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Motivation and Medication

Motivation…I have none of.

Medication…plenty.

Being on Abilify has so far not done very much for me. Granted it’s only been a few days but still, I want to see results dammit! I still feel kind of depressed and sluggish and swing between despair to excitement within minutes of each other. Really weird. I was hoping by now I would be all better and ready to tackle the world-

however

I have none of that stuff that makes you want to do stuff. You know? I have just written a therapeutic psychology test which I definitely didn’t study hard enough for BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I guess another part is that I don’t feel motivated right now to just want to do it. Like I said in my previous post, this is bad because my degree is just so close. A few months away. All I have to do is work super hard and I can graduate with some really good marks and be well on my way into an honour’s programme. But how can I do this all when all I really want to do is sleep, talk to my on/off boyfriend and drink coffee. I look at my textbooks and just feel…blah…instead of the excitement and hopefulness I used to feel. So maybe it’s a bit of burnout? I have been at this full time non stop studying thing for 3 years now. So surely being a bit tired and unmotivated-ish is unavoidable really?

But then why is everyone else around me doing so well and I’m stuck on a swing.

Back and forth between happy and sad.

Excited and hopeless.

Back and forth between nothing and everything.

 

So how long til that Abilify kicks in?

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 15, 2013 in Bipolar, Medication

 

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When does something make you…or break you?

How do you decide that something is going to make you stronger or break you down entirely?

It is a decision in a way…you either pick yourself up and try harder or you pull into your shell, feel the pain, and allow yourself to be broken for a little while.

The dumbest little things can send me into a spiral. I’ve got very high expectations of myself. I do not handle failure or rejection very well. I can barely stand criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do expect certain things from myself, things that I know I’m capable of.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months. Hell, I’ve been through a lot since 2011. The day I found out I was pregnant. Since having my babygirl things have been a struggle. Since flipping my lid in October it’s been a long hard road of healing. And I’m still not there yet.

My university work is very, very important to me. I work fucking hard. At least most of the time. I put in the hours and I do what I need to. I try my best.

So when something goes wrong I’m usually quite devastated.

I had to take research psychology as a module where a lot of statistics work was involved. I know my strengths, and anything to do with numbers is not one of them. I studied really hard, took a test I was confident for and ended up making a REALLY stupid, obvious mistake in my calculations. It dawned on me as I walked out the venue and I couldn’t go back. So I got 16% for that test, which brought my 76% average down to 46%. Now, I work to get distinctions, which is an average of 75 across my 3 modules. Now I’m sitting with 46 for this module which means I need to get at least 50% in the exam to pass this module for this semester. If I don’t, I wont graduate the same time as my friends. My degree will be put on hold. I will officially suck at life.

So yeah, I guess this is something that would break. Completely send me into a spiral of self loathing with my confidence completely shattered. I would likely up my rivotril dosage so I don’t become too worked up, which would cause my brain to be forgetful which would greatly effect my other exams IF I CAN’T REMEMBER FUCK ALL. Which happened the end of last year.

So, I’m upset. This upsets me. I wan’t to cry.

But I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to give in. I am months away from holding my degree in my hand (provided I actually pass) and why let this break me?

I look at all I’ve been through. I look at all I faced. How can I let one, stupid test shatter my self confidence?

I can’t really break, at least not right now.

And I’m definitely not going to.

 

“Ever Failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.” – Samuel Beckett.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Random

 

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