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Category Archives: mania

Dystonia / Dyskinesia Reactions

I had a dyskinesia reaction to Geodon, which my doctor put me on to help the mania. It was like a rave party in my body. My legs and hands were spasming so bad people around me thought I was having a full blown grand mal seizure. I kept saying ti didn’t feel epilepsy-like. I was still fully conscious and understanding everything around me, I juts couldn’t stop the twitching. It was really weird. So off I went to hospital where I stayed for the night. Then I went home. Then I went back and stayed another night – and that’s when the casualty doctor figured I was having some kind of reaction and gave me a drug to counteract the geodon in my system.

I felt as high as kite after that. I had no clue what was going on around me for a few days. My mom was furious, how can a drug that’s supposed to help you actually CAUSE so much more damage?

So I decided I didn’t want to be on those meds, went back to hospital and stayed for about 2 days, just flushing all the drugs out my system with enough saline solution that I had to pee every hour. I also got a range of tests done, MRI, catscan, another eeg. And, well, I don’t have a brain tumour or anything (yay!) just the epilepsy…the electric pulses in my brain werk nie so lekker nie (afrikaans for my brain is fucked up). I was glad there is nothing hugely neurologically wrong of course. But I was bummed about having to change my psych meds. I’m now back on zyprexa. That little white pill that knocks you out and “makes you eat like a horse” (my doctors words!)

I’ve already gained about 2 kg and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Sigh. I mean it’s not too bad, I’m short, I weighed 51 kg about, I needed to put a bit of extra weight on. BUT I don’t want it to carry on! I’m way to vain for that shit.

Anyway, I found some cool info on dystonia/dyskinesia reactions. Read if interested:

A number of drugs are capable of causing dystonia. In most cases, people develop an acute dystonic reaction resulting after a one-time exposure. Symptoms may include intermittent spasmodic or sustained involuntary contractions of muscles in the face, neck, trunk, pelvis, and extremities. The symptoms are usually transient and may be treated successfully with medications such as Benadryl (diphenhydramine).

Another type of drug-induced dystonia is called tardive dystonia. Tardive dystonia is a form of tardive dyskinesia, which includes involuntary movements that resemble multiple movement disorders. The term tardive means “late” to indicate that the condition occurs some time after drug exposure, and the terms dyskinesia and dystonia describe the types of movements involved. Tardive dyskinesias are neurologic syndromes caused by exposure to certain drugs, namely a class of medications called neuroleptics which are used to treat psychiatric disorders, some gastric conditions, and certain movement disorders. The amount of exposure to such drugs varies greatly among patients. Tardive dystonia and dyskinesias may also develop as a symptom of prolonged treatment with levodopa in some Parkinson’s disease patients.

Drugs belonging to this class of neuroleptics include (trade name listed in parenthesis): Acetohenazine (Tindal), amoxapine (Asendin), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Permitil, Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane, Daxolin), mesoridazine (Serentil), metaclopramide (Reglan), molinndone (Lindone, Moban), perphanzine (Trilafrom, Triavil), piperacetazine (Quide), prochlorperzine (Compazine, Combid), promazine (Sparine), promethazine (Phenergan), thiethylperazine (Torecan), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), triflupromazine (Vesprin), and trimeprazine (Temaril).

Symptoms may develop after weeks or years of drug exposure. Both tardive dystonia and other tardive dyskinesias typically involve (but are not necessarily limited to) the muscles of the face. Symptoms may also include muscle spasms of the neck, trunk, and/or arms.

The movements typical of tardive dystonia are generally slower and more sustained than other dyskinesias, though the presence of a dystonic tremor in opposition to the main dystonia movement may cause a more rapid appearance of movement. Dyskinesias are usually characterized by quick, jerking movements that may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering, and eye blinking. The arms, legs, and trunk may also be involved. Movements of the fingers may appear as though the individual is playing an invisible guitar or piano.

