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Category Archives: Bipolar

Sail – Awolnation

Sail
This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

This is how an angel dies
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

Sail, sail
Sail, sail, sail

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my A-D-D baby

Sail, sail
Sail, sail, sail

La la la la la la, la la la la la la
la la la la la la, la la la la la la

Sail, sail,
Sail, sail,
Sail, sail,
Sail, sail, sail

This song has the coolest beat. Lyrics are depressing,  but kind of relevant.

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Posted by on August 18, 2013 in Bipolar, Music, Random

 

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Breaking Up

…it sucks.
Like mega mega sucks.
I knew me and S were fairly incompatible from the beginning. That didnt stop us from really,  really falling for each other. I have had it bad.

Ah. Whatever. I’m fucking heart broken.

It’s been coming for about 4 weeks now so it’s not a complete shocker. But still.
It is related to my bi polar.  I haven’t been stable therefore my dealings with him have been awful leading to an extremely unstable,  complicated relationship.
It’s not all me. This man has some serious issues in his own way. I loved him regardless. It’s just that I really messed up in a complicated way and now I’ve got to face the consequences.

Okay this post is not making any sense but not a whole lot is making sense in my life right now. Hence my decision to get myself booked into hospital/clinic/rehab/crazy person place this week.  Once I’ve had a chat with my doctor ofcourse.
I could just be being dramatic.

I dont know?

Guess I’m breaking up in more than just one way.

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Motivation and Medication

Motivation…I have none of.

Medication…plenty.

Being on Abilify has so far not done very much for me. Granted it’s only been a few days but still, I want to see results dammit! I still feel kind of depressed and sluggish and swing between despair to excitement within minutes of each other. Really weird. I was hoping by now I would be all better and ready to tackle the world-

however

I have none of that stuff that makes you want to do stuff. You know? I have just written a therapeutic psychology test which I definitely didn’t study hard enough for BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I guess another part is that I don’t feel motivated right now to just want to do it. Like I said in my previous post, this is bad because my degree is just so close. A few months away. All I have to do is work super hard and I can graduate with some really good marks and be well on my way into an honour’s programme. But how can I do this all when all I really want to do is sleep, talk to my on/off boyfriend and drink coffee. I look at my textbooks and just feel…blah…instead of the excitement and hopefulness I used to feel. So maybe it’s a bit of burnout? I have been at this full time non stop studying thing for 3 years now. So surely being a bit tired and unmotivated-ish is unavoidable really?

But then why is everyone else around me doing so well and I’m stuck on a swing.

Back and forth between happy and sad.

Excited and hopeless.

Back and forth between nothing and everything.

 

So how long til that Abilify kicks in?

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2013 in Bipolar, Medication

 

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Back to Blogging

Hi everyone!
I’m back. Took long enough.  Guess I just needed a break. I kept up with all ya’ll blogs now and it’s great to see so many sticking it out and trying their best at being healthy.

That’s what I’ve been doing but not always with success.
My epilepsy is well under control. I am happy about that 🙂

My bipolar is not entirely unstable but not great either. For some stupid reason I went off my zyprexa and experienced my first hypomanic state which is pretty interesting. I could do so much and function so well but then I became so irritable…and angry. I lashed out at everyone and stopped being able to concentrate which is terrible when you’re in you final semester of your final year of your BA degree!

I swung abit towards depression then too…and spent days in bed. Which is extremely unlike me

I knew something was up but didn’t really realize it until things got really bad with my boyfriend. So a few days ago I saw my doc and he has now put me on 5mg of Abilify which has so far made me restless/lethargic/hyperactive.
Weird hey?

So if any of ya’ll have some experience with Abilify please let me know your stories. Cause I’m finding this med incredibly strange right now.

Other than this short blog I dont have much to say. Again.

But my ramblings will come soon.

Take care everyone xxx

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Epilepsy, Medication

 

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Why why why

Why is there such a stigma attached to mental illness?

We are in the year 2013, having experienced great leaps of science, medicine and understanding of the human psyche.

Then why, when it comes up and tell someone you actually live with a mental disorder, do they gave you that look and say “ohhhh.”

I’ve been asked a lot of questions when it comes to my bi-polar. Alot of them have to do with my daughter (eg: is she going to have it when she’s older?) and a lot of it is just general misinformed rubbish. I think it’s cause I’m so young. Because no, mental disorders are for older people, with more life experience and more time to go crazy. I can’t possibly be bipolar…I’m too young…the doctor just probably loves dishing out diagnosis and putting you on a bunch of pills.

I’ve met a lot of judgmental idiots. But I’ve also met a lot of caring, understanding and supportive people – yet usually these are the ones who have a disorder themselves, or have a close family member who does. They read my blog and think it’s good (which I’m so grateful for!) and most importantly…they are educated.

