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Monthly Archives: December 2012

Scarlet O’hara

I’m currently reading Gone with the Wind. I loved the movie. It was beautiful and tragic. I especially enjoy the character of Scarlet O’hara. Terrifyingly, I find myself identifying with her in more than a few ways.

Scarlet likes to bat her eyes and show her dimples and sway her hips, and of course, all the boys fall all over themselves to hold her hand or dance with her or even propose. And she loves it. She gets frustrated when the conversation isn’t centered on her and is bored easily. She doesn’t get on well with other women and prefers the exciting conversation of men, all while judging them secretly in her head. Yet she has a secret wit about her, a cleverness she conceals in wide eyed faked innocence and is able to get out of any kind of trouble with a smile. She tries her best to be a lady, but secretly wants to ride horses and climb trees and will do anything to win over the love of a man she can’t really have.

And that used to be me not so long ago, Manic me – in a way. Though it was pretty ingrained in my personality. I used to think I could get anything I wanted with enough charm. I want something. I go get it. It’s simple.

So I met a guy that I really like. We’ve only been out once and it was lovely and great and I laughed and only had two drinks and held my dignity intact and truly had a great time. We shared a good kiss and I felt a little spark that I haven’t in awhile. It was really nice. And you know what I liked the most about it? I didn’t pull out any Scarlet O’hara moves. At all. I was just simple little ol’ me, Normal. Average. And perfectly okay with it.

This is a good sign. A sign of maturity, I don’t have to be adored to feel worthy. I know I am good and deserve good things. I don’t have to have my self esteem boosted by the attention of somebody anymore. Okay I’m still learning, and I’ll admit I get that urge to seduce and conquer and I fight it off, But honestly, I’m just starting to feel so normal. And that’s great.

Yet how ironic that I’ve found someone I can be normal with, and we both don’t want a relationship. Everything about him screams emotionally unavailable and everything about me, is well, completely unavailable.

It’s kind of unfortunate. Cause he’s nice.

Hope everyone is doing well

xxxx

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2012 in mania, Random, Relationships

 

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A night out

“So you walk into the room…dripping in gold…all eyes on you. Is it warm in here It feels warm in here. Take off jacket. Let the cleavage show. I’ll have a beer thanks. And a tequila shot, let’s get the night going! Dripping in gold…always dripping in gold. Let’s dance, it’s time to dance. Grab just any decent looking man. Shake what yo mamma gave ya. Have another shot. Chase it with a beer cause hey, I’m not driving. Flirt with the guitarist. Flirt with the bartender. A free drink? Thanks! Hug all friends, let them know how much you love them. Oh that’s a sexy boy, let’s go talk to him. Dance some more. Avoid the guys who are now competing for your attention. Find someone else. Kiss him in the parking lot. Take his number, with no intention to call. Call the next day anyway. Go home. Fall into bed. Dripping in gold…thoughts racing, heart pounding, ears ringing from swaying right next to the speakers. Drift into sleep. Awake 3 hours later. Write.”

 

This is how a typical night out would have gone for me when in a slightly manic state. That would have been my actions and thought processes. Weird right?

But then I went out last night. I drank only tab. I covered up a little. I tried my very best not to flirt. Paid for my own drink. Spoke with my friends instead of speaking to them. Danced like I was free, well and truly free…and all by myself. I wasn’t dripping in gold. I was normal. Just simple looking. There were way prettier looking girls there. Smile at a stranger. He smiles back. Nice smile. I spoke to the stranger. With confidence, but not arrogance. I was a normal girl and he was a normal guy. I didn’t do it to get free drinks or attention or a random hook up. He just had a nice smile. Danced some more. Went home sober with nice smile man’s business card. Did not kiss random nice smile man in dodgy parking lot. My ears were still ringing though. And I eventually fell asleep. And I actually slept.

I’m glad the mania is gone. I feel so good. Free. But in all he right ways.

Last night feels like an accomplishment for me. I am satisfied. Did not spend my Sunday regretting my actions.

 

This is good. I am happy.

And maybe I will text nice smile man after all.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2012 in mania

 

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Lexi Isabella

I got pregnant at 19. Woopsy.

I had just started my first year at university and was more than a little distraught. Yet there was never a doubt in my mind. I would have this baby, raise it as best as I could and try make things work with her father (Our relationship was a bit rocky but we became very excited as my tummy grew). My family was supportive and caring and wonderful. I was encouraged to stay in university and work hard. I was truly blessed. I had everything I needed.

Most of it went according to plan. Her father worked and moved in with us and our relationship worked. I stuck through university, swollen feet, aching back and all. I passed everything. My daughter grew beautifully every day and was a real active baby in my tummy. I didn’t get the birth I wanted, because I had to have an emergency c section and I had to write supplementary exams. Yet I recovered okay and passed everything and spent my holidays with this beautiful new born little angel.

From there on things went south between me and her dad. I broke up with him and he moved out. I was devastated but couldn’t handle the fighting anymore.

I returned for my second year, leaving my little one with a nanny then finally enrolling her in a play school when the nanny turned out to be unreliable. I passed my first semester with distinctions all round. I was doing okay. I was a single mommy at university just doing the best I could.

So if I look back at the past year and think “hey, I guess I’ve done okay.” Me and her dad are now good friends, I have a part time job so I can contribute a little and I work frikkin hard at varsity. I’ll be in third year next year.

But I cant help it. I cant help regretting so much. I could be working on a cruise ship, travelling the world like some of my friends (I would have taken a year off). I could have gone out without worrying about my Lexi and whether my boobs would leak whilst I was on the dance floor. I could go down to the coast without worrying about car seats and prams and nappies and formula. I could date freely. I could live freely. I wouldn’t feel guilty about my parents paying for everything cause I would have stuck with my previous part time job and been able to buy all the clothes and jewelry and shoes I wanted. I could maybe be in Thailand right now with my best friend (provided I could have gotten the money together). I could be someone else. I could be label free. Once you have a baby this young you become that girl. I could just be free.

It sounds terrible I know. I love my daughter. I truly do. But dammit it is hard. She’s one now and the most adventurous thing I’ve ever seen, we hardly get a moments peace.

 

But really, I don’t think I would have it any other way. I see life differently now. I’ve grown. I’m humble. I understand the value of money and how difficult things can be. I understand my parents. I am grateful for them. I still go out, they babysit. I can still be me, just with an earlier curfew and wondering how she is doing instead of flirting with the boy across the room (though, I still do that sometimes too :-)). I have found out just what unconditional love is and how beautiful it is to watch a tiny single celled organism grow into a beautiful healthy walking baby girl. I know what it’s like to have someone so dependent on you, to have them lay their head on your shoulder and say “mama mama mama”. My darling little Lexi Isabella.

I will still travel, I will still see the world. Once I have my master’s degree and my child is big enough to understand how amazing the world is we will go off on our adventures. I will make beautiful life long memories for and with her.

It’s been a long, tough, amazing, incredible road, overfilled with tears as well as laughter.

And I think it’s only going to get better.

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2012 in children, Relationships

 

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School Shooting

My heart breaks all the way from South Africa for those affected by the shooting in Connecticut.
There is just too much evil in the world.

I am praying for you America.

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

I cant sleep

It’s 2AM here in Johannesburg. And I cant sleep.

A lot on the mind I suppose. A boy, my new job, my studies (will be entering third year next year), am I raising my daughter right, is my mood alright, am I alright? And, I have a headache too.

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I didn’t feel the need. I suppose I do now. So, update. I had a visit with my doc a few days back, it went a little something like this:

“You’re a little manic, aren’t you?”

I thought of my driving speed, starting drinking again, the people I had started speaking to again, the very revealing shirt I was wearing…and then I said “Well, maybe. I guess.”

So he put me on Geodon which is supposed to bring me down a bit. Which is right. Noticing how out of whack my mood chart has become and how little of it I was actually fitting in made me realize I have been manic. I just thought I was so so so busy, but it was just my mind that was so so so busy. I sat and played the new Hitman, a PC game, for 18 hours. 18 hours. I don’t even play games that much. How crazy is that? Okay not all at once, but over a period of about 3 days. Shocking.

Which brings me to the slightly obsessive part of my personality I’ve been ignoring. I tend to get a little, carried away, when something new and exciting enters my life. Whether its a guy or a game or a new job or an assignment, I dive at it in full force. And if procrastination takes over and I put it on the back burner I bring it right up again and become even more obsessive til the job is done or I’ve driven myself mad trying to be the smartest or prettiest or best at a job. It’s ridiculous. What person in their right mind puts this much pressure on themselves? But oh yeah, I’m not in my right mind.

But I will be soon. I already feel the Geodon starting to chill me out a little bit. I’m feeling more…comfortable.

I’m also on holiday now, no varsity and my new job officially starts on the 5th of Jan – I’ll be working at a doctor’s practice which is really cool and I’m just fitting in so well or so I think. So I’m pretty much completely stress free – no deadlines to meet or places I have to be. Just gonna be me and my baby girl for a few weeks over this festive season (and my other family of course) just being. We don’t have much to worry about – which is good. Yet I will still find something to obsess over. Like right now. 2AM and I’m wondering why I’m so obsessive and why my relationships and friendships don’t seem to make it past the 2 year mark. And the friends I have had for longer than that have faded slightly but at least they’re still there I guess. I mean the real relationships, the up close and personal ones always end at about the 2-3 year mark. It’s like a habit with me. Especially with girlfriends or some guy friends, the relationship has some kind of epic meltdown at the time due to my own repressed issues that explode out or their inability to deal with me any longer. Surely this is something I should talk about in therapy instead of spew on this page right?

But sometimes, I think this blog is the best therapy I can get.

So anyway, I’m off to check on how all of ya’ll have been doing. Expect a flurry of comments 🙂

Take care xxx

 

 
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Posted by on December 14, 2012 in Random, Relationships

 

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