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Breaking Up

…it sucks.
Like mega mega sucks.
I knew me and S were fairly incompatible from the beginning. That didnt stop us from really,  really falling for each other. I have had it bad.

Ah. Whatever. I’m fucking heart broken.

It’s been coming for about 4 weeks now so it’s not a complete shocker. But still.
It is related to my bi polar.  I haven’t been stable therefore my dealings with him have been awful leading to an extremely unstable,  complicated relationship.
It’s not all me. This man has some serious issues in his own way. I loved him regardless. It’s just that I really messed up in a complicated way and now I’ve got to face the consequences.

Okay this post is not making any sense but not a whole lot is making sense in my life right now. Hence my decision to get myself booked into hospital/clinic/rehab/crazy person place this week.  Once I’ve had a chat with my doctor ofcourse.
I could just be being dramatic.

I dont know?

Guess I’m breaking up in more than just one way.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on August 17, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

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Self Mutilation

Touchy subject I know. But something I have become more aware of since I started this blog. Obviously I was exposed to it as a teenager, from friends and through media and such. I’m not quite ready to tell my story yet. But I thought I’d delve into the topic in a more objective way.

According to the website http://www.twloha.com/facts/ and my 2 year experience studying psychology self mutilation is most prevalent among women and girls and especially during the teenage years. (Though I believe males are just as likely to self harm – it’s just not as reported).

It can take the form of cutting, burning (with cigarettes or a lighter – I remember a type of fad in high school where kids would heat up a lighter and press it to their skin, leaving a kind of ‘smiley’ imprint. Yes, that’s a form of mutilation). It can be eating disorders, hair pulling, punching ones self, picking at wounds or bare skin and of course using drugs or alcohol excessively (although that’s more self destructive behavior).

Basically, self mutilation involves hurting yourself to the extent it leaves marks and causes physical pain to the body.

Now the psychological reasons for it vary. The most common reason is that it is a way for a person to find a release, to let out feelings of pain that they are otherwise unable to express, by hurting themselves physically. It is a kind of relief I suppose and lets them relieve themselves of their pain, if only for a moment. That is the most accepted reasoning by psychologists.

However I have a slightly different take on it. Speaking to people who self mutilate I came across some interesting different reasons. Some say they do it to see the blood, it’s like a rush, a type of high. Some say they do it to actually feel somethingThey feel numb mostly, and cutting or hurting one self is a way of actually feeling something. I’ve heard people admit they do it for attention, particularly teenagers. They want to show people they are in pain and don’t have the communication skills quite yet to vocalize and describe their emotional and mental issues. And that’s okay. I had girls in high school who would show off their scars and wounds and back then I judged them, secretly (and hypocritically) because I viewed it as something that should be kept a deep dark secret. But now I see that a cry for attention, no matter what shape or form it comes in, deserves some acknowledgment.

Self mutilation is more than just finding a way to release the pain you feel inside. Often it is done by those with low self esteem; people who think they don’t deserve good things. That they don’t deserve to be loved or cherished and they internalize that and the self loathing takes the form of self harm.

I’m not a doctor or anything (yet!) These are just my opinions.

I don’t really have much more to say, other than I want to just hug anybody who self harms; it is something that is so deep rooted and that person deserves love and support, not judgment or anger. And to anyone who does self mutilate, you’re definitely not alone. I can only encourage you to seek therapy and find constructive ways of dealing with whatever emotions drive you to hurt yourself.

The above web site has some great advice. Here are some others:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself ( a kind of guide on how to stop)

‘To write love on her arms’ is a group online (and on face book I think that deals with this whole thing. I think they’re great).

If I’m not mistaken it was based on a song (or the other way around). Here it is – by Hawthorne Heights

She’s upset
Bad Day
Heads to the dresser drawer
to drive the pain away
Nothing good can come of this
she opens it
there’s nothing
there only leftover tears
mom and dad have no right she screams
Anger runs down both of her cheeks
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
All Alone the way she feels’
left alone to deal with
all the pain drench sorrow relief
Bite the Life Just forget the Bleeding
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
Curled up on the floor
relief left,
she had hoped for something more
from it…
hoped for something more from it

and he leans down to comfort her
she is weeping as he wraps his arms
around and around and around her
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
It only gets worse
the deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
the deeper you cut
it only gets worse..
Gets worse!
But She’s slowly opening
but she’s slowly opening…
New Eyes
And then she opened her eyes
and found relief in his life
and put down her knives
and then she opened her life
Found relief through his eyes
then put down…
She put down…
Her knife!

Okay so it’s a little depressing – but this whole subject is hard!

To Write Love on Her Arms

** If this image belongs to anyone, let me know so I can give credit.

 

So to anyone out there struggling out there with this. You’re not alone. And I send you a big giant hug. There is help and there is hope.

xxxx

 

 
16 Comments

Posted by on November 9, 2012 in Depression, Self Mutilation

 

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