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Back to Blogging

Hi everyone!
I’m back. Took long enough.  Guess I just needed a break. I kept up with all ya’ll blogs now and it’s great to see so many sticking it out and trying their best at being healthy.

That’s what I’ve been doing but not always with success.
My epilepsy is well under control. I am happy about that 🙂

My bipolar is not entirely unstable but not great either. For some stupid reason I went off my zyprexa and experienced my first hypomanic state which is pretty interesting. I could do so much and function so well but then I became so irritable…and angry. I lashed out at everyone and stopped being able to concentrate which is terrible when you’re in you final semester of your final year of your BA degree!

I swung abit towards depression then too…and spent days in bed. Which is extremely unlike me

I knew something was up but didn’t really realize it until things got really bad with my boyfriend. So a few days ago I saw my doc and he has now put me on 5mg of Abilify which has so far made me restless/lethargic/hyperactive.
Weird hey?

So if any of ya’ll have some experience with Abilify please let me know your stories. Cause I’m finding this med incredibly strange right now.

Other than this short blog I dont have much to say. Again.

But my ramblings will come soon.

Take care everyone xxx

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Posted by on August 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Epilepsy, Medication

 

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First Date

I went on a date with a very nice boy last night. It was completely and entirely amazing. I’ll be seeing him again.

Please me, don’t fuck this up!

I’m feeling more me and me everyday. I want to be normal and date a normal boy and just be happy. so yeah,

fuck you bi-polar. Watch me kick your ass.

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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I cant sleep

It’s 2AM here in Johannesburg. And I cant sleep.

A lot on the mind I suppose. A boy, my new job, my studies (will be entering third year next year), am I raising my daughter right, is my mood alright, am I alright? And, I have a headache too.

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I didn’t feel the need. I suppose I do now. So, update. I had a visit with my doc a few days back, it went a little something like this:

“You’re a little manic, aren’t you?”

I thought of my driving speed, starting drinking again, the people I had started speaking to again, the very revealing shirt I was wearing…and then I said “Well, maybe. I guess.”

So he put me on Geodon which is supposed to bring me down a bit. Which is right. Noticing how out of whack my mood chart has become and how little of it I was actually fitting in made me realize I have been manic. I just thought I was so so so busy, but it was just my mind that was so so so busy. I sat and played the new Hitman, a PC game, for 18 hours. 18 hours. I don’t even play games that much. How crazy is that? Okay not all at once, but over a period of about 3 days. Shocking.

Which brings me to the slightly obsessive part of my personality I’ve been ignoring. I tend to get a little, carried away, when something new and exciting enters my life. Whether its a guy or a game or a new job or an assignment, I dive at it in full force. And if procrastination takes over and I put it on the back burner I bring it right up again and become even more obsessive til the job is done or I’ve driven myself mad trying to be the smartest or prettiest or best at a job. It’s ridiculous. What person in their right mind puts this much pressure on themselves? But oh yeah, I’m not in my right mind.

But I will be soon. I already feel the Geodon starting to chill me out a little bit. I’m feeling more…comfortable.

I’m also on holiday now, no varsity and my new job officially starts on the 5th of Jan – I’ll be working at a doctor’s practice which is really cool and I’m just fitting in so well or so I think. So I’m pretty much completely stress free – no deadlines to meet or places I have to be. Just gonna be me and my baby girl for a few weeks over this festive season (and my other family of course) just being. We don’t have much to worry about – which is good. Yet I will still find something to obsess over. Like right now. 2AM and I’m wondering why I’m so obsessive and why my relationships and friendships don’t seem to make it past the 2 year mark. And the friends I have had for longer than that have faded slightly but at least they’re still there I guess. I mean the real relationships, the up close and personal ones always end at about the 2-3 year mark. It’s like a habit with me. Especially with girlfriends or some guy friends, the relationship has some kind of epic meltdown at the time due to my own repressed issues that explode out or their inability to deal with me any longer. Surely this is something I should talk about in therapy instead of spew on this page right?

But sometimes, I think this blog is the best therapy I can get.

So anyway, I’m off to check on how all of ya’ll have been doing. Expect a flurry of comments 🙂

Take care xxx

 

 
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Posted by on December 14, 2012 in Random, Relationships

 

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50 ways to say how I got these scars…

I’m a huge Train fan and they have this song called 50 ways to say goodbye and the lyrics go a bit like this

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died

Basically he’s singing about the fact his girlfriend left him and needs a way to tell all his friends she died instead so he can save himself the embarrassment. It’s a really cute song. And exactly how I feel about the scars on my wrists from when I tried to off myself. Haha.

So I’m trying to think of 50 ways to tell people who ask about them an excuse… oh, I fell through some glass, a bear attacked me, I took part in a fencing competition and it got a little heated etc etc…

I made my first real social debut last night after everything that has happened this past month. My friends all marveled at “how great I seem” and “your hair looks lovely!” (I cut it shorter) and “well done for stopping drinking!” But two of them noticed the healing scars that are big and ugly and red and gave me a look and snapped, “Zee, what the fuck happened there?” The scars are right by the tattoo of my daughter’s name. And I could just see the look in their eyes…

You see these friends are the ones I don’t see that often. High school friends and we get together to catch up now and then and party up a storm. They’re sweet and always ask about my daughter and stuff, but they don’t really know my mental health struggles. And that’s okay. So how do I explain, oh yeah, that. Well I tried to kill myself but it all went wrong.

