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Motivation and Medication

Motivation…I have none of.

Medication…plenty.

Being on Abilify has so far not done very much for me. Granted it’s only been a few days but still, I want to see results dammit! I still feel kind of depressed and sluggish and swing between despair to excitement within minutes of each other. Really weird. I was hoping by now I would be all better and ready to tackle the world-

however

I have none of that stuff that makes you want to do stuff. You know? I have just written a therapeutic psychology test which I definitely didn’t study hard enough for BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I guess another part is that I don’t feel motivated right now to just want to do it. Like I said in my previous post, this is bad because my degree is just so close. A few months away. All I have to do is work super hard and I can graduate with some really good marks and be well on my way into an honour’s programme. But how can I do this all when all I really want to do is sleep, talk to my on/off boyfriend and drink coffee. I look at my textbooks and just feel…blah…instead of the excitement and hopefulness I used to feel. So maybe it’s a bit of burnout? I have been at this full time non stop studying thing for 3 years now. So surely being a bit tired and unmotivated-ish is unavoidable really?

But then why is everyone else around me doing so well and I’m stuck on a swing.

Back and forth between happy and sad.

Excited and hopeless.

Back and forth between nothing and everything.

 

So how long til that Abilify kicks in?

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Posted by on August 15, 2013 in Bipolar, Medication

 

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Why why why

Why is there such a stigma attached to mental illness?

We are in the year 2013, having experienced great leaps of science, medicine and understanding of the human psyche.

Then why, when it comes up and tell someone you actually live with a mental disorder, do they gave you that look and say “ohhhh.”

I’ve been asked a lot of questions when it comes to my bi-polar. Alot of them have to do with my daughter (eg: is she going to have it when she’s older?) and a lot of it is just general misinformed rubbish. I think it’s cause I’m so young. Because no, mental disorders are for older people, with more life experience and more time to go crazy. I can’t possibly be bipolar…I’m too young…the doctor just probably loves dishing out diagnosis and putting you on a bunch of pills.

I’ve met a lot of judgmental idiots. But I’ve also met a lot of caring, understanding and supportive people – yet usually these are the ones who have a disorder themselves, or have a close family member who does. They read my blog and think it’s good (which I’m so grateful for!) and most importantly…they are educated.

It seems like there is not enough literature in the world to educate people and get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness. It’s a societal thing. Engraved in the minds of many, many people who see mental illness in the media as something completely and utterly tragic and something scary. The media, movies and television display mental illness in the most drastic way possible. We don’t all flip our tops and go on killing sprees or talk to the walls and become obsessed with lovers. No, some of us are just your average joe/jane really just trying to make it through life with something real and hard. We just have an extra bag or load to carry with us. But we are not freaks or weirdo’s or “insane.”

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Bipolar, Random

 

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Dystonia / Dyskinesia Reactions

I had a dyskinesia reaction to Geodon, which my doctor put me on to help the mania. It was like a rave party in my body. My legs and hands were spasming so bad people around me thought I was having a full blown grand mal seizure. I kept saying ti didn’t feel epilepsy-like. I was still fully conscious and understanding everything around me, I juts couldn’t stop the twitching. It was really weird. So off I went to hospital where I stayed for the night. Then I went home. Then I went back and stayed another night – and that’s when the casualty doctor figured I was having some kind of reaction and gave me a drug to counteract the geodon in my system.

I felt as high as kite after that. I had no clue what was going on around me for a few days. My mom was furious, how can a drug that’s supposed to help you actually CAUSE so much more damage?

So I decided I didn’t want to be on those meds, went back to hospital and stayed for about 2 days, just flushing all the drugs out my system with enough saline solution that I had to pee every hour. I also got a range of tests done, MRI, catscan, another eeg. And, well, I don’t have a brain tumour or anything (yay!) just the epilepsy…the electric pulses in my brain werk nie so lekker nie (afrikaans for my brain is fucked up). I was glad there is nothing hugely neurologically wrong of course. But I was bummed about having to change my psych meds. I’m now back on zyprexa. That little white pill that knocks you out and “makes you eat like a horse” (my doctors words!)

I’ve already gained about 2 kg and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Sigh. I mean it’s not too bad, I’m short, I weighed 51 kg about, I needed to put a bit of extra weight on. BUT I don’t want it to carry on! I’m way to vain for that shit.

Anyway, I found some cool info on dystonia/dyskinesia reactions. Read if interested:

A number of drugs are capable of causing dystonia. In most cases, people develop an acute dystonic reaction resulting after a one-time exposure. Symptoms may include intermittent spasmodic or sustained involuntary contractions of muscles in the face, neck, trunk, pelvis, and extremities. The symptoms are usually transient and may be treated successfully with medications such as Benadryl (diphenhydramine).

Another type of drug-induced dystonia is called tardive dystonia. Tardive dystonia is a form of tardive dyskinesia, which includes involuntary movements that resemble multiple movement disorders. The term tardive means “late” to indicate that the condition occurs some time after drug exposure, and the terms dyskinesia and dystonia describe the types of movements involved. Tardive dyskinesias are neurologic syndromes caused by exposure to certain drugs, namely a class of medications called neuroleptics which are used to treat psychiatric disorders, some gastric conditions, and certain movement disorders. The amount of exposure to such drugs varies greatly among patients. Tardive dystonia and dyskinesias may also develop as a symptom of prolonged treatment with levodopa in some Parkinson’s disease patients.

