That’s what a “friend” said to me. She said I had no reason to feel depressed or attempt suicide. She wrote a very scathing letter, putting attempt in ” commas ” and said I should be disgusted with myself, and that I have everything going for me – why should I be depressed?
To say it was hurtful is an understatement. But since then I have looked at it from her position – she has her own issues and problems and was speaking from a place of hurt and anger with her own life. She has also always been jealous of me in some way (I know that sounds egotistic) but I get where she’s coming from. I have since parted ways from her though.
But that’s the point I’m getting at. Why do I feel so depressed?
I have a beautiful daughter and family. I’m a second year psychology student, I get good marks. I have a roof over my head, food and am well taken care of. My parents and family are supportive and I have a wonderful psychiatrist who has helped me through the years.
Does all this mean I should just be happy? That I have no reason to complain, to feel sad? Does it mean I’m an ungrateful whining selfish bitch?
No. I am in pain.
I feel it everyday.
People who say “oh snap out of it you have no reason to be depressed” are the worst people to be around. They don’t understand the all consuming feelings of hopelessness. And when we boil it down to biology, that it is all just a chemical imbalance in the brain – they don’t even understand that either. I have let people’s judgments get to me for far too long. Just because I have what one would perceive to be a good life doesn’t mean I have no justification for feeling what I am feeling.
What I feel is real and there everyday and I struggle with it. I’m the one that has to take countless medicines just to get out of bed in the morning and I’m the one who contemplates life and death almost daily. Does that make me weak and pathetic?
No. It makes me a survivor. It makes me a person trying to beat depression and control bi polar.
It makes me stronger everyday and more able to deal with the stigmas attached to who I am.
Just like someone may have a broken leg or heart problems, I have bi polar depression. It is a disease. It’s not some made up feeling that I use to manipulate people with. No.
So I am sad. I deal with it and try make the best of my life.
You go on and keep your ridiculous judgments to yourself.
Found this great story written on this very point – http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/serious.htm
Take care of yourselves, and really, F^%& what uneducated and judgmental people say.
neveraloneblog 
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
November 1, 2012 at 7:26 pm
You’re the second person to bring up bad attitudes about depression today. You know what’s all wonky about it? I’ve never had a single person complain when I was in a manic state. Not once. Not even when I interrupting and being impulsive. Everyone found it so charming and energetic. And not a single person even noticed that there was anything wrong with that giggly, bubbly, overly chatty moron that claimed me.
No, people only seem to notice when I’m depressed or mixed. And they all have to comment about it. They all seem to have this opinion on sadness and depression. You know what gets me fired up? When people without Dxs start running off at the mouth with clinical terms. “Oh, I’m so *bipolar* today.” or “I’ve just been so depressed lately.” It’s not cute. It’s not funny. No one with those diagnoses thinks that it’s witty that someone is taking a serious clinical term with so much guilt and stigma that it could bring down a religion, and applying it to their BS, frivolous emotions!
It does everything it can to minimize our conditions. Oh, yeah, it’s something we can really snap out of, like we choose to be disordered. Yeah, it’s the life, let me tell you. If I were doing anything for attention, it wouldn’t be this. It would probably be something more hilarious, like plastering myself with an obscenely worded banner and rollerblading through Downtown. Depression isn’t newsworthy, but that sure is.
It has to make me wonder if these people are actually so naive that they are jealous of it. So much emphasis is put on the “just get over it” ideals, as if that were possible. If I could will myself out of this state, don’t you think I would do it already? Don’t these people seem to think that I want to reclaim my life and be a productive person? Sure, who doesn’t love ignoring their kid because the voices just got too loud? Personally, I love gripping my ears and screaming, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!”
And as a result, I really am starting to believe that non-Dx people are starting to get jealous, because they seem to think that we aren’t being responsible for our emotions and behaviors. As if we want to have to thrust a sense of selfishness and entitlement out there, because we have no other choice when it comes to wellness and caring for ourselves. It’s those same people that shove themselves and their ideals down other people’s throats, only to make them feel bad. Misery loves company, and we’re perfect targets, right?
Okay, I’m done now. I have effectively taken up all of your comments section with my rant. Thanks for the fuel for the fire though. I might have to scoop this up and post it while it’s fresh.
zozespot
November 1, 2012 at 8:47 pm
Thank you for your very valid and well thought out, well written comment! Everything you said is completely true. I also find people just love me when I’m manic, life of the party and all that (especially the guys – but that’s when you end up doing stupid things!) and then when it comes to the depressive part they all suddenly disappear or have a lot of negative things to say. As if we can control our emotions that easily. I especially hate it when people make light of bi polar in some sort of a joke, maybe I’m just being anal about it but I find it so insensitive and they have absoluetely NO idea what it involves and the depths from which it comes and the damage it can do. Everyday is a new struggle but also a new chance to get yourself on the right track.
Unfortunately I’ve learned the hard way when it comes to friends, recently had one who told me to just get over myself. Ironic because she suffers from bi polar too.. but I suppose I just need to understand where her own anger is coming from. It’s just hard to lose friends because of an illness that is very often out of your hands!
But like I said, everyday I try a little harder and am stronger than the day before.
Thanks for the read 🙂
Sending you lots of good happy, be well vibes 🙂 xxx
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
November 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I feel betrayed when someone with a disorder starts to come at me about my own. I feel like they should understand.
What I really dislike even more is when people with disorder who aren’t in treatment like to make comments on mine. I’ve had so many people tell me, “Oh, it’s just a matter of controlling yourself.” If it were a matter of controlling myself, then would I be on five medications? They act like these medications are recreational!
There is absolutely nothing recreational about it! Medications are expensive, and so are doctor’s visits. And maybe that’s why people who aren’t in treatment want to stop my own. I have to wonder if some people just can’t stand to watch me try to get better.
zozespot
November 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I totally relate. I spent some time in a psych hospital and found that a lot of people don’t actually want to get better – they just want to wallow in their misery. And then when you try they come at you with things like “oh you must not really be sick” or claim you are just faking or being dramatic. That irritates me the most!!
When it comes to friends and family.. they can cause the worst betrayal. I just hate hate hate being judged.