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Motivation and Medication

Motivation…I have none of.

Medication…plenty.

Being on Abilify has so far not done very much for me. Granted it’s only been a few days but still, I want to see results dammit! I still feel kind of depressed and sluggish and swing between despair to excitement within minutes of each other. Really weird. I was hoping by now I would be all better and ready to tackle the world-

however

I have none of that stuff that makes you want to do stuff. You know? I have just written a therapeutic psychology test which I definitely didn’t study hard enough for BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I guess another part is that I don’t feel motivated right now to just want to do it. Like I said in my previous post, this is bad because my degree is just so close. A few months away. All I have to do is work super hard and I can graduate with some really good marks and be well on my way into an honour’s programme. But how can I do this all when all I really want to do is sleep, talk to my on/off boyfriend and drink coffee. I look at my textbooks and just feel…blah…instead of the excitement and hopefulness I used to feel. So maybe it’s a bit of burnout? I have been at this full time non stop studying thing for 3 years now. So surely being a bit tired and unmotivated-ish is unavoidable really?

But then why is everyone else around me doing so well and I’m stuck on a swing.

Back and forth between happy and sad.

Excited and hopeless.

Back and forth between nothing and everything.

 

So how long til that Abilify kicks in?

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Posted by on August 15, 2013 in Bipolar, Medication

 

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When does something make you…or break you?

How do you decide that something is going to make you stronger or break you down entirely?

It is a decision in a way…you either pick yourself up and try harder or you pull into your shell, feel the pain, and allow yourself to be broken for a little while.

The dumbest little things can send me into a spiral. I’ve got very high expectations of myself. I do not handle failure or rejection very well. I can barely stand criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do expect certain things from myself, things that I know I’m capable of.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months. Hell, I’ve been through a lot since 2011. The day I found out I was pregnant. Since having my babygirl things have been a struggle. Since flipping my lid in October it’s been a long hard road of healing. And I’m still not there yet.

My university work is very, very important to me. I work fucking hard. At least most of the time. I put in the hours and I do what I need to. I try my best.

So when something goes wrong I’m usually quite devastated.

I had to take research psychology as a module where a lot of statistics work was involved. I know my strengths, and anything to do with numbers is not one of them. I studied really hard, took a test I was confident for and ended up making a REALLY stupid, obvious mistake in my calculations. It dawned on me as I walked out the venue and I couldn’t go back. So I got 16% for that test, which brought my 76% average down to 46%. Now, I work to get distinctions, which is an average of 75 across my 3 modules. Now I’m sitting with 46 for this module which means I need to get at least 50% in the exam to pass this module for this semester. If I don’t, I wont graduate the same time as my friends. My degree will be put on hold. I will officially suck at life.

So yeah, I guess this is something that would break. Completely send me into a spiral of self loathing with my confidence completely shattered. I would likely up my rivotril dosage so I don’t become too worked up, which would cause my brain to be forgetful which would greatly effect my other exams IF I CAN’T REMEMBER FUCK ALL. Which happened the end of last year.

So, I’m upset. This upsets me. I wan’t to cry.

But I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to give in. I am months away from holding my degree in my hand (provided I actually pass) and why let this break me?

I look at all I’ve been through. I look at all I faced. How can I let one, stupid test shatter my self confidence?

I can’t really break, at least not right now.

And I’m definitely not going to.

 

“Ever Failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.” – Samuel Beckett.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Random

 

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Cup of Coffee

Every morning I sit and enjoy a nice strong cup of coffee and I sit and read through all the blogs that I follow. Though I don’t comment much I do enjoy all of your writing. You are all such interesting people! I often use this time to think and reflect a bit. I listen to some music and just sit and just be me. Lately I’ve been thinking of how far I’ve come since my world crumbled down last October. Oh, that dreadful few weeks where I just lost control completely. When I lost me completely.

And now look. I have never been so happy in my relationships with my family. I have this beautiful and wonderful man in my life. I am so excited about my future, I’m almost done with the first semester of my last year. I will have a BA degree in Psychology soon. Just on my way to getting my qualifications that are needed for me to call myself a Psychologist. I plan to branch off into the forensic field. I’ve already got my eye set on the place I want to work – IPS ย and their forensic and investigative psychology unit.

Saturday night I went and saw Metallica live in concert with 3 of my brothers and S. It was amazing! We don’t often get such big acts here in South Africa, but when we do, it is awesome ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve also started saving for a trip I want to take at the end of the year with my boyfriend. Maybe to Thailand. Considering I have a small part time job and a student budget it”s going to be a bit tricky. I have this savings account that my grandmother set up for me to use to complete my studies. For the past 3 years I have gotten bursaries for getting my distinctions for different subjects. I’m going to use the money I have saved from these bursaries to contribute to my trip as a little graduation present. All that studying has BEEN SO WORTH IT!

Well I don’t have much to say really.

OH, I had a brief stay in hospital. But I’ll blog about that later when I have more time. It’s an interesting story.

But now I’m going to drink my coffee and carry on reading all your blogs ๐Ÿ™‚

 

xxx

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2013 in Random, Relationships

 

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No Words

I’m feeling better today. A little, not completely.

Had my first day back as a third year psychology student. History is my second major and I’m pretty excited about that. My schedule is pretty cool, only morning classes (even though they are very early). So I’m glad to get back into he swing of things and just take my mind off all the bullshit that keeps circling around in my head.

An idle mind is MOST DEFINITELY the devil’s playground.

xxx

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2013 in Bipolar, Depression

 

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