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Breaking Up

…it sucks.
Like mega mega sucks.
I knew me and S were fairly incompatible from the beginning. That didnt stop us from really,  really falling for each other. I have had it bad.

Ah. Whatever. I’m fucking heart broken.

It’s been coming for about 4 weeks now so it’s not a complete shocker. But still.
It is related to my bi polar.  I haven’t been stable therefore my dealings with him have been awful leading to an extremely unstable,  complicated relationship.
It’s not all me. This man has some serious issues in his own way. I loved him regardless. It’s just that I really messed up in a complicated way and now I’ve got to face the consequences.

Okay this post is not making any sense but not a whole lot is making sense in my life right now. Hence my decision to get myself booked into hospital/clinic/rehab/crazy person place this week.  Once I’ve had a chat with my doctor ofcourse.
I could just be being dramatic.

I dont know?

Guess I’m breaking up in more than just one way.

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Inspirationless

Don’t really have much to blog about. Feeling very quiet. But I guess that’s okay.

Oh. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love. That’s something to mention.

It’s nice 🙂

 

Hope everyone is keeping well, following all your blogs though I don’t comment much. You are all so interesting. xx

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Feeling Okay

Things with S are going so well. Things are going well in general actually.

We’ve been spending time together, not too much, like 3 times a week. And when we are together it’s magical and wonderful and special, we can be really cuddling and kissing (which is strange because often I don’t really like being cuddled at all – but with him – very different) and we can go straight from that into a debate about history or politics or the latest affairs. I can really talk to this guy. About anything. I slept over at his place and we sat up until 3 in the morning. Just talking. It was great.

And he’s been reading up on bi polar and the signs and symptoms and what it means. He said he wants to understand and know what to look out for and be aware of everything. I told him I would always communicate about how I’m feeling and tell him what’s going on but he seems to really want to understand it properly so he can know for himself. I think he’s terrified of what I could do if I had another manic spell – go crazy, cheat on him, try kill myself again. I don’t know, he seems just as scared as me that something is going to go wrong. But I’ve decided that we can’t live in fear. I need to be proactive and ensure I don’t have such a bad episode again. Everything will be alright.

I haven’t been sleeping so great – but that’s nothing bi polary that’s just my general insomnia. I’m scared to take sleeping pills just in case my daughter needs me in the night and I’m too out of it to help her or get up to comfort her when she wakes up searching for her dummy. I guess we’ll see how it goes. When I’ve had a really bad night I try take a small nap in the day. That probably doesn’t help the night time sleep stuff but at least I don’t feel like such a zombie.

I’m grateful for my medication, my doctor and this wonderful man whose come into my life who is accepting of my past, present, my child and me. And still wants a future with me.

I just wanted to say that. 🙂

Hope everyone is well xxx

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Random, Relationships

 

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Living in fear

I need to blog more. I get a truck load of thoughts building up and then when it comes to writing them down I look at a blank screen and nothing flies from my fingertips like I thought it would. I don’t know, maybe I’m just busy. Life is busy right now. I’m still seeing this guy who makes me really happy. Besides the occasional down day when I let my doubts and feelings of self hatred grab hold and I end up acting like a complete idiot and feeling over sensitive to every word he says, besides for that, I’m pretty happy with him. He’s normal. In the good way. I like it.

It’s been quite a long while since I’ve liked a guy this much. I find myself thinking of him when I’m doing the most arbitrary things. Looking forward to a text from him. Getting butterflies on the way to meeting up with him. Practically fainting when he kisses me in that way where he touches my cheek and gives me this little smile. My gosh, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale movie.

So when is the evil dark lord bi polar and sickening fiend epilepsy going to rush into the scene and just RUIN everything? I realize that’s pretty unhealthy, like I’m just waiting for these things to crop up and cause damage instead of taking the steps to ensure it doesn’t happen. I mean I am, I’m taking my meds and seeing my doc and I’ve been honest with him about everything. Yesterday I got heart palpitations (a side effect of my medicine) and he just stared at me with this look of complete and utter concern (and a bit of fear) and stared for a while. It was so awkward, I didn’t know how to react. I felt weird for saying anything. It’s the beginning stages of everything and I still want him to think I’m this perfect girl though that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not perfect and I got a bunch of baggage and these things that do go wrong. And often.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so negative. Maybe I’m just really scared. Scared of being rejected again because of my illness. Scared of being hurt like that again.

