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Category Archives: Relationships

Breaking Up

…it sucks.
Like mega mega sucks.
I knew me and S were fairly incompatible from the beginning. That didnt stop us from really,  really falling for each other. I have had it bad.

Ah. Whatever. I’m fucking heart broken.

It’s been coming for about 4 weeks now so it’s not a complete shocker. But still.
It is related to my bi polar.  I haven’t been stable therefore my dealings with him have been awful leading to an extremely unstable,  complicated relationship.
It’s not all me. This man has some serious issues in his own way. I loved him regardless. It’s just that I really messed up in a complicated way and now I’ve got to face the consequences.

Okay this post is not making any sense but not a whole lot is making sense in my life right now. Hence my decision to get myself booked into hospital/clinic/rehab/crazy person place this week.  Once I’ve had a chat with my doctor ofcourse.
I could just be being dramatic.

I dont know?

Guess I’m breaking up in more than just one way.

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Posted by on August 17, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Cup of Coffee

Every morning I sit and enjoy a nice strong cup of coffee and I sit and read through all the blogs that I follow. Though I don’t comment much I do enjoy all of your writing. You are all such interesting people! I often use this time to think and reflect a bit. I listen to some music and just sit and just be me. Lately I’ve been thinking of how far I’ve come since my world crumbled down last October. Oh, that dreadful few weeks where I just lost control completely. When I lost me completely.

And now look. I have never been so happy in my relationships with my family. I have this beautiful and wonderful man in my life. I am so excited about my future, I’m almost done with the first semester of my last year. I will have a BA degree in Psychology soon. Just on my way to getting my qualifications that are needed for me to call myself a Psychologist. I plan to branch off into the forensic field. I’ve already got my eye set on the place I want to work – IPS  and their forensic and investigative psychology unit.

Saturday night I went and saw Metallica live in concert with 3 of my brothers and S. It was amazing! We don’t often get such big acts here in South Africa, but when we do, it is awesome 🙂

I’ve also started saving for a trip I want to take at the end of the year with my boyfriend. Maybe to Thailand. Considering I have a small part time job and a student budget it”s going to be a bit tricky. I have this savings account that my grandmother set up for me to use to complete my studies. For the past 3 years I have gotten bursaries for getting my distinctions for different subjects. I’m going to use the money I have saved from these bursaries to contribute to my trip as a little graduation present. All that studying has BEEN SO WORTH IT!

Well I don’t have much to say really.

OH, I had a brief stay in hospital. But I’ll blog about that later when I have more time. It’s an interesting story.

But now I’m going to drink my coffee and carry on reading all your blogs 🙂

 

xxx

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2013 in Random, Relationships

 

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So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Inspirationless

Don’t really have much to blog about. Feeling very quiet. But I guess that’s okay.

Oh. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love. That’s something to mention.

It’s nice 🙂

 

Hope everyone is keeping well, following all your blogs though I don’t comment much. You are all so interesting. xx

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Feeling Okay

Things with S are going so well. Things are going well in general actually.

We’ve been spending time together, not too much, like 3 times a week. And when we are together it’s magical and wonderful and special, we can be really cuddling and kissing (which is strange because often I don’t really like being cuddled at all – but with him – very different) and we can go straight from that into a debate about history or politics or the latest affairs. I can really talk to this guy. About anything. I slept over at his place and we sat up until 3 in the morning. Just talking. It was great.

And he’s been reading up on bi polar and the signs and symptoms and what it means. He said he wants to understand and know what to look out for and be aware of everything. I told him I would always communicate about how I’m feeling and tell him what’s going on but he seems to really want to understand it properly so he can know for himself. I think he’s terrified of what I could do if I had another manic spell – go crazy, cheat on him, try kill myself again. I don’t know, he seems just as scared as me that something is going to go wrong. But I’ve decided that we can’t live in fear. I need to be proactive and ensure I don’t have such a bad episode again. Everything will be alright.

I haven’t been sleeping so great – but that’s nothing bi polary that’s just my general insomnia. I’m scared to take sleeping pills just in case my daughter needs me in the night and I’m too out of it to help her or get up to comfort her when she wakes up searching for her dummy. I guess we’ll see how it goes. When I’ve had a really bad night I try take a small nap in the day. That probably doesn’t help the night time sleep stuff but at least I don’t feel like such a zombie.

I’m grateful for my medication, my doctor and this wonderful man whose come into my life who is accepting of my past, present, my child and me. And still wants a future with me.

I just wanted to say that. 🙂

Hope everyone is well xxx

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Random, Relationships

 

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Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in Bipolar, mania, Relationships

 

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First Date

I went on a date with a very nice boy last night. It was completely and entirely amazing. I’ll be seeing him again.

Please me, don’t fuck this up!

I’m feeling more me and me everyday. I want to be normal and date a normal boy and just be happy. so yeah,

fuck you bi-polar. Watch me kick your ass.

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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