Enter Bipolar Memes: Re!

This is too funny. We have to enjoy the humour/randomness involved with bipolar

 

The Reason

I started this blog as a way to to inform people about epilepsy and bi polar. I wanted to talk about my feelings a bit, to share things, I wanted it to be informative…

But somewhere a long the line I got lost under the words. It just turned so, so depressive.

Geez, self loathing? Anger? Depression? Here I am going on and on about forgiveness and moving on but this blog has just turned into a tangling mess of anger and sadness.

But no more. It’s time to get my sense of humour back. It’s time to write about all the things I wanted to write about. To get back to who I was. Who I am.

It’s time to grow up and get over it,

🙂

xxx

 

Happy New Year

Okay this is a bit of a late one but I’d like to wish all you wonderful people on here a very happy new year. Hope the year to come is fantastic and prosperous and full of good things for all of you.

I am so thankful for this blog and the lovely people I’ve come to know as we learn about and appreciate each others struggles, successes, happiness and sadness.

Here’s to another year of very therapeutic blogging.

Xxx

 

School Shooting

My heart breaks all the way from South Africa for those affected by the shooting in Connecticut.
There is just too much evil in the world.

I am praying for you America.

 

50 ways to say how I got these scars…

I’m a huge Train fan and they have this song called 50 ways to say goodbye and the lyrics go a bit like this

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died

Basically he’s singing about the fact his girlfriend left him and needs a way to tell all his friends she died instead so he can save himself the embarrassment. It’s a really cute song. And exactly how I feel about the scars on my wrists from when I tried to off myself. Haha.

So I’m trying to think of 50 ways to tell people who ask about them an excuse… oh, I fell through some glass, a bear attacked me, I took part in a fencing competition and it got a little heated etc etc…

I made my first real social debut last night after everything that has happened this past month. My friends all marveled at “how great I seem” and “your hair looks lovely!” (I cut it shorter) and “well done for stopping drinking!” But two of them noticed the healing scars that are big and ugly and red and gave me a look and snapped, “Zee, what the fuck happened there?” The scars are right by the tattoo of my daughter’s name. And I could just see the look in their eyes…

You see these friends are the ones I don’t see that often. High school friends and we get together to catch up now and then and party up a storm. They’re sweet and always ask about my daughter and stuff, but they don’t really know my mental health struggles. And that’s okay. So how do I explain, oh yeah, that. Well I tried to kill myself but it all went wrong.

I feel enough shame, and while I know many of them won’t judge me I know the first words out their mouth will be shock and “what about your daughter?!?”

And what on earth do I say to that?

I’m still healing. Still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not strong enough yet to explain my story in such a way that I come off as stronger and happier. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

So maybe I can say a dog bit me? I fought off a knife wielding serial killer? I fell through a window?

Cause the “I’m so weak that I tried to take my own life” answer reduces me to tears. 

 

Forgiveness

I’ve been a little quiet lately. Not sure why – suppose no inspiration to write anything meaningful. I did catch up on a lot of blogs and it seems many of you are feeling positive and happier and that is fantastic 🙂

I’ve been keeping a mood chart and started to realize I’m heading slightly manic. The other day I got back some of the marks for my exams I just wrote and I didn’t do nearly as well as I planned. I’m a bit of an over achiever and to tell you the truth it devastated me. But not in the curl in a ball and cry type of way, more like I want to jump out of my skin and find the nearest bar and a boy to keep me company and just forget all my troubles. Bad bad. So I phoned a bi-polar help line and it helped a lot. A very sweet lady talked me down a bit. I also phoned AA and a women on the other end quite simply said a drink will just make everything worse and you will regret it. I’m almost 40 days sober. Why would I want to ruin that?

So I gave my keys to my brother and told him not to let me drive anyway, I phoned a great friend and vented a little bit. I did some yoga, then took a zyprexa which is an anti psychotic and ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. It really knocks you out.

I think I handled things okay. I reached out for help instead of running away. I’m proud of myself for that.

But yeah, that’s just a quick up date. What I really wanted to blog about today was forgiveness. Forgiving oneself, forgiving others. I read some where that “not forgiving people who have wronged you is like drinking poison and expecting them to die” – all it does is destroy your own inner happiness.

I’ve blogged about the issues I had with a few friends and I realized today whilst running my ass off on the treadmill that I am so filled with anger and I’ve just pushed it all away on the pretense of “trying to be the better person”. I vented a bit on a previous post but felt bad about it. Which is stupid. I’m angry with them for the things they said, turning my back on me. I know I wronged them, but why did they do what they did?