The frequency and pattern of movements may fluctuate. The predominant condition (for example if symptoms are mostly dystonic) will usually dictate the course of treatment.

 

(Not mine! Taken from http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/76.php)

It’s funny how meds made to help you can actually hurt you more. I was on the geodon since October then all of a sudden the reaction just cropped up. It sucks, I liked that medication. Just not the rave party in my muscles.

Oh well, it’s all a process of trying and failing I guess. Finding what works for you. I wish I didn’t have to use the Zyprexa, but my doc and I agreed I need to be on a anti-psychotic. Rather that then another trip to crazyland.

Peace and Love to everyone 🙂

xxxx

 
 

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Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in Bipolar, mania, Relationships

 

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Dear Princess

To one of the most dearest friends I have had the pleasure (and pain) of knowing.

I’m not sure where exactly everything went south. It wasn’t my attempted suicide, or my manic phases, or your perception that I was flirting with your boyfriend. It wasn’t me becoming a mom so young or trying to change my life overnight. It was somewhere before that, a deep dark place, where the ultimate connection we had was severed. Broken. Something lost. The true love in your eyes disappeared. There was no spark, no more intimate conversations. Yet I tried like hell, tried so hard to get it back. To make you love me. But I don’t think it was enough. Whatever had snapped was broken for good. And we were just living in the fantasy we could continue our friendship as normal.

It’s been months now, since you left me. You caused me the biggest hurt, I never thought I could feel as bad as you made me feel that day. I was in awe of your apathy, your cruelness, your bitterness and anger. I knew these were traits of yours, I just never thought I’d be on the receiving end. Not when I was already so broken down. It felt like you were hammering the nails into my depressive coffin. It broke me.

And yet here I am, another night thinking about you and what went wrong, wishing I could just see you again. To talk to you, yell at you, hit you, hurt you, hug you, love you. Anything. Anything but the cold emptiness you left me with. I don’t think you ever knew how much I truly loved you, and that was my fault. And I will forever regret that, because your loyalty to me, before the shit hit the fan, was outstanding. I should have appreciated you more.

Getting drunk after school like naughty kids. Talking about boys. Whispering in the dark about our dreams until 3am. Holding you as you cried after your brother’s cancer diagnosis. Listening to you. I always listened. I never responded in the way you needed. But I always listened. And these memories cling to me, consume me in the most arbitrary of moments. When I’m on the treadmill at gym, changing my daughter’s nappy, and worst, trying to fall asleep at night. Seeing your face, realizing those memories. Wondering how I could hate and love and miss someone as much as I do you.

But life goes on. You go on. And I’m glad. You have a wonderful man who adores you. And a family that has taken you in as one of their own. You’re hurt and bitter and twisted and angry but you have so much love thrust upon you that I’m hoping it will change. That you will brighten into that girl I first met when we were 14.

I know I will most likely never talk to you again. And it hurts. You haunt me. I don’t know how long this will take. To move on. To get over you. Because I know just how much I fucked up. And I can’t take it back.

But then, I know how much you fucked up. How badly it hurt when you drove that knife right into my chest. When you abandoned me. Yet I try my best to understand your anger and the depths from where it comes.

And I’ve hit the realization that as much as I screwed up, as much as I hurt you, I did not deserve what you did to me. As I slowly begin to forgive myself for the crazy things I did I realize more and more how angry I am at you. And how much I need to forgive you. And that is why you continue to haunt me. Because I know I need to forgive you. So I can finally move on. And be free. And not have thoughts of you keep me up at night.

This letter is bitter and I’m glad you will never read it. That you hate my blog. Because it just fuels my desire to use this place as the means to let out all my feelings and not be judged by the wonderful people I’ve met on here.

I am sorry Princess. But I am even more sorry for you. Cause you lost something good when you threw me away.

But I will still, always, always love you.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2013 in Depression, mania, Relationships

 

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Scarlet O’hara

I’m currently reading Gone with the Wind. I loved the movie. It was beautiful and tragic. I especially enjoy the character of Scarlet O’hara. Terrifyingly, I find myself identifying with her in more than a few ways.

