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Monthly Archives: January 2013

Quick Update!

Hey guys!
Sorry I’ve been so quiet. Just haven’t had much to say. I’ve been checking up on all of you though ūüôā

I go back to varsity on Monday. And I’m really excited. I’ve been on holiday for almost 3 months and it’s just too much now. I find when I’m not keeping my mind busy it wonders too far. I get depressed, I get a bit manic. I drink and smoke or I punish myself at gym. I go out with some friends or I lock myself in my room with my lap top. So many ups and downs.

So it’s definitely time for me to get out there again, do something excited. It’s the final year of my BA. I have so much to look forward to.

I’ve been a bit hyper for a bit, haven’t been eating or sleeping well. And I only realized last night. I asked my doctor to lower my meds a bit, cause I was feeling so great. But I now I don’t think it’s so wise. I’m just watching myself very carefully.

Everything will be okay.

There’s been a few changes. I’ve lost a good friend due to my less than classy behaviour. But it’s ok, I feel strangely fine with it. I’m slowly weeding out all the poisonous people in my life.
Anybody who brings me down or makes me feel bad about myself… I say a very quick goodbye.

I’m still on this path of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and those who’ve hurt me. And anyone who wants to intentionally make me feel horrible…well they can just fuck right off ūüôā

Well anyway, just a quick update.
Hope everyone is taking care of themselves.

Big hugs
Xxx

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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Random

 

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Broken Wings

This is kind of where I am right now

Broken Wings by Alter Bridge – great song.

Fight the fight alone

When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who’s to say
We won’t end up alone

On broken wings I’m falling
And it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I’m bleeding
And it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who’s to say
We won’t survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I’ll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all I’ll be

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2013 in Music, Random

 

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Dear Princess

To one of the most dearest friends I have had the pleasure (and pain) of knowing.

I’m not sure where exactly everything went south. It wasn’t my attempted suicide, or my manic phases, or your perception that I was flirting with your boyfriend. It wasn’t me becoming a mom so young or trying to change my life overnight. It was somewhere before that, a deep dark place, where the ultimate connection we had was severed. Broken. Something lost. The true love in your eyes disappeared. There was no spark, no more intimate conversations. Yet I tried like hell, tried so hard to get it back. To make you love me. But I don’t think it was enough. Whatever had snapped was broken for good. And we were just living in the fantasy we could continue our friendship as normal.

It’s been months now, since you left me. You caused me the biggest hurt, I never thought I could feel as bad as you made me feel that day. I was in awe of your apathy, your cruelness, your bitterness and anger. I knew these were traits of yours, I just never thought I’d be on the receiving end. Not when I was already so broken down. It felt like you were hammering the nails into my depressive coffin. It broke me.

And yet here I am, another night thinking about you and what went wrong, wishing I could just see you again. To talk to you, yell at you, hit you, hurt you, hug you, love you. Anything. Anything but the cold emptiness you left me with. I don’t think you ever knew how much I truly loved you, and that was my fault. And I will forever regret that, because your loyalty to me, before the shit hit the fan, was outstanding. I should have appreciated you more.

Getting drunk after school like naughty kids. Talking about boys. Whispering in the dark about our dreams until 3am. Holding you as you cried after your brother’s cancer diagnosis. Listening to you. I always listened. I never responded in the way you needed. But I always listened. And these memories cling to me, consume me in the most arbitrary of moments. When I’m on the treadmill at gym, changing my daughter’s nappy, and worst, trying to fall asleep at night. Seeing your face, realizing those memories. Wondering how I could hate and love and miss someone as much as I do you.

But life goes on. You go on. And I’m glad. You have a wonderful man who adores you. And a family that has taken you in as one of their own. You’re hurt and bitter and twisted and angry but you have so much love thrust upon you that I’m hoping it will change. That you will brighten into that girl I first met when we were 14.

I know I will most likely never talk to you again. And it hurts. You haunt me. I don’t know how long this will take. To move on. To get over you. Because I know just how much I fucked up. And I can’t take it back.

But then, I know how much you fucked up. How badly it hurt when you drove that knife right into my chest. When you abandoned me. Yet I try my best to understand your anger and the depths from where it comes.

And I’ve hit the realization that as much as I screwed up, as much as I hurt you, I did not deserve what you did to me. As I slowly begin to forgive myself for the crazy things I did I realize more and more how angry I am at you. And how much I need to forgive you. And that is why you continue to haunt me. Because I know I need to forgive you. So I can finally move on. And be free. And not have thoughts of you keep me up at night.

This letter is bitter and I’m glad you will never read it. That you hate my blog. Because it just fuels my desire to use this place as the means to let out all my feelings and not be judged by the wonderful people I’ve met on here.

I am sorry Princess. But I am even more sorry for you. Cause you lost something good when you threw me away.

But I will still, always, always love you.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2013 in Depression, mania, Relationships

 

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Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset – Young People with Mental Illness

A friend of mine at Varsity referred this song to me by Modest Mouse a while back, it’s pretty cool. Here are the lyrics:

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I’m not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it’s myself
And I’m trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I’ve change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon
I’ve changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

I especially love the last two lines. Really hits home.