Then the rational part of me says “they don’t deserve you, they’re fair weather friends.” But that doesn’t stop the hurt. So I’ve decided. I’m gonna write it all out in my journal. And repeat it everyday if I have to.

I’m sorry I hurt you my friends, but you hurt me. And that’s okay. I forgive you.

Maybe that sounds a tad self righteous but I’ve been thinking from where their anger was coming from and realized no body is perfect. Gee and Princess Pea and a few others. I forgive you.

And now for the really hard part. Forgiving myself.

I messed up so badly. While I was manic I did a lot of really stupid stuff. I drank, I spent time with some real low lives. And I was promiscuous  And I neglected my daughter. There. I admitted it. And it’s that which hurts me the most. It’s not who I am, but it’s the way I acted. And I have all this self hate and pity and such. But I need to stop. It’s stopping me from truly getting better.

So me, my soul, my heart and body, I forgive you too. And I will seek forgiveness from God who has unconditional love for me, even when I screw up.

Even if I have to repeat this everyday. I will seek forgiveness in every possible way.

 

Take care everyone xxx

 

I like this picture. I thought about all this when swinging, like a child, at the park the other day :

 

Learn the hard way..

“The Hard Way” – Fort Minor

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they’re acting’ so different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t ’cause they’re not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
’cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

 

 

 

That’s pretty much how I feel right now. When it comes to my friends, my family and my general relations with people in life. I look around right now and I see no one, all those people I thought loved me have vanished into thin air. I try grab hold of them, try get them to listen. I try be friendly, funny, cute, thinking they will maybe come back. Maybe love me again. Maybe even just reply to my damned messages.

I’m obviously not getting the hint here.

 

So I guess I messed up pretty bad. I hurt some of them (?) and now they want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. But is it really okay? If they were true friends wouldn’t they see through that, accept my apologies and take my hand and walk this journey with me? And not roll their eyes when I mention I went to AA, or call my blog stupid (granted she is not a friend anymore – good riddance, as painful as it is).

 

I just feel so frikkin damn lonely. Like would anybody give a shit if I disappeared forever?

I’m in my 20’s. Friends are important to me. And I had so many. I was the party girl, the sexy one, the lively friendly ‘let’s go drink a bottle of wine and talk about boys’. I was around for 2 am crying sessions and hour long conversations about why a friend’s boyfriend kept denying her sex.

 

Where are they now? Oh right, I lost my mind, made a few mistakes but am now trying to get better, am no longer the party girl and I guess I’m too boring and stupid for them now.

Hence the idea of learning the hard way, the very very hard way of who is true and who is not.

 

I am depressed today.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

 

And seeing as I’m listening to rap group Fort Minor here is a little song to my so called “friends”. It’s my way of saying a big FUCK YOU. In private of course.

(Sorry for the cussing and such 😦  )

 

“Believe Me”

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I don’t want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I’m just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you’ve got a face to pain
And the devil’s got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don’t really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I’m thinking like the mistake I made doesn’t hurt
But it’s not gonna work
Cause it’s really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You’re on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You’re on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You’re on your own now believe me

It’s not gonna happen with me
You’re on your own now believe me

 

 

 

Or maybe I’m the one whose on their own?

How long til I’m okay with that?

xxxxx

 

Trying…

Trying. I am so over telling myself to ‘try.”

Try get out of bed. Try go see a friend. Try study harder. Try drive your car. Try be friendly when feeling low. Try be normal when feeling high. Try try try.

Well, I would like to say a big fuck you to the word TRY. (Sorry for swearing.)

They say that’s all we can do, is just try. Hell, I say that all the time. But I am so over trying to feel better and failing miserably. I’m over trying to study for my last exam and not being able to concentrate on a single sentence because my brain is pure mush with all the medication I’m on. I’m sick of trying to get to sleep. Insomnia blows. I’m sick of sleeping 10 hours, right though my one year old climbing off the bed because mommy wont wake up to play with her so she decides to cause havoc around the house. I’m tired of trying to establish good relationships with people I know are eventually going to turn their backs on me. I’m tired of trying to be normal, trying to be sane or trying to appear like I’m normal and sane.

I’ve been told to ‘try get over it,’ and to ‘try be normal.’

And that if i try hard enough I can accomplish anything.

Well I’m trying. And I’m failing.

