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Monthly Archives: November 2012

Rejection

You know for someone like me…relatively pretty and relatively smart (sorry to blow my own horn here)…

 

I REALLY DO NOT HANDLE REJECTION WELL

 

Fuck.

That is all.

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on November 28, 2012 in Random, Relationships

 

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50 ways to say how I got these scars…

I’m a huge Train fan and they have this song called 50 ways to say goodbye and the lyrics go a bit like this

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died

Basically he’s singing about the fact his girlfriend left him and needs a way to tell all his friends she died instead so he can save himself the embarrassment. It’s a really cute song. And exactly how I feel about the scars on my wrists from when I tried to off myself. Haha.

So I’m trying to think of 50 ways to tell people who ask about them an excuse… oh, I fell through some glass, a bear attacked me, I took part in a fencing competition and it got a little heated etc etc…

I made my first real social debut last night after everything that has happened this past month. My friends all marveled at “how great I seem” and “your hair looks lovely!” (I cut it shorter) and “well done for stopping drinking!” But two of them noticed the healing scars that are big and ugly and red and gave me a look and snapped, “Zee, what the fuck happened there?” The scars are right by the tattoo of my daughter’s name. And I could just see the look in their eyes…

You see these friends are the ones I don’t see that often. High school friends and we get together to catch up now and then and party up a storm. They’re sweet and always ask about my daughter and stuff, but they don’t really know my mental health struggles. And that’s okay. So how do I explain, oh yeah, that. Well I tried to kill myself but it all went wrong.

I feel enough shame, and while I know many of them won’t judge me I know the first words out their mouth will be shock and “what about your daughter?!?”

And what on earth do I say to that?

I’m still healing. Still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not strong enough yet to explain my story in such a way that I come off as stronger and happier. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

So maybe I can say a dog bit me? I fought off a knife wielding serial killer? I fell through a window?

Cause the “I’m so weak that I tried to take my own life” answer reduces me to tears. 

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Forgiveness

I’ve been a little quiet lately. Not sure why – suppose no inspiration to write anything meaningful. I did catch up on a lot of blogs and it seems many of you are feeling positive and happier and that is fantastic 🙂

I’ve been keeping a mood chart and started to realize I’m heading slightly manic. The other day I got back some of the marks for my exams I just wrote and I didn’t do nearly as well as I planned. I’m a bit of an over achiever and to tell you the truth it devastated me. But not in the curl in a ball and cry type of way, more like I want to jump out of my skin and find the nearest bar and a boy to keep me company and just forget all my troubles. Bad bad. So I phoned a bi-polar help line and it helped a lot. A very sweet lady talked me down a bit. I also phoned AA and a women on the other end quite simply said a drink will just make everything worse and you will regret it. I’m almost 40 days sober. Why would I want to ruin that?

So I gave my keys to my brother and told him not to let me drive anyway, I phoned a great friend and vented a little bit. I did some yoga, then took a zyprexa which is an anti psychotic and ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. It really knocks you out.

I think I handled things okay. I reached out for help instead of running away. I’m proud of myself for that.

But yeah, that’s just a quick up date. What I really wanted to blog about today was forgiveness. Forgiving oneself, forgiving others. I read some where that “not forgiving people who have wronged you is like drinking poison and expecting them to die” – all it does is destroy your own inner happiness.

I’ve blogged about the issues I had with a few friends and I realized today whilst running my ass off on the treadmill that I am so filled with anger and I’ve just pushed it all away on the pretense of “trying to be the better person”. I vented a bit on a previous post but felt bad about it. Which is stupid. I’m angry with them for the things they said, turning my back on me. I know I wronged them, but why did they do what they did?

Then the rational part of me says “they don’t deserve you, they’re fair weather friends.” But that doesn’t stop the hurt. So I’ve decided. I’m gonna write it all out in my journal. And repeat it everyday if I have to.

I’m sorry I hurt you my friends, but you hurt me. And that’s okay. I forgive you.

Maybe that sounds a tad self righteous but I’ve been thinking from where their anger was coming from and realized no body is perfect. Gee and Princess Pea and a few others. I forgive you.

And now for the really hard part. Forgiving myself.

I messed up so badly. While I was manic I did a lot of really stupid stuff. I drank, I spent time with some real low lives. And I was promiscuous  And I neglected my daughter. There. I admitted it. And it’s that which hurts me the most. It’s not who I am, but it’s the way I acted. And I have all this self hate and pity and such. But I need to stop. It’s stopping me from truly getting better.

So me, my soul, my heart and body, I forgive you too. And I will seek forgiveness from God who has unconditional love for me, even when I screw up.

Even if I have to repeat this everyday. I will seek forgiveness in every possible way.

 

Take care everyone xxx

 

I like this picture. I thought about all this when swinging, like a child, at the park the other day :

Image

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Learn the hard way..

