RSS

Category Archives: Uncategorized

Enter Bipolar Memes: Re!

This is too funny. We have to enjoy the humour/randomness involved with bipolar

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

The Reason

I started this blog as a way to to inform people about epilepsy and bi polar. I wanted to talk about my feelings a bit, to share things, I wanted it to be informative…

But somewhere a long the line I got lost under the words. It just turned so, so depressive.

Geez, self loathing? Anger? Depression? Here I am going on and on about forgiveness and moving on but this blog has just turned into a tangling mess of anger and sadness.

But no more. It’s time to get my sense of humour back. It’s time to write about all the things I wanted to write about. To get back to who I was. Who I am.

It’s time to grow up and get over it,

🙂

xxx

 
4 Comments

Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Happy New Year

Okay this is a bit of a late one but I’d like to wish all you wonderful people on here a very happy new year. Hope the year to come is fantastic and prosperous and full of good things for all of you.

I am so thankful for this blog and the lovely people I’ve come to know as we learn about and appreciate each others struggles, successes, happiness and sadness.

Here’s to another year of very therapeutic blogging.

Xxx

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

School Shooting

My heart breaks all the way from South Africa for those affected by the shooting in Connecticut.
There is just too much evil in the world.

I am praying for you America.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

50 ways to say how I got these scars…

I’m a huge Train fan and they have this song called 50 ways to say goodbye and the lyrics go a bit like this

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died

Basically he’s singing about the fact his girlfriend left him and needs a way to tell all his friends she died instead so he can save himself the embarrassment. It’s a really cute song. And exactly how I feel about the scars on my wrists from when I tried to off myself. Haha.

So I’m trying to think of 50 ways to tell people who ask about them an excuse… oh, I fell through some glass, a bear attacked me, I took part in a fencing competition and it got a little heated etc etc…

I made my first real social debut last night after everything that has happened this past month. My friends all marveled at “how great I seem” and “your hair looks lovely!” (I cut it shorter) and “well done for stopping drinking!” But two of them noticed the healing scars that are big and ugly and red and gave me a look and snapped, “Zee, what the fuck happened there?” The scars are right by the tattoo of my daughter’s name. And I could just see the look in their eyes…

You see these friends are the ones I don’t see that often. High school friends and we get together to catch up now and then and party up a storm. They’re sweet and always ask about my daughter and stuff, but they don’t really know my mental health struggles. And that’s okay. So how do I explain, oh yeah, that. Well I tried to kill myself but it all went wrong.

I feel enough shame, and while I know many of them won’t judge me I know the first words out their mouth will be shock and “what about your daughter?!?”

And what on earth do I say to that?

I’m still healing. Still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not strong enough yet to explain my story in such a way that I come off as stronger and happier. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

So maybe I can say a dog bit me? I fought off a knife wielding serial killer? I fell through a window?

Cause the “I’m so weak that I tried to take my own life” answer reduces me to tears. 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Forgiveness

I’ve been a little quiet lately. Not sure why – suppose no inspiration to write anything meaningful. I did catch up on a lot of blogs and it seems many of you are feeling positive and happier and that is fantastic 🙂

I’ve been keeping a mood chart and started to realize I’m heading slightly manic. The other day I got back some of the marks for my exams I just wrote and I didn’t do nearly as well as I planned. I’m a bit of an over achiever and to tell you the truth it devastated me. But not in the curl in a ball and cry type of way, more like I want to jump out of my skin and find the nearest bar and a boy to keep me company and just forget all my troubles. Bad bad. So I phoned a bi-polar help line and it helped a lot. A very sweet lady talked me down a bit. I also phoned AA and a women on the other end quite simply said a drink will just make everything worse and you will regret it. I’m almost 40 days sober. Why would I want to ruin that?

So I gave my keys to my brother and told him not to let me drive anyway, I phoned a great friend and vented a little bit. I did some yoga, then took a zyprexa which is an anti psychotic and ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. It really knocks you out.