As I glance at the minus 3 on my mood chart, as I see the huge textbook in front of me, as I feel the darkness creeping up one me, as I have no desire to go to gym, on a date with a boy who actually likes me, or even just at brushing my hair in the morning.

I can’t do anything right now. I’m pathetic and hopeless and having a shit day.

There. A negative post – I hate those. But at least I got it all out.

This day is hopefully, the lowest one I will have this week, because by damn I am going to try harder tomorrow.

 

Some Musical Inspiration

I’ve always loved music. Listen to it everyday, play (attempt!) guitar and keyboard and I just love writing songs.
So here is some musical inspiration, some song lyrics I just love 🙂

“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand…for the times they are a changing.” – Bob Dylan

“I’m still standing, better then I ever did, looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I’m still standing after all this time, picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind, I’m still standing.” – Elton John

“Some day, I’ll be, living in a big ol city, and all you’re, ever gonna be is mean. Someday, I’ll be, big enough so you can’t hit me, and all you’re, ever gonna be is mean.” – Taylor Swift

“You aint see nothing yet.” – Bachman Turner Overdrive

“I, I’ll get by. I, I’ll survive. When the worlds crashing down when I fall and hit the ground I will turn myself around, don’t you try to stop me, I, I won’t cry.” – Avril Lavigne

“Don’t tell me to behave, cause I’ll never play the game, don’t tell me what to do, cause I’ll never be uptight like you. Don’t talk at me that way, cause I aint never gonna change, and if you’re talking about my life, you’re only wasting your own time. If I wanna wear lingerie outside of my clothes, if I wanna be erotic in my own videos, if I wanna be provocative well that aint a sin, maybe you’re not comfortable in your own skin.” – Christina Aguilera

“Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior, when the thunder calls for me. Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior, standing, on my own two feet.” – Adele

“Jesus take the wheel.” – Carrie Underwood

“I’m beautiful in my way cause God makes no mistakes, I’m on the right track baby I was born this way.” – Lady Gaga

“Hey now, hey now, don’t dream its over.” – Crowded House

“Hey, its gonna be ok. Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day.” – Sick Puppies

“Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen
May your love never end
And if you need a friend
There’s a seat here alongside me” – Linkin Park

“There will come a time you’ll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.” – Mumford and Sons

So those are just a few of the songs that inspire me. And here is my most favourite one, a song by Train called Drops Of Jupiter. It always calms me:

“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way.”

 

Why Are You Sad – You Have Everything, You Have No Reason To Be Depressed.

That’s what a “friend” said to me. She said I had no reason to feel depressed or attempt suicide. She wrote a very scathing letter, putting attempt in ” commas ” and said I should be disgusted with myself, and that I have everything going for me – why should I be depressed?

To say it was hurtful is an understatement. But since then I have looked at it from her position – she has her own issues and problems and was speaking from a place of hurt and anger with her own life. She has also always been jealous of me in some way (I know that sounds egotistic) but I get where she’s coming from. I have since parted ways from her though.

But that’s the point I’m getting at. Why do I feel so depressed?

I have a beautiful daughter and family. I’m a second year psychology student, I get good marks. I have a roof over my head, food and am well taken care of. My parents and family are supportive and I have a wonderful psychiatrist who has helped me through the years.

Does all this mean I should just be happy? That I have no reason to complain, to feel sad? Does it mean I’m an ungrateful whining selfish bitch?

No. I am in pain.

I feel it everyday.

People who say “oh snap out of it you have no reason to be depressed” are the worst people to be around. They don’t understand the all consuming feelings of hopelessness. And when we boil it down to biology, that it is all just a chemical imbalance in the brain – they don’t even understand that either. I have let people’s judgments get to me for far too long. Just because I have what one would perceive to be a good life doesn’t mean I have no justification for feeling what I am feeling.

What I feel is real and there everyday and I struggle with it. I’m the one that has to take countless medicines just to get out of bed in the morning and I’m the one who contemplates life and death almost daily. Does that make me weak and pathetic?

No. It makes me a survivor. It makes me a person trying to beat depression and control bi polar.

It makes me stronger everyday and more able to deal with the stigmas attached to who I am.

Just like someone may have a broken leg or heart problems, I have bi polar depression. It is a disease. It’s not some made up feeling that I use to manipulate people with. No.

So I am sad. I deal with it and try make the best of my life.

You go on and keep your ridiculous judgments to yourself.

 

Found this great story written on this very point – http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/serious.htm

 

Take care of yourselves, and really, F^%& what uneducated and judgmental people say.