“The Hard Way” – Fort Minor

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they’re acting’ so different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t ’cause they’re not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
’cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

 
 
 
That’s pretty much how I feel right now. When it comes to my friends, my family and my general relations with people in life. I look around right now and I see no one, all those people I thought loved me have vanished into thin air. I try grab hold of them, try get them to listen. I try be friendly, funny, cute, thinking they will maybe come back. Maybe love me again. Maybe even just reply to my damned messages.
I’m obviously not getting the hint here.
 
So I guess I messed up pretty bad. I hurt some of them (?) and now they want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. But is it really okay? If they were true friends wouldn’t they see through that, accept my apologies and take my hand and walk this journey with me? And not roll their eyes when I mention I went to AA, or call my blog stupid (granted she is not a friend anymore – good riddance, as painful as it is).
 
I just feel so frikkin damn lonely. Like would anybody give a shit if I disappeared forever?
I’m in my 20’s. Friends are important to me. And I had so many. I was the party girl, the sexy one, the lively friendly ‘let’s go drink a bottle of wine and talk about boys’. I was around for 2 am crying sessions and hour long conversations about why a friend’s boyfriend kept denying her sex.
 
Where are they now? Oh right, I lost my mind, made a few mistakes but am now trying to get better, am no longer the party girl and I guess I’m too boring and stupid for them now.
Hence the idea of learning the hard way, the very very hard way of who is true and who is not.
 
I am depressed today.
 
Tomorrow will be better.
 
And seeing as I’m listening to rap group Fort Minor here is a little song to my so called “friends”. It’s my way of saying a big FUCK YOU. In private of course.
(Sorry for the cussing and such 😦  )
 
“Believe Me”

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I don’t want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I’m just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you’ve got a face to pain
And the devil’s got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don’t really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I’m thinking like the mistake I made doesn’t hurt
But it’s not gonna work
Cause it’s really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we’ll see
But it’s not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

I guess
That this is where we’ve come to
If you don’t want to
Then you don’t have to believe me
But I won’t be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You’re on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You’re on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You’re on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You’re on your own now believe me

It’s not gonna happen with me
You’re on your own now believe me

 

 

 

Or maybe I’m the one whose on their own?

How long til I’m okay with that?

xxxxx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Liebster Nomination :)

I got nominated for a Liebster award by Merbear264 whose very interesting blog you can find here :http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/ . I really appreciate it and think this whole thing is very cool. If I understand correctly you have to list 11 things about yourself, then ask 11 questions and nominate 11 other people who have less than 200 followers?

I think it’s really cool 🙂

So here are 11 things about myself:

1. I have a one year old baby girl, who is the light of my life. I had her at 19. It taught me a lot!

2. I love to write. Even though I’m studying psychology, I hope to be a writer someday

3. I live in sunny South Africa, we have some crazy politics, but it’s a beautiful country.

4. I would love to go to Pairs someday.

5. I love to read. I could devour 3 or 4 books at a time on my e-reader

6. When I retire, I hope to open up a joint bookstore and coffee shop where people can just read and be themselves 🙂

7. I only drink decaff coffee, and have about 6 cups a day!

8. I love biltong (which is beef jerkey for all you non SA’s out there, but here, it tastes amazing!)

9. I really don’t like cats that much

10. I am petrified of fish! It’s like a phobia

11. This blog keeps me sane

Okay, now to answer merbear’s questions 🙂

1. Fact or fiction? Fiction!!

2.What is your favorite animal and why? Koala bear, they just look so cute and cuddly

3. Do you think being rich would make you happy? I think it might, especially if I could share that money with other people. I live in a relatively impoverished nation.

4. Are you bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, or grumpasauras rex? BIG TIME grumpassaruas!

5. What is your favorite dessert? I don’t really like sweet stuff!

6. What is your favorite thing about blogging? Getting my thoughts out of my head, and providing information on epilepsy and bi polar to some of my friends and other people who don’t understand it 100%

7. Do you like reality TV shows? NO NO NO. But I watch them in secret when I need to switch off my brain

8. If you could have lunch with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be? Nelson Mandela

9. What is your favorite breakfast cereal? I don’t really eat breakfast, bad I know! But it would have to be cocoa pops

10. Do you believe that love is all we need? Not really, you can’t eat love, you can’t find shelter in love, love doesn’t send your kids to school. Based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love is important, but we need to take care of our basic needs first.

