Why Are You Sad – You Have Everything, You Have No Reason To Be Depressed.

That’s what a “friend” said to me. She said I had no reason to feel depressed or attempt suicide. She wrote a very scathing letter, putting attempt in ” commas ” and said I should be disgusted with myself, and that I have everything going for me – why should I be depressed?

To say it was hurtful is an understatement. But since then I have looked at it from her position – she has her own issues and problems and was speaking from a place of hurt and anger with her own life. She has also always been jealous of me in some way (I know that sounds egotistic) but I get where she’s coming from. I have since parted ways from her though.

But that’s the point I’m getting at. Why do I feel so depressed?

I have a beautiful daughter and family. I’m a second year psychology student, I get good marks. I have a roof over my head, food and am well taken care of. My parents and family are supportive and I have a wonderful psychiatrist who has helped me through the years.

Does all this mean I should just be happy? That I have no reason to complain, to feel sad? Does it mean I’m an ungrateful whining selfish bitch?

No. I am in pain.

I feel it everyday.

People who say “oh snap out of it you have no reason to be depressed” are the worst people to be around. They don’t understand the all consuming feelings of hopelessness. And when we boil it down to biology, that it is all just a chemical imbalance in the brain – they don’t even understand that either. I have let people’s judgments get to me for far too long. Just because I have what one would perceive to be a good life doesn’t mean I have no justification for feeling what I am feeling.

What I feel is real and there everyday and I struggle with it. I’m the one that has to take countless medicines just to get out of bed in the morning and I’m the one who contemplates life and death almost daily. Does that make me weak and pathetic?

No. It makes me a survivor. It makes me a person trying to beat depression and control bi polar.

It makes me stronger everyday and more able to deal with the stigmas attached to who I am.

Just like someone may have a broken leg or heart problems, I have bi polar depression. It is a disease. It’s not some made up feeling that I use to manipulate people with. No.

So I am sad. I deal with it and try make the best of my life.

You go on and keep your ridiculous judgments to yourself.

 

Found this great story written on this very point – http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/serious.htm

 

Take care of yourselves, and really, F^%& what uneducated and judgmental people say.

 

Some pretty good advice

A few years back I spent some time at Crescent Clinic – a psychiatric hospital here in South Africa. Out of all the things I learned, these few tips were the best.

Ways to deal with anxiety and depression:

1. Go to bed on time

2. Say no to projects that don’t fit into your time schedule or will compromise your mental health

3. Simplify and unclutter your life

4. Take one day at a time

5. Live with in your budget

6. KMS (Keep Mouth Shut) – can prevent an enormous amount of trouble!

7. Get enough exercise

8. Eat right

9. Write things down

10. Listen to music you enjoy (music really saved my life countless times)

11. Find a little time to be alone everyday

12. Make friends with happy, non-stressed people

13. Remember, the shortest bridge between hope and despair is often a good nights sleep (my favourite piece of advice)

14. Laugh

15. Laugh some more

16. Take your work seriously but be kind to yoursel (something I need to learn as I am a very pedantic varsity student)

17. Develop a forgiving attitude (specially to unkind people – they probably need it most)

18. Talk less, listen more

19. Slow down

20. Every night, think of something you are grateful for.

Take care everyone xxx

 

Suicide

They say suicide is the most selfish act a person can commit. It is so final, so destructive, so painful to the people affected. To the people left behind.

I used to think that way. I used to believe that people who committed suicide or attempted it were selfish, ego maniacal idiots with no regard for their loved ones.

 

That was until I tried to kill myself.

 

It’s very different once the tables are turned and you’re the one staring at a cold blade or bottle of pills. You are no longer thinking of your friends or family. All that is on your mind is the pain and anguish or even worse, the complete and total numbness that has consumed your body. All you can think about is how much better off people would be without you. And after not sleeping or eating or being able to think of anything else but your own complete and utter failure as a human being all you want to do is just end it all. Make it stop. And that little voice in your head that has been whispering all day, reminding you how useless and pathetic and ridiculous you are starts to become a screeching voice blasting through a megaphone.

“You are nothing, you never will be, go on. Do it. End it all.”

So you want to. You want to fall into the nothingness. Just to quiet all the emotions; to just sleep, even if it’s for an eternity.

You don’t really think of the repercussions. You don’t think who will find your body or if you will go to heaven or hell. As a Christian we are taught suicide is a sin and you will go to hell. You don’t think of that, not really, you just don’t care. You just want it all to stop.