I feel enough shame, and while I know many of them won’t judge me I know the first words out their mouth will be shock and “what about your daughter?!?”

And what on earth do I say to that?

I’m still healing. Still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not strong enough yet to explain my story in such a way that I come off as stronger and happier. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

So maybe I can say a dog bit me? I fought off a knife wielding serial killer? I fell through a window?

Cause the “I’m so weak that I tried to take my own life” answer reduces me to tears. 

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Bi Polar part 2 – what goes up, must come down

Now we move onto what I like to call ‘the darkness’ (dun dun dun!) or opposite end of a manic phase, the part of bi polar where you slip into a deep, dark place with very little light and no way out. Although I write this post with much caution, as I cannot speak for all the people who are experience the depressive states of bi polar I can give a little account of what it is like to be in one, speaking for myself at least.

The mania can only last so long, until eventually your body and mind just give out. The lack of sleep or lack of eating you have been doing suddenly catch up to you and you feel yourself exhausted and that shining golden goddess you saw in the mirror a few days back is now suddenly pale, drawn out and ghost-like.

What happened? It’s a whirlwind of emotions as it finally dawns on you that you have been experiencing a high and have possibly, done some really REALLY stupid stuff. Trying to ignore the overwhelming guilt or feelings of disgust at yourself is just as hard as trying to ignore the darkness that has begun creeping up your spine, very slowly digging its claws into your back and whispering things in your ear.

“You’re worthless.”

“They hate you.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

“What is the point of this all anyway?”

Now I know that sounds a tad crazy, but bear with me here. The depressive side of bi polar is just like that, it creeps up on you and once it has its nails sunk into your already fragile flesh it tumbles it’s pain and hurt down on you like a ton of bricks. And there is just no stopping it.

For anyone who has experienced depression (lived with it or as a bystander) they know just how destructive it can be. Curtains remain closed, the person sees no value in bathing and getting dressed in the morning, they may not eat or just eat too much. They don’t want to talk, they don’t want to listen. No sex, no hugs for loved ones, no happy movies or songs. Anything that was once pleasurable now has no value and the common answer to each question has become “I’m fine.” “No.” or “I don’t feel like it.”

And that’s just it. You don’t feel like it. You don’t feel like anything. The darkness has taken control and you just do not see the point in anything really.

Why bother getting dressed today? It’s not like you have anywhere to be and you look so awful no one would want to see you anyway. Everything that used to be worthwhile now means nothing.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For a bi polar person living with the ups and downs is something that has to be constantly monitored and constantly medicated. Once you realize you’ve been on a high and are crashing (or someone has pointed it out to you) you have to adjust your medication because it’s obviously not working quite right and then you have to see your doctor, work out what is going on bla bla bla…

It sounds awful and stupid doesn’t it? And to a depressed person, it is. I cannot begin to really describe the darkness but I know what it’s like, and I know that once you figure out you are in it, the only way to help yourself is to try climb out. Although it is near impossible to do at once, and you may need the help of loved ones, it is the mere act of trying to climb out of the depression that matters. Trying to eat right. Trying to keep track of your moods. Trying to talk about the things you are feeling. It all adds up in the end.

The simple fact of trying eventually becomes doing and once you are strong enough you can stand back and take a look at it, say ‘I am depressed’, and seek help and comfort in those that matter. And although now I can rant and rave about finding people that matter (because I have had my fair share of experiences with fake friends  who are really not there when you need them) I will rather advise that one turns to family, because they in most cases are with you most of the time and are able to explain to you or your doctor what has been going on as often you do not know how you appear to others in your depressive states. Although not every person may have a good family life, turn to someone whom you know you can trust. Who will not just be your rock but also a guiding force onto the right path. Whether it is whichever God you serve or any friend you trust, find solace in something that you know you can find solace in. (AND THAT IS NOT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL) And although this is unfortunately, a difficult process in itself (as you will come across back stabbers and false promise friends many times) it is still a process worth taking, so you can find out who your safe people are.

Who the people are that matter, that truly matter, that can help you fight off the darkness.

There is no easy answer to depression and everyone experiences it differently, but all I can say for now is try. Try to Try. Even if it is one thing at a time, like having a shower and getting dressed for the day. That is one step you have taken on the path to getting better.

And at this time in your life, in a depressive state, baby steps and trying to try is the best way forward.

And here, a song by Van Morrison, summing up the depression thing pretty well 🙂

I highlighted some lyrics I thought were really great.

Keep well everyone xxx

Underlying Depression

Underlying depression, have to crawl into my room
Underlying depression don’t want to know about the moon in June
Outside there’s a cavalcade of clowns but they`re bringing me down
With underlying depression

Underlying depression and it’s starting in my backyard
Underlying depression, and these times ain’t even so hard
Lord I was born with the blues and my blue suede shoes
And underlying depression

Underlying depression and there’s just nowhere to turn
Underlying depression and things just seem to turn in on one
Sometimes I’m stuck in the corner just like little jack horner
With underlying depression

Underlying depression and I just can’t get it right
Underlying depression I’ve got to fight it with all of my might
Right now I don’t want to be alone
Get my baby on the telephone
Underlying depression

Have to make some concessions when everything is working right
Have to count my blessings, helps me make it through the night
I’ve got love in my life as well as trouble and strife
And underlying depression

Underlying depression, underlying depression, underlying depression
Ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression, ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression

 
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Posted by on October 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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