It seems like there is not enough literature in the world to educate people and get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness. It’s a societal thing. Engraved in the minds of many, many people who see mental illness in the media as something completely and utterly tragic and something scary. The media, movies and television display mental illness in the most drastic way possible. We don’t all flip our tops and go on killing sprees or talk to the walls and become obsessed with lovers. No, some of us are just your average joe/jane really just trying to make it through life with something real and hard. We just have an extra bag or load to carry with us. But we are not freaks or weirdo’s or “insane.”

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in Bipolar, Random

 

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Dystonia / Dyskinesia Reactions

I had a dyskinesia reaction to Geodon, which my doctor put me on to help the mania. It was like a rave party in my body. My legs and hands were spasming so bad people around me thought I was having a full blown grand mal seizure. I kept saying ti didn’t feel epilepsy-like. I was still fully conscious and understanding everything around me, I juts couldn’t stop the twitching. It was really weird. So off I went to hospital where I stayed for the night. Then I went home. Then I went back and stayed another night – and that’s when the casualty doctor figured I was having some kind of reaction and gave me a drug to counteract the geodon in my system.

I felt as high as kite after that. I had no clue what was going on around me for a few days. My mom was furious, how can a drug that’s supposed to help you actually CAUSE so much more damage?

So I decided I didn’t want to be on those meds, went back to hospital and stayed for about 2 days, just flushing all the drugs out my system with enough saline solution that I had to pee every hour. I also got a range of tests done, MRI, catscan, another eeg. And, well, I don’t have a brain tumour or anything (yay!) just the epilepsy…the electric pulses in my brain werk nie so lekker nie (afrikaans for my brain is fucked up). I was glad there is nothing hugely neurologically wrong of course. But I was bummed about having to change my psych meds. I’m now back on zyprexa. That little white pill that knocks you out and “makes you eat like a horse” (my doctors words!)

I’ve already gained about 2 kg and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Sigh. I mean it’s not too bad, I’m short, I weighed 51 kg about, I needed to put a bit of extra weight on. BUT I don’t want it to carry on! I’m way to vain for that shit.

Anyway, I found some cool info on dystonia/dyskinesia reactions. Read if interested:

A number of drugs are capable of causing dystonia. In most cases, people develop an acute dystonic reaction resulting after a one-time exposure. Symptoms may include intermittent spasmodic or sustained involuntary contractions of muscles in the face, neck, trunk, pelvis, and extremities. The symptoms are usually transient and may be treated successfully with medications such as Benadryl (diphenhydramine).

Another type of drug-induced dystonia is called tardive dystonia. Tardive dystonia is a form of tardive dyskinesia, which includes involuntary movements that resemble multiple movement disorders. The term tardive means “late” to indicate that the condition occurs some time after drug exposure, and the terms dyskinesia and dystonia describe the types of movements involved. Tardive dyskinesias are neurologic syndromes caused by exposure to certain drugs, namely a class of medications called neuroleptics which are used to treat psychiatric disorders, some gastric conditions, and certain movement disorders. The amount of exposure to such drugs varies greatly among patients. Tardive dystonia and dyskinesias may also develop as a symptom of prolonged treatment with levodopa in some Parkinson’s disease patients.

Drugs belonging to this class of neuroleptics include (trade name listed in parenthesis): Acetohenazine (Tindal), amoxapine (Asendin), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Permitil, Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane, Daxolin), mesoridazine (Serentil), metaclopramide (Reglan), molinndone (Lindone, Moban), perphanzine (Trilafrom, Triavil), piperacetazine (Quide), prochlorperzine (Compazine, Combid), promazine (Sparine), promethazine (Phenergan), thiethylperazine (Torecan), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), triflupromazine (Vesprin), and trimeprazine (Temaril).

Symptoms may develop after weeks or years of drug exposure. Both tardive dystonia and other tardive dyskinesias typically involve (but are not necessarily limited to) the muscles of the face. Symptoms may also include muscle spasms of the neck, trunk, and/or arms.

The movements typical of tardive dystonia are generally slower and more sustained than other dyskinesias, though the presence of a dystonic tremor in opposition to the main dystonia movement may cause a more rapid appearance of movement. Dyskinesias are usually characterized by quick, jerking movements that may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering, and eye blinking. The arms, legs, and trunk may also be involved. Movements of the fingers may appear as though the individual is playing an invisible guitar or piano.

The frequency and pattern of movements may fluctuate. The predominant condition (for example if symptoms are mostly dystonic) will usually dictate the course of treatment.

 

(Not mine! Taken from http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/76.php)

It’s funny how meds made to help you can actually hurt you more. I was on the geodon since October then all of a sudden the reaction just cropped up. It sucks, I liked that medication. Just not the rave party in my muscles.

Oh well, it’s all a process of trying and failing I guess. Finding what works for you. I wish I didn’t have to use the Zyprexa, but my doc and I agreed I need to be on a anti-psychotic. Rather that then another trip to crazyland.

Peace and Love to everyone 🙂

xxxx

 
 

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So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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