I think I handled things okay. I reached out for help instead of running away. I’m proud of myself for that.

But yeah, that’s just a quick up date. What I really wanted to blog about today was forgiveness. Forgiving oneself, forgiving others. I read some where that “not forgiving people who have wronged you is like drinking poison and expecting them to die” – all it does is destroy your own inner happiness.

I’ve blogged about the issues I had with a few friends and I realized today whilst running my ass off on the treadmill that I am so filled with anger and I’ve just pushed it all away on the pretense of “trying to be the better person”. I vented a bit on a previous post but felt bad about it. Which is stupid. I’m angry with them for the things they said, turning my back on me. I know I wronged them, but why did they do what they did?

Then the rational part of me says “they don’t deserve you, they’re fair weather friends.” But that doesn’t stop the hurt. So I’ve decided. I’m gonna write it all out in my journal. And repeat it everyday if I have to.

I’m sorry I hurt you my friends, but you hurt me. And that’s okay. I forgive you.

Maybe that sounds a tad self righteous but I’ve been thinking from where their anger was coming from and realized no body is perfect. Gee and Princess Pea and a few others. I forgive you.

And now for the really hard part. Forgiving myself.

I messed up so badly. While I was manic I did a lot of really stupid stuff. I drank, I spent time with some real low lives. And I was promiscuous  And I neglected my daughter. There. I admitted it. And it’s that which hurts me the most. It’s not who I am, but it’s the way I acted. And I have all this self hate and pity and such. But I need to stop. It’s stopping me from truly getting better.

So me, my soul, my heart and body, I forgive you too. And I will seek forgiveness from God who has unconditional love for me, even when I screw up.

Even if I have to repeat this everyday. I will seek forgiveness in every possible way.

 

Take care everyone xxx

 

I like this picture. I thought about all this when swinging, like a child, at the park the other day :

Image

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Learn the hard way..

“The Hard Way” – Fort Minor

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they’re acting’ so different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t ’cause they’re not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
’cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

 
 
 
That’s pretty much how I feel right now. When it comes to my friends, my family and my general relations with people in life. I look around right now and I see no one, all those people I thought loved me have vanished into thin air. I try grab hold of them, try get them to listen. I try be friendly, funny, cute, thinking they will maybe come back. Maybe love me again. Maybe even just reply to my damned messages.
I’m obviously not getting the hint here.
 
So I guess I messed up pretty bad. I hurt some of them (?) and now they want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. But is it really okay? If they were true friends wouldn’t they see through that, accept my apologies and take my hand and walk this journey with me? And not roll their eyes when I mention I went to AA, or call my blog stupid (granted she is not a friend anymore – good riddance, as painful as it is).
 
I just feel so frikkin damn lonely. Like would anybody give a shit if I disappeared forever?
I’m in my 20’s. Friends are important to me. And I had so many. I was the party girl, the sexy one, the lively friendly ‘let’s go drink a bottle of wine and talk about boys’. I was around for 2 am crying sessions and hour long conversations about why a friend’s boyfriend kept denying her sex.
 
Where are they now? Oh right, I lost my mind, made a few mistakes but am now trying to get better, am no longer the party girl and I guess I’m too boring and stupid for them now.
Hence the idea of learning the hard way, the very very hard way of who is true and who is not.
 
I am depressed today.
 
Tomorrow will be better.
 
And seeing as I’m listening to rap group Fort Minor here is a little song to my so called “friends”. It’s my way of saying a big FUCK YOU. In private of course.
(Sorry for the cussing and such 😦  )
 
“Believe Me”

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I don’t want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I’m just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you’ve got a face to pain
And the devil’s got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don’t really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I’m thinking like the mistake I made doesn’t hurt
But it’s not gonna work
Cause it’s really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You’re on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You’re on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You’re on your own now believe me

It’s not gonna happen with me
You’re on your own now believe me

 

 

 

Or maybe I’m the one whose on their own?

How long til I’m okay with that?

xxxxx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,