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Sail – Awolnation

Sail
This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

This is how an angel dies
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

Sail, sail
Sail, sail, sail

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my A-D-D baby

Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my A-D-D baby

Sail, sail
Sail, sail, sail

La la la la la la, la la la la la la
la la la la la la, la la la la la la

Sail, sail,
Sail, sail,
Sail, sail,
Sail, sail, sail

This song has the coolest beat. Lyrics are depressing,  but kind of relevant.

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2013 in Bipolar, Music, Random

 

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Over You

“Over You” – Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

 

…oh how I wish that last bit was actually true…

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Depression, Music, Random

 

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So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Suicide (READ ME!)

Suicide – Bobby Gaylor

 

Animals don’t have a choice.
If they’re not happy with their place in the world… too bad.
They have to live the life they’ve been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don’t have to.
We have a choice.
If you don’t like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That’s right.
You don’t like the way your life’s going,
you don’t like the way you are in the world,
anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren’t allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There’d be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras… if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, “What the FUCK!”
Black & white in a green & brown world… this blows.
I’m just gonna jump in the river….
I don’t have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
or even open a jar of pills.
I’m just gonna dive into the next lion’s mouth.
Why even bother?”
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there’s a bunch of people that say,
“Oh, it’s against the law”.
Well, it’s only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, “Oh, we should save them”.
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn’t that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it’s not all bad.
Now, I’m not saying “Kill yourself”.
But if you’re gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
it’s no sweat off of my back.
There’s a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open…
An apartment will become available…
There’ll be more air for me…
They say there’s two girls for every guy – if you’re a man, there’ll be four chicks for me…
There’ll be more Ketel One vodka for me…
There’ll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out…
I won’t ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
and have the clerk point at you and say, “They bought the last bag”….
You won’t help change the McDonald’s sign to a Hundred Billion Served…
You’ll never get AIDS…
You won’t have to worry about calories ever…
No more, “Hey, does this make me look fat?”…
There’ll be one less polluting human…
You won’t have to recycle… There’ll be one less car on the road…
There’ll be more Ring Dings for me…
Fifty or so chickens’ lives will be spared…
Your fingers won’t ever get red from eating pistachios…
You won’t be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore…
No more church…
You’ll be saying, “Hey, World – Kiss My Ass!”…
No more wet dreams about Supermodels…
No more Barry Manilow… Not for a few years anyway…
Wondering “Am I a loser?” will be a thing of the past…
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles…
You won’t have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion…
F*#K flossing and brushing…
You’ll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare…
Adios, Acne…
Worrying whether you fit in or not won’t be on your brain…
See ya later, homework…
You’ll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park…
School’s out forever….
No more paying bills…
You won’t have to do chores…

You won’t be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though…
You’ll also miss McDonald’s French Fries…
Bugs Bunny…
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time…
You won’t be able to watch the letterbox director’s cut of Jaws…
Candy…
Living above ground…
Pudding crust…
You’ll miss the rush of getting your first apartment…
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to
“F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did”…
You’ll miss sex – you’ll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners…
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever… Roller coasters….
Naming your kid the name you always wanted…
Making a difference in the world…
You’ll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics…
Watching your neighbor’s wife change clothes with her blinds open…
A lifetime of masturbating…
Watching your favorite team sweep the series…
Music, you will definitely miss music…
Trying to sneak into your house drunk – three hours past your curfew…
You’ll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks…
The taste of Captain Crunch…
If you’re a boy, you’ll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl’s shirt…
If you’re a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy’s pants…
You’ll miss your favorite coat…
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries…
Beating your friends at video games…
You won’t be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be…
You’ll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love – thirty years after the fact…
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas…
Skinny dipping…
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin…
Flying cars…

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2013 in Music, Random

 

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Broken Wings

This is kind of where I am right now

Broken Wings by Alter Bridge – great song.

Fight the fight alone

When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who’s to say
We won’t end up alone

On broken wings I’m falling
And it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I’m bleeding
And it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who’s to say
We won’t survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I’ll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all I’ll be

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2013 in Music, Random

 

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Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset – Young People with Mental Illness

A friend of mine at Varsity referred this song to me by Modest Mouse a while back, it’s pretty cool. Here are the lyrics:

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I’m not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it’s myself
And I’m trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I’ve change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon
I’ve changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

I especially love the last two lines. Really hits home.

