RSS

Category Archives: children

I feel depressed.

Not in general, but definitely today. I just feel so sad. So useless. So lonely.

I’m missing a friend, was hoping to see him again soon. But things have just gotten so complicated. I don’t know when I will see him.

I go back to Varsity tomorrow. Which is good I know, I am keen to getting back to doing some work, stimulating my mind a little. But I’m also a tad freaked out. My final year, so much work. I’m nervous. I know that’s just the depression whispering “you’re useless” into my ear.

The weather is very rainy. I love rain, but not today. I wish there was some to fry my brain a bit. Rain always makes me think too much.

And I’m lonely. So so lonely. I miss the aforementioned friend, Gee. Wish I could just hug him or something. But like I said, shits’ complicated there. So that’s where the loneliness is kicking in. I miss being in a relationship (kind of). I have a few dates lined up and I ma seeing my good friends, so I’m not alone as much as I feel alone. I think my mind is just lonely. It feels lonely all up in my head. There’s plenty of voices, telling me how pathetic and stupid I am and reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made but besides for that it’s lonely in there. Does that make any sense or does it just sound insane?

My daughter is getting bigger everyday. Things with her father are terrible. He’s a dick. It’s as simple as that. And is not contributing a cent towards her life. So that’s depressing all in itself.

But what I mean is my babygirl is getting so big and I feel like I’m doing a terrible job. That my bipolar is going to ruin her life someday. That I’m going to hurt her. Once again. Just the depression talking.

Right?

Advertisements
 
5 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2013 in Bipolar, children, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lexi Isabella

I got pregnant at 19. Woopsy.

I had just started my first year at university and was more than a little distraught. Yet there was never a doubt in my mind. I would have this baby, raise it as best as I could and try make things work with her father (Our relationship was a bit rocky but we became very excited as my tummy grew). My family was supportive and caring and wonderful. I was encouraged to stay in university and work hard. I was truly blessed. I had everything I needed.

Most of it went according to plan. Her father worked and moved in with us and our relationship worked. I stuck through university, swollen feet, aching back and all. I passed everything. My daughter grew beautifully every day and was a real active baby in my tummy. I didn’t get the birth I wanted, because I had to have an emergency c section and I had to write supplementary exams. Yet I recovered okay and passed everything and spent my holidays with this beautiful new born little angel.

From there on things went south between me and her dad. I broke up with him and he moved out. I was devastated but couldn’t handle the fighting anymore.

I returned for my second year, leaving my little one with a nanny then finally enrolling her in a play school when the nanny turned out to be unreliable. I passed my first semester with distinctions all round. I was doing okay. I was a single mommy at university just doing the best I could.

So if I look back at the past year and think “hey, I guess I’ve done okay.” Me and her dad are now good friends, I have a part time job so I can contribute a little and I work frikkin hard at varsity. I’ll be in third year next year.

But I cant help it. I cant help regretting so much. I could be working on a cruise ship, travelling the world like some of my friends (I would have taken a year off). I could have gone out without worrying about my Lexi and whether my boobs would leak whilst I was on the dance floor. I could go down to the coast without worrying about car seats and prams and nappies and formula. I could date freely. I could live freely. I wouldn’t feel guilty about my parents paying for everything cause I would have stuck with my previous part time job and been able to buy all the clothes and jewelry and shoes I wanted. I could maybe be in Thailand right now with my best friend (provided I could have gotten the money together). I could be someone else. I could be label free. Once you have a baby this young you become that girl. I could just be free.

It sounds terrible I know. I love my daughter. I truly do. But dammit it is hard. She’s one now and the most adventurous thing I’ve ever seen, we hardly get a moments peace.

 

But really, I don’t think I would have it any other way. I see life differently now. I’ve grown. I’m humble. I understand the value of money and how difficult things can be. I understand my parents. I am grateful for them. I still go out, they babysit. I can still be me, just with an earlier curfew and wondering how she is doing instead of flirting with the boy across the room (though, I still do that sometimes too :-)). I have found out just what unconditional love is and how beautiful it is to watch a tiny single celled organism grow into a beautiful healthy walking baby girl. I know what it’s like to have someone so dependent on you, to have them lay their head on your shoulder and say “mama mama mama”. My darling little Lexi Isabella.

I will still travel, I will still see the world. Once I have my master’s degree and my child is big enough to understand how amazing the world is we will go off on our adventures. I will make beautiful life long memories for and with her.

It’s been a long, tough, amazing, incredible road, overfilled with tears as well as laughter.

And I think it’s only going to get better.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on December 20, 2012 in children, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,