Drugs belonging to this class of neuroleptics include (trade name listed in parenthesis): Acetohenazine (Tindal), amoxapine (Asendin), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Permitil, Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane, Daxolin), mesoridazine (Serentil), metaclopramide (Reglan), molinndone (Lindone, Moban), perphanzine (Trilafrom, Triavil), piperacetazine (Quide), prochlorperzine (Compazine, Combid), promazine (Sparine), promethazine (Phenergan), thiethylperazine (Torecan), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), triflupromazine (Vesprin), and trimeprazine (Temaril).

Symptoms may develop after weeks or years of drug exposure. Both tardive dystonia and other tardive dyskinesias typically involve (but are not necessarily limited to) the muscles of the face. Symptoms may also include muscle spasms of the neck, trunk, and/or arms.

The movements typical of tardive dystonia are generally slower and more sustained than other dyskinesias, though the presence of a dystonic tremor in opposition to the main dystonia movement may cause a more rapid appearance of movement. Dyskinesias are usually characterized by quick, jerking movements that may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering, and eye blinking. The arms, legs, and trunk may also be involved. Movements of the fingers may appear as though the individual is playing an invisible guitar or piano.

The frequency and pattern of movements may fluctuate. The predominant condition (for example if symptoms are mostly dystonic) will usually dictate the course of treatment.

 

(Not mine! Taken from http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/76.php)

It’s funny how meds made to help you can actually hurt you more. I was on the geodon since October then all of a sudden the reaction just cropped up. It sucks, I liked that medication. Just not the rave party in my muscles.

Oh well, it’s all a process of trying and failing I guess. Finding what works for you. I wish I didn’t have to use the Zyprexa, but my doc and I agreed I need to be on a anti-psychotic. Rather that then another trip to crazyland.

Peace and Love to everyone 🙂

xxxx

 
 

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Feeling Okay

Things with S are going so well. Things are going well in general actually.

We’ve been spending time together, not too much, like 3 times a week. And when we are together it’s magical and wonderful and special, we can be really cuddling and kissing (which is strange because often I don’t really like being cuddled at all – but with him – very different) and we can go straight from that into a debate about history or politics or the latest affairs. I can really talk to this guy. About anything. I slept over at his place and we sat up until 3 in the morning. Just talking. It was great.

And he’s been reading up on bi polar and the signs and symptoms and what it means. He said he wants to understand and know what to look out for and be aware of everything. I told him I would always communicate about how I’m feeling and tell him what’s going on but he seems to really want to understand it properly so he can know for himself. I think he’s terrified of what I could do if I had another manic spell – go crazy, cheat on him, try kill myself again. I don’t know, he seems just as scared as me that something is going to go wrong. But I’ve decided that we can’t live in fear. I need to be proactive and ensure I don’t have such a bad episode again. Everything will be alright.

I haven’t been sleeping so great – but that’s nothing bi polary that’s just my general insomnia. I’m scared to take sleeping pills just in case my daughter needs me in the night and I’m too out of it to help her or get up to comfort her when she wakes up searching for her dummy. I guess we’ll see how it goes. When I’ve had a really bad night I try take a small nap in the day. That probably doesn’t help the night time sleep stuff but at least I don’t feel like such a zombie.

I’m grateful for my medication, my doctor and this wonderful man whose come into my life who is accepting of my past, present, my child and me. And still wants a future with me.

I just wanted to say that. 🙂

Hope everyone is well xxx

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Random, Relationships

 

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Living in fear

I need to blog more. I get a truck load of thoughts building up and then when it comes to writing them down I look at a blank screen and nothing flies from my fingertips like I thought it would. I don’t know, maybe I’m just busy. Life is busy right now. I’m still seeing this guy who makes me really happy. Besides the occasional down day when I let my doubts and feelings of self hatred grab hold and I end up acting like a complete idiot and feeling over sensitive to every word he says, besides for that, I’m pretty happy with him. He’s normal. In the good way. I like it.

It’s been quite a long while since I’ve liked a guy this much. I find myself thinking of him when I’m doing the most arbitrary things. Looking forward to a text from him. Getting butterflies on the way to meeting up with him. Practically fainting when he kisses me in that way where he touches my cheek and gives me this little smile. My gosh, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale movie.

So when is the evil dark lord bi polar and sickening fiend epilepsy going to rush into the scene and just RUIN everything? I realize that’s pretty unhealthy, like I’m just waiting for these things to crop up and cause damage instead of taking the steps to ensure it doesn’t happen. I mean I am, I’m taking my meds and seeing my doc and I’ve been honest with him about everything. Yesterday I got heart palpitations (a side effect of my medicine) and he just stared at me with this look of complete and utter concern (and a bit of fear) and stared for a while. It was so awkward, I didn’t know how to react. I felt weird for saying anything. It’s the beginning stages of everything and I still want him to think I’m this perfect girl though that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not perfect and I got a bunch of baggage and these things that do go wrong. And often.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so negative. Maybe I’m just really scared. Scared of being rejected again because of my illness. Scared of being hurt like that again.

It’s not nice living in fear like this. It will stop what I have with him possibly developing into something real and beautiful.

So I’m just going to try. Push these thoughts out of my mind, look after myself, build a good foundation with him and try keep things light hearted and lovey-dovey/mushy for now – just how things should be in the beginning.

Ah.

I’m still terrified.

 

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Bipolar, Random

 

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Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in Bipolar, mania, Relationships

 

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First Date

I went on a date with a very nice boy last night. It was completely and entirely amazing. I’ll be seeing him again.

Please me, don’t fuck this up!

I’m feeling more me and me everyday. I want to be normal and date a normal boy and just be happy. so yeah,

fuck you bi-polar. Watch me kick your ass.

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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