So I wanted to write an informative piece on young people and mental illness. A lot of the blogs I follow are people older than me, more experienced than me. Having gone through years of struggles and joys with a mental illness you all have so much wisdom to share. And here I am, roughly 4 years into my bipolar and epilepsy diagnosis and I still have nothing of value to share really.

So I wanted to write from a young person’s perspective. In most cases, mental illnesses such as bipolar manifest themselves later in life, usually during a person’s early to late 20’s. It’s just one of those things – it’s when your brain is more developed and you’re emotionally more mature, a mental illness pops up with more dramatic force because even if you were living with it in your child or teenage hood it was usually boiled down to “childish tantrums” or “teenage mood wings.”

But anyway, here I am. I was 16 when diagnosed, and my word what a journey it has been. I always felt completely and utterly fucked up in comparison to my friends. (But often I’ve heard friends say how messed up they feel in comparison to me – just a weird young person thing I guess.) But it was so hard to get people to take me seriously. Confiding in someone would often go like this:

“So yeah, I’m bipolar. I have to take these meds and stuff.”:

“Bipolar? But isn’t that, like, an old person’s problem? Maybe you’re just pmsing.”

Aaaaaand cue the mental image of me punching this person in the face repeatedly.

Am I alone in thinking that a lot of people think bi polar and other illnesses are left for older people and that when you’re young there should be absolutely nothing wrong with you. That you’re imagining it or immature or a drama queen or that your doctor was just mistaken. Cause I’ve ran into that a lot. I had a stay in a mental institute and everyone there was older than me. There were a few younger people in their early 20’s and they were serial smokers and drinkers and not focused on their health at all…they just wanted to get out. So I felt really alone and second guesses myself and my wonderful doctor too.

But anyway, I’m waffling now.

I’ve done some research and calmed my mind a little. Bi polar effects people of ALL ages, not just “adults with fully developed brains”. I watched a documentary about kids, little kids, being diagnosed with bipolar with manic phases manifesting in extreme bouts of anger or violence. They have sleeping and eating and self esteem problems and often other issues such as epilepsy, asbergers and slight mental disabilities. But they also have a mental illness and have to deal with it as much as we have to. They just face more ridicule and play ground teasing and even bullying by other moms and dads because they are just so different.

I am going to do more research and write about it again, but yeah, bipolar and such can effect ANYONE. Of ANY age. It doesn’t discriminate.

Do any of you out there have any opinions on age and mental illness? How old were you when diagnosed.

Glad some of you are doing so well. Take care xxx

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2013 in Bipolar, Music

 

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New Year’s song for my heart

t+I have this sort of tradition. Foe every new year that passes I choose a song that I think represents where I am and where I’m going and what I want to do and be in the year to come.

So my song for 2013 is Here I go again by Whitesnake. It was either that or Times are a’changing by Dylan. But I like to have upbeat happy songs for my yearly choice. I like to listen to it when I’m feeling particularly down and it gives me some sort of a renewed hope.

I love music.

No, I don’t know where I’m going 
But, I sure know where I’ve been 
Hanging on the promises 
In songs of yesterday 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 
Here I go again 
Here I go again 

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer, 
I never seem to find what I’m looking for 
Oh Lord, I pray 
You give me strength to carry on, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

I’m just another heart in need of rescue, 
Waiting on love’s sweet charity 
An’ I’m gonna hold on 
For the rest of my days, 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

But, here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go again, 
Here I go 

‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
An’ I’ve made up my mind, 
I ain’t wasting no more time 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
‘Cos I know what it means 
To walk along the lonely street of dreams 

An’ here I go again on my own 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known, 
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone 
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,

So yeah, that sort of is how I feel about this coming year. I’m lonely. There! Ha! I admitted it. I’ve lost a lot of friends and turned down a lot of love and that has made me feel lonely. I’ve been denying the fact I want somebody but I guess I do. The thing is it’s loneliness driving this immediate desire to get into a relationship and that is so, so bad. So hence the song, I’m going at it alone. And God knows I’ve been through a lot of pain this past year and I’m going into 2013 with no illusions, that pain and loneliness will come with me – I’m still working on fixing it. But I’m going to do it on my own, if I happen to fall in love and make some good new friends then great, but I’m perfectly okay with having to walk this journey on my own, ok, I’m relatively okay with it. I’ve found out what it means to feel truly alone and you know what, it’s not so bad. I’m ok. And I’m gonna get better.

 

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2013 in Depression, Relationships

 

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