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Motivation and Medication

Motivation…I have none of.

Medication…plenty.

Being on Abilify has so far not done very much for me. Granted it’s only been a few days but still, I want to see results dammit! I still feel kind of depressed and sluggish and swing between despair to excitement within minutes of each other. Really weird. I was hoping by now I would be all better and ready to tackle the world-

however

I have none of that stuff that makes you want to do stuff. You know? I have just written a therapeutic psychology test which I definitely didn’t study hard enough for BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I guess another part is that I don’t feel motivated right now to just want to do it. Like I said in my previous post, this is bad because my degree is just so close. A few months away. All I have to do is work super hard and I can graduate with some really good marks and be well on my way into an honour’s programme. But how can I do this all when all I really want to do is sleep, talk to my on/off boyfriend and drink coffee. I look at my textbooks and just feel…blah…instead of the excitement and hopefulness I used to feel. So maybe it’s a bit of burnout? I have been at this full time non stop studying thing for 3 years now. So surely being a bit tired and unmotivated-ish is unavoidable really?

But then why is everyone else around me doing so well and I’m stuck on a swing.

Back and forth between happy and sad.

Excited and hopeless.

Back and forth between nothing and everything.

 

So how long til that Abilify kicks in?

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Posted by on August 15, 2013 in Bipolar, Medication

 

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Some Musical Inspiration

I’ve always loved music. Listen to it everyday, play (attempt!) guitar and keyboard and I just love writing songs.
So here is some musical inspiration, some song lyrics I just love ūüôā

“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand…for the times they are a changing.” – Bob Dylan

“I’m still standing, better then I ever did, looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I’m still standing after all this time, picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind, I’m still standing.” – Elton John

“Some day, I’ll be, living in a big ol city, and all you’re, ever gonna be is mean. Someday, I’ll be, big enough so you can’t hit me, and all you’re, ever gonna be is mean.” – Taylor Swift

“You aint see nothing yet.” – Bachman Turner Overdrive

“I, I’ll get by. I, I’ll survive. When the worlds crashing down when I fall and hit the ground I will turn myself around, don’t you try to stop me, I, I won’t cry.” – Avril Lavigne

“Don’t tell me to behave, cause I’ll never play the game, don’t tell me what to do, cause I’ll never be uptight like you. Don’t talk at me that way, cause I aint never gonna change, and if you’re talking about my life, you’re only wasting your own time. If I wanna wear lingerie outside of my clothes, if I wanna be erotic in my own videos, if I wanna be provocative well that aint a sin, maybe you’re not comfortable in your own skin.” – Christina Aguilera

“Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior, when the thunder calls for me. Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior, standing, on my own two feet.” – Adele

“Jesus take the wheel.” – Carrie Underwood

“I’m beautiful in my way cause God makes no mistakes, I’m on the right track baby I was born this way.” – Lady Gaga

“Hey now, hey now, don’t dream its over.” – Crowded House

“Hey, its gonna be ok. Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day.” – Sick Puppies

“Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen
May your love never end
And if you need a friend
There’s a seat here alongside me” – Linkin Park

“There will come a time you’ll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.” – Mumford and Sons

So those are just a few of the songs that inspire me. And here is my most favourite one, a song by Train called Drops Of Jupiter. It always calms me:

“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way.”

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Self Mutilation

Touchy subject I know. But something I have become more aware of since I started this blog. Obviously I was exposed to it as a teenager, from friends and through media and such. I’m not quite ready to tell my story yet. But I thought I’d delve into the topic in a more objective way.

According to the website¬†http://www.twloha.com/facts/¬†and my 2 year experience studying psychology self mutilation is most prevalent¬†among¬†women and girls and especially during the teenage years. (Though I believe males are just as likely to self harm – it’s just not as reported).

It can take the form of cutting, burning (with cigarettes or a lighter – I remember a type of fad in high school where kids would heat up a lighter and press it to their skin, leaving a kind of ‘smiley’ imprint. Yes, that’s a form of mutilation). It can be eating disorders, hair pulling, punching ones self, picking at wounds or bare skin and of course using drugs or alcohol excessively (although that’s more self destructive behavior).

Basically, self mutilation involves hurting yourself to the extent it leaves marks and causes physical pain to the body.

Now the psychological reasons for it vary. The most common reason is that it is a way for a person to find a release, to let out feelings of pain that they are otherwise unable to express, by hurting themselves physically. It is a kind of relief I suppose and lets them relieve themselves of their pain, if only for a moment. That is the most accepted reasoning by psychologists.

However I have a slightly different take on it. Speaking to people who self mutilate I came across some interesting different reasons. Some say they do it to see the blood, it’s like a rush, a type of high. Some say they do it to actually feel¬†something.¬†They feel numb mostly, and cutting or hurting one self is a way of actually feeling something. I’ve heard people admit they do it for attention, particularly teenagers. They want to show people they are in pain and don’t have the communication skills quite yet to vocalize and describe their emotional and mental issues. And that’s okay. I had girls in high school who would show off their scars and wounds and back then I judged them, secretly (and hypocritically) because I viewed it as something that should be kept a deep dark secret. But now I see that a cry for attention, no matter what shape or form it comes in, deserves some acknowledgment.

Self mutilation is more than just finding a way to release the pain you feel inside. Often it is done by those with low self esteem; people who think they don’t deserve good things. That they don’t deserve to be loved or cherished and they internalize that and the self loathing takes the form of self harm.

I’m not a doctor or anything (yet!) These are just¬†my opinions.

I don’t really have much more to say, other than I want to just hug anybody who self harms; it is something that is so deep rooted and that person deserves love and support, not judgment or anger. And to anyone who does self mutilate, you’re definitely not alone. I can only encourage you to seek therapy and find constructive ways of dealing with whatever emotions drive you to hurt yourself.

The above web site has some great advice. Here are some others:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself ( a kind of guide on how to stop)

‘To write love on her arms’ is a group online (and on face book I think that deals with this whole thing. I think they’re great).

If I’m not mistaken it was based on a song (or the other way around). Here it is – by¬†Hawthorne Heights

She’s upset
Bad Day
Heads to the dresser drawer
to drive the pain away
Nothing good can come of this
she opens it
there’s nothing
there only leftover tears
mom and dad have no right she screams
Anger runs down both of her cheeks
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
All Alone the way she feels’
left alone to deal with
all the pain drench sorrow relief
Bite the Life Just forget the Bleeding
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
Curled up on the floor
relief left,
she had hoped for something more
from it…
hoped for something more from it

and he leans down to comfort her
she is weeping as he wraps his arms
around and around and around her
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
It only gets worse
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
it only gets worse..
Gets worse!
But She’s slowly opening
but she’s slowly opening…
New Eyes
And then she opened her eyes
and found relief in his life
and put down her knives
and then she opened her life
Found relief through his eyes
then put down…
She put down…
Her knife!

Okay so it’s a little depressing – but this whole subject is hard!

To Write Love on Her Arms

** If this image belongs to anyone, let me know so I can give credit.

 

So to anyone out there struggling out there with this. You’re not alone. And I send you a big giant hug. There is help and there is hope.

xxxx

 

 
16 Comments

Posted by on November 9, 2012 in Depression, Self Mutilation

 

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