So try I did. Nothing was really going through my mind other than the idea that I just really, really wanted to die. It was as if someone else had taken control of my body and I was just there, hovering, watching it all.

Fortunately, I was found before I could do more damage and bleed to death and since then I have had to deal with the consequences. The anger from family and friends, their concern, the begging and questions why. I have had to face up to my own humiliation (“sheesh can I not even get this right??”) and lie in bed at night wondering of all the different outcomes and possibilities. Where to from now? Do I now embrace life and count my lucky stars that someone was there to save me?

It is all very confusing. And there is just no simple answer.

What I can say is that I am thankful I did not die. Once you have crossed that line, once you know how easy it is to end it all, you begin to realize how easy it is to live. Okay no, living is not easy, but it’s worth it. It’s worth giving it a shot; to wake up another day to your daughter’s face, to enjoy a cup of coffee and a sunset, to talk to a friend, to go shopping, to play a song on the guitar, to write this blog. You realize truly, how fragile life is and how you have your own life in your hands.

Facing suicide means owning up to the fact that you are in control of your destiny. Life is not random events that make you get out of bed in the morning. No, life is what you make it and how you take it and how you act it.

As I said, I’ve had to deal with the consequences. I’ve lost a dear friend who could not handle what I did, yet I have gained many others who saw past the act to the real me and not the perfect person I tried to project myself as. It has made me realize just how important it is to surround yourself with people who are not going to judge you, but at the same time it has allowed me to understand that other people have a right to experience their feelings. I can’t be angry with someone who loves me for being angry that I tried to take my own life, I have to accept their emotions as just as valid as my own. And the people who kicked me when I was down or turned their back on me, well, they’re the cruel ones who don’t deserve to be in my life, yes, because now my life is brand new.

I survived. By a miracle I survived and every day is a new day to be a brand new, happy, grateful person. And grateful I am.

To those who have suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide. There are no words I can say that will bring comfort. All I can say is don’t blame yourself. Having been there myself, being lost in your own pain leads you to commit this act. No one else is to blame and the person needed to find release and perhaps, they’re happy now. Granted they left behind a truckload of pain, at least they are no longer suffering themselves.

I know that all sounds really weird and those out there who have been on the receiving end probably think I’m spewing selfish justifications but really, it is what it is.

I apologise for this long, depressing post but I needed to get it out there. On the opposite end of the table you get a person who is so deep in misery their only way out is death and I sympathize with them. I go on record saying I sympathize with those feeling suicidal and I no longer judge them as selfish or cruel, but as real people with real emotions.

However, dying is not the way.

You can live, wake up to a new day and be a new person and enjoy life again.

Here are the contact details to suicide crises help lines. Make use of them if you are feeling the urge. It is worth it to live. That first cup of coffee you enjoy after accepting the fact you choose life over death is just wonderful. Stick around to enjoy it.

 

This is the South African Depression and Anxiety Group details:

To contact a counsellor between 8am-8pm Monday to Sunday,
call: (011) 262-6396
For a suicidal Emergency contact 0800 567 567

And I thought I’d also include the contact details of the suicide contact line for the University of Johannesburg, where I am studying:

0800777000 (toll free)

So yeah. That’s my post for now. And I’d like to include s song, not really relating to suicide as such but with some very poignant words.

“Innocent” by Taylor Swift

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been.
You’re still an innocent,
You’re still an innocent.

Did some things you can’t speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you would seen what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You’re still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent.
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent.
You’re still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It’s never too late to get it back.

 

Bi Polar part 2 – what goes up, must come down

Now we move onto what I like to call ‘the darkness’ (dun dun dun!) or opposite end of a manic phase, the part of bi polar where you slip into a deep, dark place with very little light and no way out. Although I write this post with much caution, as I cannot speak for all the people who are experience the depressive states of bi polar I can give a little account of what it is like to be in one, speaking for myself at least.

The mania can only last so long, until eventually your body and mind just give out. The lack of sleep or lack of eating you have been doing suddenly catch up to you and you feel yourself exhausted and that shining golden goddess you saw in the mirror a few days back is now suddenly pale, drawn out and ghost-like.

What happened? It’s a whirlwind of emotions as it finally dawns on you that you have been experiencing a high and have possibly, done some really REALLY stupid stuff. Trying to ignore the overwhelming guilt or feelings of disgust at yourself is just as hard as trying to ignore the darkness that has begun creeping up your spine, very slowly digging its claws into your back and whispering things in your ear.

“You’re worthless.”

“They hate you.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

“What is the point of this all anyway?”

