RSS

Tag Archives: bipolar

Breaking Up

…it sucks.
Like mega mega sucks.
I knew me and S were fairly incompatible from the beginning. That didnt stop us from really,  really falling for each other. I have had it bad.

Ah. Whatever. I’m fucking heart broken.

It’s been coming for about 4 weeks now so it’s not a complete shocker. But still.
It is related to my bi polar.  I haven’t been stable therefore my dealings with him have been awful leading to an extremely unstable,  complicated relationship.
It’s not all me. This man has some serious issues in his own way. I loved him regardless. It’s just that I really messed up in a complicated way and now I’ve got to face the consequences.

Okay this post is not making any sense but not a whole lot is making sense in my life right now. Hence my decision to get myself booked into hospital/clinic/rehab/crazy person place this week.  Once I’ve had a chat with my doctor ofcourse.
I could just be being dramatic.

I dont know?

Guess I’m breaking up in more than just one way.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on August 17, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , ,

Back to Blogging

Hi everyone!
I’m back. Took long enough.  Guess I just needed a break. I kept up with all ya’ll blogs now and it’s great to see so many sticking it out and trying their best at being healthy.

That’s what I’ve been doing but not always with success.
My epilepsy is well under control. I am happy about that 🙂

My bipolar is not entirely unstable but not great either. For some stupid reason I went off my zyprexa and experienced my first hypomanic state which is pretty interesting. I could do so much and function so well but then I became so irritable…and angry. I lashed out at everyone and stopped being able to concentrate which is terrible when you’re in you final semester of your final year of your BA degree!

I swung abit towards depression then too…and spent days in bed. Which is extremely unlike me

I knew something was up but didn’t really realize it until things got really bad with my boyfriend. So a few days ago I saw my doc and he has now put me on 5mg of Abilify which has so far made me restless/lethargic/hyperactive.
Weird hey?

So if any of ya’ll have some experience with Abilify please let me know your stories. Cause I’m finding this med incredibly strange right now.

Other than this short blog I dont have much to say. Again.

But my ramblings will come soon.

Take care everyone xxx

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 14, 2013 in Bipolar, Epilepsy, Medication

 

Tags: , , , ,

So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Broken Wings

This is kind of where I am right now

Broken Wings by Alter Bridge – great song.

Fight the fight alone

When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who’s to say
We won’t end up alone

On broken wings I’m falling
And it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I’m bleeding
And it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who’s to say
We won’t survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I’ll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all I’ll be

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 13, 2013 in Music, Random

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset – Young People with Mental Illness

A friend of mine at Varsity referred this song to me by Modest Mouse a while back, it’s pretty cool. Here are the lyrics:

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I’m not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it’s myself
And I’m trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I’ve change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon
I’ve changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

I especially love the last two lines. Really hits home.

So I wanted to write an informative piece on young people and mental illness. A lot of the blogs I follow are people older than me, more experienced than me. Having gone through years of struggles and joys with a mental illness you all have so much wisdom to share. And here I am, roughly 4 years into my bipolar and epilepsy diagnosis and I still have nothing of value to share really.

So I wanted to write from a young person’s perspective. In most cases, mental illnesses such as bipolar manifest themselves later in life, usually during a person’s early to late 20’s. It’s just one of those things – it’s when your brain is more developed and you’re emotionally more mature, a mental illness pops up with more dramatic force because even if you were living with it in your child or teenage hood it was usually boiled down to “childish tantrums” or “teenage mood wings.”

But anyway, here I am. I was 16 when diagnosed, and my word what a journey it has been. I always felt completely and utterly fucked up in comparison to my friends. (But often I’ve heard friends say how messed up they feel in comparison to me – just a weird young person thing I guess.) But it was so hard to get people to take me seriously. Confiding in someone would often go like this:

“So yeah, I’m bipolar. I have to take these meds and stuff.”:

“Bipolar? But isn’t that, like, an old person’s problem? Maybe you’re just pmsing.”

Aaaaaand cue the mental image of me punching this person in the face repeatedly.

Am I alone in thinking that a lot of people think bi polar and other illnesses are left for older people and that when you’re young there should be absolutely nothing wrong with you. That you’re imagining it or immature or a drama queen or that your doctor was just mistaken. Cause I’ve ran into that a lot. I had a stay in a mental institute and everyone there was older than me. There were a few younger people in their early 20’s and they were serial smokers and drinkers and not focused on their health at all…they just wanted to get out. So I felt really alone and second guesses myself and my wonderful doctor too.

But anyway, I’m waffling now.

I’ve done some research and calmed my mind a little. Bi polar effects people of ALL ages, not just “adults with fully developed brains”. I watched a documentary about kids, little kids, being diagnosed with bipolar with manic phases manifesting in extreme bouts of anger or violence. They have sleeping and eating and self esteem problems and often other issues such as epilepsy, asbergers and slight mental disabilities. But they also have a mental illness and have to deal with it as much as we have to. They just face more ridicule and play ground teasing and even bullying by other moms and dads because they are just so different.

I am going to do more research and write about it again, but yeah, bipolar and such can effect ANYONE. Of ANY age. It doesn’t discriminate.

Do any of you out there have any opinions on age and mental illness? How old were you when diagnosed.

Glad some of you are doing so well. Take care xxx

 
17 Comments

Posted by on January 6, 2013 in Bipolar, Music

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,