Scarlet likes to bat her eyes and show her dimples and sway her hips, and of course, all the boys fall all over themselves to hold her hand or dance with her or even propose. And she loves it. She gets frustrated when the conversation isn’t centered on her and is bored easily. She doesn’t get on well with other women and prefers the exciting conversation of men, all while judging them secretly in her head. Yet she has a secret wit about her, a cleverness she conceals in wide eyed faked innocence and is able to get out of any kind of trouble with a smile. She tries her best to be a lady, but secretly wants to ride horses and climb trees and will do anything to win over the love of a man she can’t really have.

And that used to be me not so long ago, Manic me – in a way. Though it was pretty ingrained in my personality. I used to think I could get anything I wanted with enough charm. I want something. I go get it. It’s simple.

So I met a guy that I really like. We’ve only been out once and it was lovely and great and I laughed and only had two drinks and held my dignity intact and truly had a great time. We shared a good kiss and I felt a little spark that I haven’t in awhile. It was really nice. And you know what I liked the most about it? I didn’t pull out any Scarlet O’hara moves. At all. I was just simple little ol’ me, Normal. Average. And perfectly okay with it.

This is a good sign. A sign of maturity, I don’t have to be adored to feel worthy. I know I am good and deserve good things. I don’t have to have my self esteem boosted by the attention of somebody anymore. Okay I’m still learning, and I’ll admit I get that urge to seduce and conquer and I fight it off, But honestly, I’m just starting to feel so normal. And that’s great.

Yet how ironic that I’ve found someone I can be normal with, and we both don’t want a relationship. Everything about him screams emotionally unavailable and everything about me, is well, completely unavailable.

It’s kind of unfortunate. Cause he’s nice.

Hope everyone is doing well

xxxx

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2012 in mania, Random, Relationships

 

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A night out

“So you walk into the room…dripping in gold…all eyes on you. Is it warm in here It feels warm in here. Take off jacket. Let the cleavage show. I’ll have a beer thanks. And a tequila shot, let’s get the night going! Dripping in gold…always dripping in gold. Let’s dance, it’s time to dance. Grab just any decent looking man. Shake what yo mamma gave ya. Have another shot. Chase it with a beer cause hey, I’m not driving. Flirt with the guitarist. Flirt with the bartender. A free drink? Thanks! Hug all friends, let them know how much you love them. Oh that’s a sexy boy, let’s go talk to him. Dance some more. Avoid the guys who are now competing for your attention. Find someone else. Kiss him in the parking lot. Take his number, with no intention to call. Call the next day anyway. Go home. Fall into bed. Dripping in gold…thoughts racing, heart pounding, ears ringing from swaying right next to the speakers. Drift into sleep. Awake 3 hours later. Write.”

 

This is how a typical night out would have gone for me when in a slightly manic state. That would have been my actions and thought processes. Weird right?

But then I went out last night. I drank only tab. I covered up a little. I tried my very best not to flirt. Paid for my own drink. Spoke with my friends instead of speaking to them. Danced like I was free, well and truly free…and all by myself. I wasn’t dripping in gold. I was normal. Just simple looking. There were way prettier looking girls there. Smile at a stranger. He smiles back. Nice smile. I spoke to the stranger. With confidence, but not arrogance. I was a normal girl and he was a normal guy. I didn’t do it to get free drinks or attention or a random hook up. He just had a nice smile. Danced some more. Went home sober with nice smile man’s business card. Did not kiss random nice smile man in dodgy parking lot. My ears were still ringing though. And I eventually fell asleep. And I actually slept.

I’m glad the mania is gone. I feel so good. Free. But in all he right ways.

Last night feels like an accomplishment for me. I am satisfied. Did not spend my Sunday regretting my actions.

 

This is good. I am happy.

And maybe I will text nice smile man after all.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2012 in mania

 

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