Now I know that sounds a tad crazy, but bear with me here. The depressive side of bi polar is just like that, it creeps up on you and once it has its nails sunk into your already fragile flesh it tumbles it’s pain and hurt down on you like a ton of bricks. And there is just no stopping it.

For anyone who has experienced depression (lived with it or as a bystander) they know just how destructive it can be. Curtains remain closed, the person sees no value in bathing and getting dressed in the morning, they may not eat or just eat too much. They don’t want to talk, they don’t want to listen. No sex, no hugs for loved ones, no happy movies or songs. Anything that was once pleasurable now has no value and the common answer to each question has become “I’m fine.” “No.” or “I don’t feel like it.”

And that’s just it. You don’t feel like it. You don’t feel like anything. The darkness has taken control and you just do not see the point in anything really.

Why bother getting dressed today? It’s not like you have anywhere to be and you look so awful no one would want to see you anyway. Everything that used to be worthwhile now means nothing.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For a bi polar person living with the ups and downs is something that has to be constantly monitored and constantly medicated. Once you realize you’ve been on a high and are crashing (or someone has pointed it out to you) you have to adjust your medication because it’s obviously not working quite right and then you have to see your doctor, work out what is going on bla bla bla…

It sounds awful and stupid doesn’t it? And to a depressed person, it is. I cannot begin to really describe the darkness but I know what it’s like, and I know that once you figure out you are in it, the only way to help yourself is to try climb out. Although it is near impossible to do at once, and you may need the help of loved ones, it is the mere act of trying to climb out of the depression that matters. Trying to eat right. Trying to keep track of your moods. Trying to talk about the things you are feeling. It all adds up in the end.

The simple fact of trying eventually becomes doing and once you are strong enough you can stand back and take a look at it, say ‘I am depressed’, and seek help and comfort in those that matter. And although now I can rant and rave about finding people that matter (because I have had my fair share of experiences with fake friends  who are really not there when you need them) I will rather advise that one turns to family, because they in most cases are with you most of the time and are able to explain to you or your doctor what has been going on as often you do not know how you appear to others in your depressive states. Although not every person may have a good family life, turn to someone whom you know you can trust. Who will not just be your rock but also a guiding force onto the right path. Whether it is whichever God you serve or any friend you trust, find solace in something that you know you can find solace in. (AND THAT IS NOT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL) And although this is unfortunately, a difficult process in itself (as you will come across back stabbers and false promise friends many times) it is still a process worth taking, so you can find out who your safe people are.

Who the people are that matter, that truly matter, that can help you fight off the darkness.

There is no easy answer to depression and everyone experiences it differently, but all I can say for now is try. Try to Try. Even if it is one thing at a time, like having a shower and getting dressed for the day. That is one step you have taken on the path to getting better.

And at this time in your life, in a depressive state, baby steps and trying to try is the best way forward.

And here, a song by Van Morrison, summing up the depression thing pretty well 🙂

I highlighted some lyrics I thought were really great.

Keep well everyone xxx

Underlying Depression

Underlying depression, have to crawl into my room
Underlying depression don’t want to know about the moon in June
Outside there’s a cavalcade of clowns but they`re bringing me down
With underlying depression

Underlying depression and it’s starting in my backyard
Underlying depression, and these times ain’t even so hard
Lord I was born with the blues and my blue suede shoes
And underlying depression

Underlying depression and there’s just nowhere to turn
Underlying depression and things just seem to turn in on one
Sometimes I’m stuck in the corner just like little jack horner
With underlying depression

Underlying depression and I just can’t get it right
Underlying depression I’ve got to fight it with all of my might
Right now I don’t want to be alone
Get my baby on the telephone
Underlying depression

Have to make some concessions when everything is working right
Have to count my blessings, helps me make it through the night
I’ve got love in my life as well as trouble and strife
And underlying depression

Underlying depression, underlying depression, underlying depression
Ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression, ain’t nothing but the blues
Underlying depression

 

Judgment

From friends, family and strangers. It’s hard not to be criticized when you have a mental illness, even with things out of your control.

“If you just walked away, what could I really say, and would it matter anyway. It wouldn’t change how you feel…”

That’s ‘everything changes’ one of my most favourite songs by Staind and pretty relevant to my next blog post. I will post part 2 of the bi polar story but right now I want to draw attention to something that will ring true with a lot of manic depressives out there. Judgement. Blame. Contempt. Resentment. Anger. Guilt. Unforgiveness. And it’s not even coming from ourselves…

It’s the judgement from other people that we feel the most. As if a bi-polar person isn’t living with enough self loathing they still need to contend with the judgement of others who are either a) ignorant or b) been hurt by the bi polar person that they have a lot of resentment resulting in constant judgement.

