I’m currently reading Gone with the Wind. I loved the movie. It was beautiful and tragic. I especially enjoy the character of Scarlet O’hara. Terrifyingly, I find myself identifying with her in more than a few ways.
Scarlet likes to bat her eyes and show her dimples and sway her hips, and of course, all the boys fall all over themselves to hold her hand or dance with her or even propose. And she loves it. She gets frustrated when the conversation isn’t centered on her and is bored easily. She doesn’t get on well with other women and prefers the exciting conversation of men, all while judging them secretly in her head. Yet she has a secret wit about her, a cleverness she conceals in wide eyed faked innocence and is able to get out of any kind of trouble with a smile. She tries her best to be a lady, but secretly wants to ride horses and climb trees and will do anything to win over the love of a man she can’t really have.
And that used to be me not so long ago, Manic me – in a way. Though it was pretty ingrained in my personality. I used to think I could get anything I wanted with enough charm. I want something. I go get it. It’s simple.
So I met a guy that I really like. We’ve only been out once and it was lovely and great and I laughed and only had two drinks and held my dignity intact and truly had a great time. We shared a good kiss and I felt a little spark that I haven’t in awhile. It was really nice. And you know what I liked the most about it? I didn’t pull out any Scarlet O’hara moves. At all. I was just simple little ol’ me, Normal. Average. And perfectly okay with it.
This is a good sign. A sign of maturity, I don’t have to be adored to feel worthy. I know I am good and deserve good things. I don’t have to have my self esteem boosted by the attention of somebody anymore. Okay I’m still learning, and I’ll admit I get that urge to seduce and conquer and I fight it off, But honestly, I’m just starting to feel so normal. And that’s great.
Yet how ironic that I’ve found someone I can be normal with, and we both don’t want a relationship. Everything about him screams emotionally unavailable and everything about me, is well, completely unavailable.
It’s kind of unfortunate. Cause he’s nice.
Hope everyone is doing well