It’s not nice living in fear like this. It will stop what I have with him possibly developing into something real and beautiful.

So I’m just going to try. Push these thoughts out of my mind, look after myself, build a good foundation with him and try keep things light hearted and lovey-dovey/mushy for now – just how things should be in the beginning.

Ah.

I’m still terrified.

 

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Bipolar, Random

 

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Stable

This is the most stable I have felt in months. Things are going great with my medication. Besides the occasional down day (Life’s little struggles) I feel really good and the mania is far at bay.

Really getting into things as a third year student at Varsity. It’s hard and there is a lot of work but I know it will all be worth it. My relationships with my family and friends are doing wonderfully. I have a little part time job that I’m enjoying. I’m feeling…stable.

There is this guy I’ve been out with a few times and I really like him. It’s ridiculous how much I like him. And I met him online! How crazy. But anyway he’s pretty much what I’ve been searching for, for a long, long time. I know it’s weird to say that after just a month but everything with him just feels so right. I feel so normal, I feel cared for. I feel like a lady. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel ashamed to be me. Until last night.

I had avoided the bi-polar conversation until I was sure things were heading in a good direction. And last night I just kind of blurted it all out. Not very eloquently, but I said what I had to. The first thing he did besides look a little taken a back?

Asked me about my sexual relationships and when I told him of my promiscuous tales ( I was just being honest after all) he did not look happy. I explained that it was a mistake, that it doesn’t define who I am, but he still looked at me in that way. The way that I’ve been looked at countless times after my crazy manic spell.

Later he wanted to know how many people I’d been with in total. I told him 5. He was shocked (I don’t know why, it’s not like I screwed the whole world) and said he has only ever had sex with girls he loved.

So I understand he is just conservative with maybe slightly differing morals. But is that any reason to make me feel like a whore? (Okay I know that wasn’t his intention but I certainly felt like it). And I’ve only known this guy for a month. What gives him the right to get all personal anyway?

I try rationalize it and place it in context. I tell myself he is just conservative and really likes me and guys generally have a problem with their partner’s sexual history in this kind of territorial way. But really, that’s no excuse for the interrogation and the subsequent telling me he “needs to think about things.”

So I’ll give it a few days. See what he comes up with. I’m willing to wait a little, after all it must have been quite a shock top him.

But I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be happy and I feel like he could make me happy. But I need to accepted for everything, including my shitty past. Everyone has one.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in Bipolar, mania, Relationships

 

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I feel depressed.

Not in general, but definitely today. I just feel so sad. So useless. So lonely.

I’m missing a friend, was hoping to see him again soon. But things have just gotten so complicated. I don’t know when I will see him.

I go back to Varsity tomorrow. Which is good I know, I am keen to getting back to doing some work, stimulating my mind a little. But I’m also a tad freaked out. My final year, so much work. I’m nervous. I know that’s just the depression whispering “you’re useless” into my ear.

The weather is very rainy. I love rain, but not today. I wish there was some to fry my brain a bit. Rain always makes me think too much.

And I’m lonely. So so lonely. I miss the aforementioned friend, Gee. Wish I could just hug him or something. But like I said, shits’ complicated there. So that’s where the loneliness is kicking in. I miss being in a relationship (kind of). I have a few dates lined up and I ma seeing my good friends, so I’m not alone as much as I feel alone. I think my mind is just lonely. It feels lonely all up in my head. There’s plenty of voices, telling me how pathetic and stupid I am and reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made but besides for that it’s lonely in there. Does that make any sense or does it just sound insane?

My daughter is getting bigger everyday. Things with her father are terrible. He’s a dick. It’s as simple as that. And is not contributing a cent towards her life. So that’s depressing all in itself.

But what I mean is my babygirl is getting so big and I feel like I’m doing a terrible job. That my bipolar is going to ruin her life someday. That I’m going to hurt her. Once again. Just the depression talking.

Right?

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2013 in Bipolar, children, Relationships

 

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