So judgement from strangers who don’t really understand is one thing. If they don’t get the biology behind bi polar disorder they don’t get the emotional and mental implications. Living with bi polar means a constant struggle with yourself, a lot of “should I do this?” “should I say this?” and a WHOLE lot of self hate and guilt. Guilt at feeling like a burden on your family and friends and feelings of guilt at what you may have done while manic or depressed. And if you’re taking medication you literally have a reminder EVERYDAY that there is something so wrong with you. So already having all these feelings, and then having to deal with somebody judging you, somebody who doesn’t know you at all – it’s one of the worst things that can happen.

As if we aren’t already aware of our flaws we have strangers or acquaintances labeling us ‘sluts’ (man and woman); ‘attention seeker’; ‘lost cause’; ‘bitch’; ‘bastard’ and my personal favourite: ‘drama queen’.

Drama queen. I wish it were that simple. But I suppose one could forgive a stranger for their words or attitudes because they are just that; strangers. They don’t know you, or your personality or what it is you’re going through. They don’t know how you try or your day to day struggles, so why should their labels matter?

It shouldn’t. At all. Because at the end of the day we are the ones living with the disorder, waking up every day to a new struggle and often a new joy. People are always going to judge. Especially when it comes to mental disorders because it is not really tangible. It’s easier to label or judge someone than it is to accept their problems and acknowledge it

And now for the really sore point – friends. We all know that when friends judge us it hurts and we feel betrayed. But if you take a look at it from their perspective :

They see a never ending tirade of drama, of ups and downs and twists and turns. They see you dance and flirt all night and then spend all week in your bedroom with the curtains closed. You may cause hurt to them by flirting with a girlfriend or saying something before thinking. They just simply grow tired of all the ups and downs and trying to be there for you until all they see is a self obsessed self destructive manic depressive with no way out.

From your perspective. You are living the ups and downs. You are feeling the anguish and pain and joy and no one can understand what it’s like in your head for just one day. You can see the hurt you cause once the self obsessed mania has died away but you don’t know to fix it because they either don’t believe you or they just don’t want to care anymore. It’s an intensely lonely struggle and you can never really explain it. Judgment from family and friends is the worst kind. It renders you into this anxious teary eyed pathetic heap because you look to them for strength, and once they look away, you crumble.

Strangers judge you no matter what you do. Friends will judge you too and although they say they are there for you they will never truly understand because simply put, they are not in your head. They don’t know or feel the swirling mass of emotion. And we can’t exactly fault them on that because they are just human, and they have their own issues too.

Bi polar can be the cause of strangers becoming friends and friends becoming strangers. In our journey we do hurt the ones we love, just as much as we hurt within ourselves. And yet, the important point here is to understand you will come across much judgment in your life due to your illness, some will understand and others will most certainly not. And they will say things that will hurt your feelings and they will kick you when you’re down because to them you are just being dramatic or causing problems. They don’t get it. It’s not their fault, but they don’t get it.

And this is where you need to find your own personal strength. This is where you need to fully grasp the idea of not caring about what people think of you and knowing within yourself that as long as you are trying to do what is right then other people don’t matter. Unfortunately there will always be a stigma attached to mental illness, particularly bi polar because it is just so complicated. But you do not need to live with friends who are going to make you feel worse than you already do.

Ignore the strangers who put you down and ignore the friends who do the same. Because they will never understand unless they live it themselves. Become your own best friend, because you will never really be able to leave yourself (as much as you try!)

Back to the Staind song:

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it’s real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it’s just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn’t change how you feel

I think it fits in so well, the moments of disarray, the things we say that we don’t mean, how everything changes. Always. You know they say the only constant thing is change.

Strangers, friends, family, the best ones will stay. They will see it through with you and in the end of the day you will conquer the world, as your own best friend and with the help of the people who matter.

But okay! I’m done with my word vomit now. I just hope who ever reads this understands that they’re not alone in suffering the judgment from others and for those that who judge without thinking – well, why don’t we save that for only God to do?

 

Bi Polar part 1 – The Happy Side

Ah. Good ol’ fashioned mania. It’s hard to describe if you haven’t been there yourself, but let me give it a go.