So I wanted to write an informative piece on young people and mental illness. A lot of the blogs I follow are people older than me, more experienced than me. Having gone through years of struggles and joys with a mental illness you all have so much wisdom to share. And here I am, roughly 4 years into my bipolar and epilepsy diagnosis and I still have nothing of value to share really.

So I wanted to write from a young person’s perspective. In most cases, mental illnesses such as bipolar manifest themselves later in life, usually during a person’s early to late 20’s. It’s just one of those things – it’s when your brain is more developed and you’re emotionally more mature, a mental illness pops up with more dramatic force because even if you were living with it in your child or teenage hood it was usually boiled down to “childish tantrums” or “teenage mood wings.”

But anyway, here I am. I was 16 when diagnosed, and my word what a journey it has been. I always felt completely and utterly fucked up in comparison to my friends. (But often I’ve heard friends say how messed up they feel in comparison to me – just a weird young person thing I guess.) But it was so hard to get people to take me seriously. Confiding in someone would often go like this:

“So yeah, I’m bipolar. I have to take these meds and stuff.”:

“Bipolar? But isn’t that, like, an old person’s problem? Maybe you’re just pmsing.”

Aaaaaand cue the mental image of me punching this person in the face repeatedly.

Am I alone in thinking that a lot of people think bi polar and other illnesses are left for older people and that when you’re young there should be absolutely nothing wrong with you. That you’re imagining it or immature or a drama queen or that your doctor was just mistaken. Cause I’ve ran into that a lot. I had a stay in a mental institute and everyone there was older than me. There were a few younger people in their early 20’s and they were serial smokers and drinkers and not focused on their health at all…they just wanted to get out. So I felt really alone and second guesses myself and my wonderful doctor too.

But anyway, I’m waffling now.

I’ve done some research and calmed my mind a little. Bi polar effects people of ALL ages, not just “adults with fully developed brains”. I watched a documentary about kids, little kids, being diagnosed with bipolar with manic phases manifesting in extreme bouts of anger or violence. They have sleeping and eating and self esteem problems and often other issues such as epilepsy, asbergers and slight mental disabilities. But they also have a mental illness and have to deal with it as much as we have to. They just face more ridicule and play ground teasing and even bullying by other moms and dads because they are just so¬†different.

I am going to do more research and write about it again, but yeah, bipolar and such can effect ANYONE. Of ANY age. It doesn’t discriminate.

Do any of you out there have any opinions on age and mental illness? How old were you when diagnosed.

Glad some of you are doing so well. Take care xxx

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2013 in Bipolar, Music

 

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New Year’s song for my heart

t+I have this sort of tradition. Foe every new year that passes I choose a song that I think represents where I am and where I’m going and what I want to do and be in the year to come.

So my song for 2013 is Here I go again by Whitesnake. It was either that or Times are a’changing by Dylan. But I like to have upbeat happy songs for my yearly choice. I like to listen to it when I’m feeling particularly down and it gives me some sort of a renewed hope.

I love music.

No, I don’t know where I’m going¬†
But, I sure know where I’ve been¬†
Hanging on the promises 
In songs of yesterday 
An’ I’ve made up my mind,¬†
I ain’t wasting no more time¬†
Here I go again 
Here I go again 

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer,¬†
I never seem to find what I’m looking for¬†
Oh Lord, I pray 
You give me strength to carry on, 
‘Cos I know what it means¬†
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own¬†
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,¬†
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind¬†
I ain’t wasting no more time¬†

I’m just another heart in need of rescue,¬†
Waiting on love’s sweet charity¬†
An’ I’m gonna hold on¬†
For the rest of my days, 
‘Cos I know what it means¬†
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own¬†
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,¬†
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind¬†
I ain’t wasting no more time¬†

But, here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go 

‘Cos I know what it means¬†
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own¬†
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,¬†
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind,¬†
I ain’t wasting no more time¬†

An’ here I go again on my own¬†
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,¬†
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
‘Cos I know what it means¬†
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own¬†
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,¬†
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,

So yeah, that sort of is how I feel about this coming year. I’m lonely. There! Ha! I admitted it. I’ve lost a lot of friends and turned down a lot of love and that has made me feel lonely. I’ve been denying the fact I want somebody but I guess I do. The thing is it’s¬†loneliness¬†driving this¬†immediate¬†desire to get into a relationship and that is so, so bad. So hence the song, I’m going at it alone. And God knows I’ve been through a lot of pain this past year and I’m going into 2013 with no illusions, that pain and¬†loneliness¬†will come with me – I’m still working on fixing it. But I’m going to do it on my own, if I happen to fall in love and make some good new friends then great, but I’m perfectly okay with having to walk this journey on my own, ok, I’m¬†relatively¬†okay with it. I’ve found out what it means to feel truly alone and you know what, it’s not so bad. I’m ok. And I’m gonna get better.

 

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2013 in Depression, Relationships

 

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Happy New Year

Okay this is a bit of a late one but I’d like to wish all you wonderful people on here a very happy new year. Hope the year to come is fantastic and prosperous and full of good things for all of you.

I am so thankful for this blog and the lovely people I’ve come to know as we learn about and appreciate each others struggles, successes, happiness and sadness.

Here’s to another year of very therapeutic blogging.

Xxx

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2013 in Uncategorized