Quick Update!

Hey guys!
Sorry I’ve been so quiet. Just haven’t had much to say. I’ve been checking up on all of you though 🙂

I go back to varsity on Monday. And I’m really excited. I’ve been on holiday for almost 3 months and it’s just too much now. I find when I’m not keeping my mind busy it wonders too far. I get depressed, I get a bit manic. I drink and smoke or I punish myself at gym. I go out with some friends or I lock myself in my room with my lap top. So many ups and downs.

So it’s definitely time for me to get out there again, do something excited. It’s the final year of my BA. I have so much to look forward to.

I’ve been a bit hyper for a bit, haven’t been eating or sleeping well. And I only realized last night. I asked my doctor to lower my meds a bit, cause I was feeling so great. But I now I don’t think it’s so wise. I’m just watching myself very carefully.

Everything will be okay.

There’s been a few changes. I’ve lost a good friend due to my less than classy behaviour. But it’s ok, I feel strangely fine with it. I’m slowly weeding out all the poisonous people in my life.
Anybody who brings me down or makes me feel bad about myself… I say a very quick goodbye.

I’m still on this path of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and those who’ve hurt me. And anyone who wants to intentionally make me feel horrible…well they can just fuck right off 🙂

Well anyway, just a quick update.
Hope everyone is taking care of themselves.

Big hugs
Xxx

 

Learn the hard way..

“The Hard Way” – Fort Minor

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they’re acting’ so different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t ’cause they’re not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
’cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

 

 

 

That’s pretty much how I feel right now. When it comes to my friends, my family and my general relations with people in life. I look around right now and I see no one, all those people I thought loved me have vanished into thin air. I try grab hold of them, try get them to listen. I try be friendly, funny, cute, thinking they will maybe come back. Maybe love me again. Maybe even just reply to my damned messages.

I’m obviously not getting the hint here.

 

So I guess I messed up pretty bad. I hurt some of them (?) and now they want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. But is it really okay? If they were true friends wouldn’t they see through that, accept my apologies and take my hand and walk this journey with me? And not roll their eyes when I mention I went to AA, or call my blog stupid (granted she is not a friend anymore – good riddance, as painful as it is).

 

I just feel so frikkin damn lonely. Like would anybody give a shit if I disappeared forever?

I’m in my 20’s. Friends are important to me. And I had so many. I was the party girl, the sexy one, the lively friendly ‘let’s go drink a bottle of wine and talk about boys’. I was around for 2 am crying sessions and hour long conversations about why a friend’s boyfriend kept denying her sex.

 

Where are they now? Oh right, I lost my mind, made a few mistakes but am now trying to get better, am no longer the party girl and I guess I’m too boring and stupid for them now.

Hence the idea of learning the hard way, the very very hard way of who is true and who is not.

 

I am depressed today.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

 

And seeing as I’m listening to rap group Fort Minor here is a little song to my so called “friends”. It’s my way of saying a big FUCK YOU. In private of course.

(Sorry for the cussing and such 😦  )

 

“Believe Me”

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I don’t want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I’m just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you’ve got a face to pain
And the devil’s got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don’t really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I’m thinking like the mistake I made doesn’t hurt
But it’s not gonna work
Cause it’s really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You’re on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You’re on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You’re on your own now believe me

It’s not gonna happen with me
You’re on your own now believe me

 

 

 

Or maybe I’m the one whose on their own?

How long til I’m okay with that?

xxxxx

 

Dear “Friend”

To my dearest “friend”:

I wish you knew how badly it hurt hearing of you betraying our 7 years of friendship. Of sharing all my secrets, fears and deepest regrets as a way to cause me harm.

I wish you knew how badly it hurt when you kicked me when I was down; when I was at the lowest point in my life. I wish you knew how terrible it felt when you tore me apart days after I had attempted to piece back my life, little by little.

I wish you knew how hurtful your words are, how cruel your judgment is and how mean, mean, mean you are. I wish you knew how I sobbed my heart out for days. I wish you could have seen me, could have known the pain your rejection and betrayal caused.

I wish you knew the extent of the damage you have done.

More than anything, I wish that I didn’t know, that in fact, you do know the hurt you have caused, and that you relish in causing me suffering. That is the one thing, out of everything, I wish I could get out of my head.