Imagine waking up one day and suddenly realizing you are one of the smartest people you know – everything is brighter, clearer, you look in the mirror and you see this gorgeous shining being. You put on your best (sluttiest) outfit and saunter around because yes, you own the world now. Imagine feeling capable of doing anything, being anyone, saying anything you want. Imagine having all these great, creative ideas and starting these new projects that you’re sure are going to be so damn successful that everyone is going to love you even more than they do right now – because after all, look at all those looks they’re giving you. All the guys stare (or girls if you’re a male). They are enthralled by you, you’re sure of it. And this feeds your growing sense of self importance until you’re so sure of yourself you’re dancing from the moment you wake up and charming anyone who gives you a second look.

Imagine having all these thoughts, fast, important, you can do it all, be it all. You can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. You’re actually so pleased with life now that you don’t need to sleep or eat, no, because that is for the weak minded. And you can have as many relationships as you want (sexual or otherwise) because the whole world loves you. And you can drink more than the normal person, because now life is a party. It is all so wonderful. Everyday is an adventure. You can drive faster – you’re in control and the cops would never pull you over, and if they do – psshht, you can talk your way out of it. Imagine reading an entire book in a day. (Well, this applies if one is capable of such things – I’ve met a bi polar lady who could read two James Patterson novels in a day, yet a week later she can’t remember a single scene).

Imagine the wonderful feeling of blowing a months worth of savings on clothes just because you can. Buying some cute boy or girl a fancy dinner on an already maxed out credit card. Going gambling with your rent money because there is no possible way you could lose, not now when everything feels so good.

Imagine sleeping with 3 different people a week, why? Because you can. Because it feels good and you want to. What about finishing a bottle of Jack from 10 in the morning while working on your next painted masterpiece? Imagine composing 250 scores of music in just 8 months? Imagine being so happy that you’re so distracted blaring Lady Gaga in your car, smoking a cigarette, and just happy because nothing bad can happen to you, that you don’t see the 4 year old child you hit with your car. And then you drive away because there is no chance that the child could be injured. No chance, because life is just so great, you’re great. You’re perfect.

These are just some of the experiences I have heard over time, some of my own, some of people on the internet, some from friends. The mania, or “happy times” as I like to call it, manifest very subtly yet grow so quickly that before you know it you’re making sex tapes and snorting lines off a bar stool with a guy you’ve known for 3 hours.

But you don’t care. Because you love you and the world loves you and everything is just one huge party.

Manic phases, in my experience, are the most destructive as they always culminate in some horrible incident where you hurt the people you love or yourself because of your complete lack of consideration for other’s feelings. You feel so perfect that you think everyone else is the problem. Whether it is flirting with a bunch of guys at a party until their girlfriend kicks you out or having a break down in the middle of Spar because they DON’T HAVE THE WINE YOU WANT AND YOU’RE HAVING A PARTY OH MY GOD WHERE IS THE WINE. (Did I mention while manic the voice in your head is always on caps lock)?

Biologically, the hormones in your body and mind have become out of synch, the pleasure receptors are in overdrive and you want more and more because you want to feel good. Your own brain is betraying you, chemically. But that is just our brain, it is not us. We are not the bi polar, we live with bi polar.

Physically, your lack of sleeping and eating is starting to catch up to you so you medicate to counter the effects, thinking you’re maybe just getting a cold or feeling tired because you shopped the whole day but in reality, your body is screaming at you to give it some rest.

But you don’t, you go to the next party, hook up with next boy or girl, and you spin around and around in your circle of perfection, unaware that very soon, the ground is going to fall out beneath you.

I could get into the science now, but I’m sure many of you readers don’t care which chemicals do what, this post was more about showing how it feels, to help one understand just what mania entails. It sounds kinda great, no? But as I said, it all grows so high and you end up doing damage to the ones you love.

Mania – The Happy Times. But only for so long.

Part 2 to follow.

Keep safe friends 🙂

xxxx

p.s – here’s a song by the Rolling Stones I thought fit this post quite well. Tell me what you think.

“19th Nervous Breakdown”

You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried you just can’t hide your eyes are edged with tearsYou better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown

When you were a child you were a treated kind
Byt you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making ceiling wax

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Oh, who’s to blame, that girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse. Oh, please

You were still in school when you had that fool who really messed your mind
And after that you turned your back on treating people kind
On our first trip I tried so hard to rearrange your mind
But after awhile I realized you were disarranging mine

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Oh, who’s to blame, that girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse. Oh, please

When you were a child you were treated kind
But you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And you father’s still perfecting ways of making sealing wax

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown