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Monthly Archives: March 2013

Inspirationless

Don’t really have much to blog about. Feeling very quiet. But I guess that’s okay.

Oh. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love. That’s something to mention.

It’s nice 🙂

 

Hope everyone is keeping well, following all your blogs though I don’t comment much. You are all so interesting. xx

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Feeling Okay

Things with S are going so well. Things are going well in general actually.

We’ve been spending time together, not too much, like 3 times a week. And when we are together it’s magical and wonderful and special, we can be really cuddling and kissing (which is strange because often I don’t really like being cuddled at all – but with him – very different) and we can go straight from that into a debate about history or politics or the latest affairs. I can really talk to this guy. About anything. I slept over at his place and we sat up until 3 in the morning. Just talking. It was great.

And he’s been reading up on bi polar and the signs and symptoms and what it means. He said he wants to understand and know what to look out for and be aware of everything. I told him I would always communicate about how I’m feeling and tell him what’s going on but he seems to really want to understand it properly so he can know for himself. I think he’s terrified of what I could do if I had another manic spell – go crazy, cheat on him, try kill myself again. I don’t know, he seems just as scared as me that something is going to go wrong. But I’ve decided that we can’t live in fear. I need to be proactive and ensure I don’t have such a bad episode again. Everything will be alright.

I haven’t been sleeping so great – but that’s nothing bi polary that’s just my general insomnia. I’m scared to take sleeping pills just in case my daughter needs me in the night and I’m too out of it to help her or get up to comfort her when she wakes up searching for her dummy. I guess we’ll see how it goes. When I’ve had a really bad night I try take a small nap in the day. That probably doesn’t help the night time sleep stuff but at least I don’t feel like such a zombie.

I’m grateful for my medication, my doctor and this wonderful man whose come into my life who is accepting of my past, present, my child and me. And still wants a future with me.

I just wanted to say that. 🙂

Hope everyone is well xxx

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Random, Relationships

 

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Oh hi there TLE!

TLE – Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. Kind of a bummer.

I’ve had it nicely under control for a little while. I’ve been on a high dose of anti epileptic medicine called lamictin. 400 mg actually and it’s been kept well under control. But I’ve had quite the awful tummy bug for 2 days now – literally hugging the toilet bowl for most of the day. And it’s hard then to keep the very important medication in and then I feel it…my brain starts getting twitchy. Get a little headache right in my temple and feel fuzzy all over. I haven’t had a seizure yet – and by seizure I mean full on fainting spell 1800’s lady style. Very dramatic. At least I don’t pee myself. That would suck.

I’ve taken extra meds and been speaking to my doctor whose helped me get the nausea under control so I’m feeling a bit better now. I work for a GP and told her how I was feeling and she very kindly actually phoned my psychiatrist to find out what to do for me. I thought that was sweet. You don’t often find doctor’s that care that much. It’s not just cause she’s my boss, I’ve seen her do it with a few patients. But anyway he said I must just try take my meds and take it easy. I’ve contemplated taking zyprexa as it dissolves right away. However it’s an anti-psychotic mood stabiliser rather than an anti epileptic. But it does relax me and help me sleep for a good while. I dunno, we’ll see if I get better after a good cup of black tea and a nap. So far I’ve managed to hold in some liquids.

S, the new boyfriend, is coming over tonight and we’re going to just chill and watch a movie. I’ll admit I feel a little wary, I don’t want to appear some sickly gross girl and put him off. He has said he wants to come and help me feel better, which I think is so kind and sweet. But like I said it’s the beginning stages and I want him to think I’m this wonderful creature who doesn’t poop or fart or burp or vomit up the macaroni and cheese she had for lunch 😀

Anyway, I suppose it’s a good test to see how things will turn out. If he accepts me in all my sickly glory and still gives me one of those sweet kisses on the forehead while stroking my cheek I definitely think he’s a keeper…as if I didn’t already!

I’ve skipped out on quite a few lectures this week so far, due to being sick. I’ve got 2 tests next week (big ones) and I must just not myself get too stressed. That’s when the epilepsy really comes up and cripples me entirely.

I found this video and transcript about the “funny feelings” you get with TLE. I get them all the time, a twitchiness, feeling fuzzy, anxious, uncomfortable and tons of feelings of deja vu.

Here’s the link: http://www.howcast.com/videos/502012-Temporal-Lobe-Epilepsy-Epilepsy-and-Seizure-Disorders

But yeah, otherwise, I guess I’m okay 🙂

Hope everyone is well.

Have a great day ya’ll.

xxx

 

 

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Living in fear

I need to blog more. I get a truck load of thoughts building up and then when it comes to writing them down I look at a blank screen and nothing flies from my fingertips like I thought it would. I don’t know, maybe I’m just busy. Life is busy right now. I’m still seeing this guy who makes me really happy. Besides the occasional down day when I let my doubts and feelings of self hatred grab hold and I end up acting like a complete idiot and feeling over sensitive to every word he says, besides for that, I’m pretty happy with him. He’s normal. In the good way. I like it.

It’s been quite a long while since I’ve liked a guy this much. I find myself thinking of him when I’m doing the most arbitrary things. Looking forward to a text from him. Getting butterflies on the way to meeting up with him. Practically fainting when he kisses me in that way where he touches my cheek and gives me this little smile. My gosh, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale movie.

So when is the evil dark lord bi polar and sickening fiend epilepsy going to rush into the scene and just RUIN everything? I realize that’s pretty unhealthy, like I’m just waiting for these things to crop up and cause damage instead of taking the steps to ensure it doesn’t happen. I mean I am, I’m taking my meds and seeing my doc and I’ve been honest with him about everything. Yesterday I got heart palpitations (a side effect of my medicine) and he just stared at me with this look of complete and utter concern (and a bit of fear) and stared for a while. It was so awkward, I didn’t know how to react. I felt weird for saying anything. It’s the beginning stages of everything and I still want him to think I’m this perfect girl though that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not perfect and I got a bunch of baggage and these things that do go wrong. And often.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so negative. Maybe I’m just really scared. Scared of being rejected again because of my illness. Scared of being hurt like that again.

It’s not nice living in fear like this. It will stop what I have with him possibly developing into something real and beautiful.

So I’m just going to try. Push these thoughts out of my mind, look after myself, build a good foundation with him and try keep things light hearted and lovey-dovey/mushy for now – just how things should be in the beginning.

Ah.

I’m still terrified.

 

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Bipolar, Random

 

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