional and mental issues. And that’s okay. I had girls in high school who would show off their scars and wounds and back then I judged them, secretly (and hypocritically) because I viewed it as something that should be kept a deep dark secret. But now I see that a cry for attention, no matter what shape or form it comes in, deserves some acknowledgment.

Self mutilation is more than just finding a way to release the pain you feel inside. Often it is done by those with low self esteem; people who think they don’t deserve good things. That they don’t deserve to be loved or cherished and they internalize that and the self loathing takes the form of self harm.

I’m not a doctor or anything (yet!) These are just my opinions.

I don’t really have much more to say, other than I want to just hug anybody who self harms; it is something that is so deep rooted and that person deserves love and support, not judgment or anger. And to anyone who does self mutilate, you’re definitely not alone. I can only encourage you to seek therapy and find constructive ways of dealing with whatever emotions drive you to hurt yourself.

The above web site has some great advice. Here are some others:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself ( a kind of guide on how to stop)

‘To write love on her arms’ is a group online (and on face book I think that deals with this whole thing. I think they’re great).

If I’m not mistaken it was based on a song (or the other way around). Here it is – by Hawthorne Heights

She’s upset
Bad Day
Heads to the dresser drawer
to drive the pain away
Nothing good can come of this
she opens it
there’s nothing
there only leftover tears
mom and dad have no right she screams
Anger runs down both of her cheeks
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
All Alone the way she feels’
left alone to deal with
all the pain drench sorrow relief
Bite the Life Just forget the Bleeding
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
Curled up on the floor
relief left,
she had hoped for something more
from it…
hoped for something more from it

and he leans down to comfort her
she is weeping as he wraps his arms
around and around and around her
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
It only gets worse
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
it only gets worse..
Gets worse!
But She’s slowly opening
but she’s slowly opening…
New Eyes
And then she opened her eyes
and found relief in his life
and put down her knives
and then she opened her life
Found relief through his eyes
then put down…
She put down…
Her knife!

Okay so it’s a little depressing – but this whole subject is hard!

To Write Love on Her Arms

** If this image belongs to anyone, let me know so I can give credit.

 

So to anyone out there struggling out there with this. You’re not alone. And I send you a big giant hug. There is help and there is hope.

xxxx

 

 
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Posted by on November 9, 2012 in Depression, Self Mutilation

 

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Sliding…

I can feel it coming – the swirling black, all consuming cloud of depression.

It’s about time I guess. I’ve recently come off from a high and have been simply waiting for the depression to rear its ugly head again. Waking up in the morning has started to become a struggle. I open my eyes and groan. Another day. I look at my baby girl who turned 1 years old yesterday and feel sorry for her. Because she has a mom like me. A pathetic mom like me.

I don’t want to get dressed or do anything. I can’t concentrate long enough to read a book or play piano or even watch a movie. I have no motivation to study – and I’m right in the middle of exams. My confidence is bottoming out, and smiling, has become, well, painful.

I can feel it. The darkness.

And because I can feel it coming, because I know just how bad it’s going to be I know that it’s time to start fighting.

I went to my second ever support group meeting and told my story and listened to others. I’m not alone.

I’ve been keeping a mood diary, trying to eat regularly. I try to go to gym a few times a week. I bought myself some makeup yesterday and went out for lunch. Today I’ve been studying for my Historical Studies exam tomorrow. I’ve been catching up on episodes of my favourite shows. I have been FORCING myself to do these things because they are what usually make me happy. I hug my baby every morning and tell her how much I love her. I write this blog. I keep a journal. I’m trying.

I’m trying and that is what counts.

I refuse to slide into this depression that’s creeping up on me. I point blank refuse. I’m going to try everything I possibly can to escape its evil (yes, evil) claws and make something of my life. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m a survivor (literally) and I can do this. I’m going to try.

 

“No one said it would be easy – but it is going to be worth it.”

hope everyone is well xxxx Take care.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2012 in Depression

 

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Aside

First off, I would just like to say I’m not a brain doctor or psychologist (though I am studying to be one) the following is just my observations and own research that I have done.

This post is going to be about the biological causes of depression. When looked at it scientifically, depression is caused by an imbalance of specific chemicals in the brain. If you have been diagnosed by a doctor, it is likely that this has been explained to you (if not, get a new doctor!) because it is the fundamental reason clinical depression occurs. I’m not going to get too scientific here because I’m not yet licensed to do so but this is from my own research:

According to the book Psychology – the science of Mind and Behaviour clinical depression is described as “an intense state that leaves one unable to function effectively.” You may lose your sex drive, self esteem, and motivation to even get out of bed. Cognitively, you may experience difficulty concentrating, making decisions and experience intense feelings of loneliness, pessimism and self blame. When it comes to your bodily functions, you may gain or lose weight quickly, experience insomnia and become unresponsive to the things that used to make you happy.

Depression can be genetic but it is also caused by an imbalance of chemicals. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter which carries impulses through a synapse (which is sort of like a ‘bridge’ between the neurons). It can be described as a happy hormone (along with dopamine) and when there is too little of this, the body loses its ability to feel pleasure in certain aspects.

I love this : (** I got it off google – if the image belongs to you, tell me so I can give credit)

Image

This is where different medications come in, that alter the chemicals in the brain allowing for the synapses to increase levels of serotonin. I myself am on Zoloft (and limictin and rivirtril and zyprexa – quite the combo!) which works on these chemicals.

An interesting sketch (** refer to above disclaimer)

Image

Although depression does have its physiological components it also can be triggered by childbirth (postpartum depression) and certain life events such as a death, physical illness or even a big move. (Death and moving house are said to be 2 of the most stressful things than can happen to a person.)

It’s not that easy to just look at depression like it some sort of simple disorder when the pain you are in (whether it’s a constant pang in your chest or complete numbness) is so real and so consuming. For me, boiling it down to simple science has helped me understand the illness, although this does not help one overcome it.

It takes more than just medication and therapy to overcome depression. In large part it is a choice. Although we can’t simply ‘decide’ to be happy (it’s a little difficult when it feels your whole life is clouded by a dark shadow), you have the choice to try.

My next post will be about different therapies and ways we are able to overcome our constant sadness by simple day to day activities.

Have a wonderful day everyone

xxxx

Depression – Part 1

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2012 in Brain Chemicals, Depression

 

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