11. Chocolate or vanilla? Possibly strawberry? I love vanilla!

Now for the blogs I nominate :

1. Australopith at http://australopith.wordpress.com/

2. Wynter’s Life at http://wynterslife.wordpress.com/

3. Zaarmeenk at http://zarmeenk.wordpress.com/

4. Raising 5 kids with Disabilities at http://5kidswdisabilities.com/

5. The Day After at http://lingeringvisions.wordpress.com/

6. Slightly Manic Mummy at http://slightlymanicmummy.wordpress.com/

7. Brain Cooties at http://braincooties.wordpress.com/

8. Cute. But Psycho at http://thecutebutpsychoblog.wordpress.com/

9. Ginzgg at http://ginzgg.wordpress.com/

10. Your Bipolar Girl at http://yourbipolargirl.wordpress.com/

11. Forcing myself Happy at http://forcingmyselfhappy.com/

Here are my questions :

1. Why do you blog?

2. Favorite colour?:

3. 3 things you love about yourself (don’t be shy!):

4. Favorite song:

5. Do you think voting is important?

6. What is your ultimate dream?:

7. Who was your first crush or infatuation?:

8. Would you rather be cremated or buried? (depressing I know, but death is inevitable!):

9. Do you have any children or do you want to have children someday?:

10. What is your secret talent?:

11. What is on your mind right now (the last thing you ate maybe?):

Okay cool! Here’s more info 🙂

There are 4 steps to receiving this award..

  1. List 11 things about yourself.
  2. Answer your nominator’s 11 questions.
  3. Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers and ask them your own questions.
  4. Inform your nominees of their award nominations.

Have a good day everyone!! xxxx

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 14, 2012 in Random

 

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An Anonymous Alcoholic

So. I decided a few days back I was going to give AA a try. Tonight is the first meeting. 19:30. I am going alone.

Now I don’t believe myself to be an alcoholic. It has been 32 days since I last touched alcohol (and the events of that night turned out disastrous and was part of the reason I decided to stop). I didn’t have any physiological re actions, which I thought was weird considering I’d been drinking almost everyday for a few months, but I suppose I wasn’t addicted physically. And not mentally either. I know maybe I sound like I’m in denial or whatever but I don’t think I’m a true alcoholic. Just a kid who turned to booze because she was overly manic and it tasted good.

So why AA then?

Well, it’s damn hard to avoid alcohol. Everywhere you look people are drinking, talking about it. In movies drinking and having a hangover is glorified in a way and going on a drinking spree in movies and shows is funny and almost cute, with the star waking up the next morning in a hilariously awkward position, but there are no real consequences. For example I watched the no movie “No Strings Attached” and after a night of drinking the guy wakes up in a girl friends apartment, they have a good laugh about his antics, become lovers that morning and end up together, happily ever after at the end of the movie.

I know it’s just a movie. But it glorifies drinking. But anyway, what I’m getting at is that it is hard to be sober when everything around you is just screaming DRINK ME IT’LL BE FUN.

So I’m going to an AA meeting to see how they do it. How do they avoid temptation? How do they move on with their lives after re calling moments when their drinking landed them in serious trouble or caused pain to others? How do they do it? That’s why I’m going.

And maybe I’ll make a few friends. Cause right now I have none who understand this journey I’m on. We’re young. I’m a varsity student. Life is all about the parties and drinking and being high on life. People say things like, “oh, you have an exam in a few days? Psshtt! Come out with us, have a few drinks! Just cram the night before. It works!”

No. It doesn’t. Not when you’re on medication and having 3 or 4 drinks completely ends you for days. I used to pride myself on being able to drink copious amounts, I’d pride myself on putting boys who drink beer to shame. I wouldn’t pride myself on the table dancing and drunk dialing (or dop en dial – is what we call it in South Africa) that followed after.

But now, I regress. Point is I’ve stopped drinking, and that’s good. But I’d like to keep not drinking. And I want to learn how through AA.

Wish me luck.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 14, 2012 in Alcoholics Anonymous

 

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Trying…

Trying. I am so over telling myself to ‘try.”

Try get out of bed. Try go see a friend. Try study harder. Try drive your car. Try be friendly when feeling low. Try be normal when feeling high. Try try try.

Well, I would like to say a big fuck you to the word TRY. (Sorry for swearing.)

They say that’s all we can do, is just try. Hell, I say that all the time. But I am so over trying to feel better and failing miserably. I’m over trying to study for my last exam and not being able to concentrate on a single sentence because my brain is pure mush with all the medication I’m on. I’m sick of trying to get to sleep. Insomnia blows. I’m sick of sleeping 10 hours, right though my one year old climbing off the bed because mommy wont wake up to play with her so she decides to cause havoc around the house. I’m tired of trying to establish good relationships with people I know are eventually going to turn their backs on me. I’m tired of trying to be normal, trying to be sane or trying to appear like I’m normal and sane.

I’ve been told to ‘try get over it,’ and to ‘try be normal.’

And that if i try hard enough I can accomplish anything.

Well I’m trying. And I’m failing.

As I glance at the minus 3 on my mood chart, as I see the huge textbook in front of me, as I feel the darkness creeping up one me, as I have no desire to go to gym, on a date with a boy who actually likes me, or even just at brushing my hair in the morning.

I can’t do anything right now. I’m pathetic and hopeless and having a shit day.

There. A negative post – I hate those. But at least I got it all out.

This day is hopefully, the lowest one I will have this week, because by damn I am going to try harder tomorrow.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on November 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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