RSS

When does something make you…or break you?

How do you decide that something is going to make you stronger or break you down entirely?

It is a decision in a way…you either pick yourself up and try harder or you pull into your shell, feel the pain, and allow yourself to be broken for a little while.

The dumbest little things can send me into a spiral. I’ve got very high expectations of myself. I do not handle failure or rejection very well. I can barely stand criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do expect certain things from myself, things that I know I’m capable of.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months. Hell, I’ve been through a lot since 2011. The day I found out I was pregnant. Since having my babygirl things have been a struggle. Since flipping my lid in October it’s been a long hard road of healing. And I’m still not there yet.

My university work is very, very important to me. I work fucking hard. At least most of the time. I put in the hours and I do what I need to. I try my best.

So when something goes wrong I’m usually quite devastated.

I had to take research psychology as a module where a lot of statistics work was involved. I know my strengths, and anything to do with numbers is not one of them. I studied really hard, took a test I was confident for and ended up making a REALLY stupid, obvious mistake in my calculations. It dawned on me as I walked out the venue and I couldn’t go back. So I got 16% for that test, which brought my 76% average down to 46%. Now, I work to get distinctions, which is an average of 75 across my 3 modules. Now I’m sitting with 46 for this module which means I need to get at least 50% in the exam to pass this module for this semester. If I don’t, I wont graduate the same time as my friends. My degree will be put on hold. I will officially suck at life.

So yeah, I guess this is something that would break. Completely send me into a spiral of self loathing with my confidence completely shattered. I would likely up my rivotril dosage so I don’t become too worked up, which would cause my brain to be forgetful which would greatly effect my other exams IF I CAN’T REMEMBER FUCK ALL. Which happened the end of last year.

So, I’m upset. This upsets me. I wan’t to cry.

But I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to give in. I am months away from holding my degree in my hand (provided I actually pass) and why let this break me?

I look at all I’ve been through. I look at all I faced. How can I let one, stupid test shatter my self confidence?

I can’t really break, at least not right now.

And I’m definitely not going to.

 

“Ever Failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.” – Samuel Beckett.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Random

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Dystonia / Dyskinesia Reactions

I had a dyskinesia reaction to Geodon, which my doctor put me on to help the mania. It was like a rave party in my body. My legs and hands were spasming so bad people around me thought I was having a full blown grand mal seizure. I kept saying ti didn’t feel epilepsy-like. I was still fully conscious and understanding everything around me, I juts couldn’t stop the twitching. It was really weird. So off I went to hospital where I stayed for the night. Then I went home. Then I went back and stayed another night – and that’s when the casualty doctor figured I was having some kind of reaction and gave me a drug to counteract the geodon in my system.

I felt as high as kite after that. I had no clue what was going on around me for a few days. My mom was furious, how can a drug that’s supposed to help you actually CAUSE so much more damage?

So I decided I didn’t want to be on those meds, went back to hospital and stayed for about 2 days, just flushing all the drugs out my system with enough saline solution that I had to pee every hour. I also got a range of tests done, MRI, catscan, another eeg. And, well, I don’t have a brain tumour or anything (yay!) just the epilepsy…the electric pulses in my brain werk nie so lekker nie (afrikaans for my brain is fucked up). I was glad there is nothing hugely neurologically wrong of course. But I was bummed about having to change my psych meds. I’m now back on zyprexa. That little white pill that knocks you out and “makes you eat like a horse” (my doctors words!)

I’ve already gained about 2 kg and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Sigh. I mean it’s not too bad, I’m short, I weighed 51 kg about, I needed to put a bit of extra weight on. BUT I don’t want it to carry on! I’m way to vain for that shit.

Anyway, I found some cool info on dystonia/dyskinesia reactions. Read if interested:

A number of drugs are capable of causing dystonia. In most cases, people develop an acute dystonic reaction resulting after a one-time exposure. Symptoms may include intermittent spasmodic or sustained involuntary contractions of muscles in the face, neck, trunk, pelvis, and extremities. The symptoms are usually transient and may be treated successfully with medications such as Benadryl (diphenhydramine).

Another type of drug-induced dystonia is called tardive dystonia. Tardive dystonia is a form of tardive dyskinesia, which includes involuntary movements that resemble multiple movement disorders. The term tardive means “late” to indicate that the condition occurs some time after drug exposure, and the terms dyskinesia and dystonia describe the types of movements involved. Tardive dyskinesias are neurologic syndromes caused by exposure to certain drugs, namely a class of medications called neuroleptics which are used to treat psychiatric disorders, some gastric conditions, and certain movement disorders. The amount of exposure to such drugs varies greatly among patients. Tardive dystonia and dyskinesias may also develop as a symptom of prolonged treatment with levodopa in some Parkinson’s disease patients.

Drugs belonging to this class of neuroleptics include (trade name listed in parenthesis): Acetohenazine (Tindal), amoxapine (Asendin), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Permitil, Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane, Daxolin), mesoridazine (Serentil), metaclopramide (Reglan), molinndone (Lindone, Moban), perphanzine (Trilafrom, Triavil), piperacetazine (Quide), prochlorperzine (Compazine, Combid), promazine (Sparine), promethazine (Phenergan), thiethylperazine (Torecan), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), triflupromazine (Vesprin), and trimeprazine (Temaril).

Symptoms may develop after weeks or years of drug exposure. Both tardive dystonia and other tardive dyskinesias typically involve (but are not necessarily limited to) the muscles of the face. Symptoms may also include muscle spasms of the neck, trunk, and/or arms.

The movements typical of tardive dystonia are generally slower and more sustained than other dyskinesias, though the presence of a dystonic tremor in opposition to the main dystonia movement may cause a more rapid appearance of movement. Dyskinesias are usually characterized by quick, jerking movements that may include grimacing, tongue protrusion, lip smacking, puckering, and eye blinking. The arms, legs, and trunk may also be involved. Movements of the fingers may appear as though the individual is playing an invisible guitar or piano.

The frequency and pattern of movements may fluctuate. The predominant condition (for example if symptoms are mostly dystonic) will usually dictate the course of treatment.

 

(Not mine! Taken from http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/76.php)

It’s funny how meds made to help you can actually hurt you more. I was on the geodon since October then all of a sudden the reaction just cropped up. It sucks, I liked that medication. Just not the rave party in my muscles.

Oh well, it’s all a process of trying and failing I guess. Finding what works for you. I wish I didn’t have to use the Zyprexa, but my doc and I agreed I need to be on a anti-psychotic. Rather that then another trip to crazyland.

Peace and Love to everyone 🙂

xxxx

 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Reason

I started this blog as a way to to inform people about epilepsy and bi polar. I wanted to talk about my feelings a bit, to share things, I wanted it to be informative…

But somewhere a long the line I got lost under the words. It just turned so, so depressive.

Geez, self loathing? Anger? Depression? Here I am going on and on about forgiveness and moving on but this blog has just turned into a tangling mess of anger and sadness.

But no more. It’s time to get my sense of humour back. It’s time to write about all the things I wanted to write about. To get back to who I was. Who I am.

It’s time to grow up and get over it,

🙂

xxx

 
4 Comments

Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Emotional

I hate the way I feel right now.

I feel stressed. Anxious. Sad. Lonely. Scared.

And I don’t even know why. I have everything I could possibly need or want. A beautiful child, a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2013 in Random

 

Over You

“Over You” – Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

 

…oh how I wish that last bit was actually true…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Depression, Music, Random

 

Tags: , , ,

Cup of Coffee

Every morning I sit and enjoy a nice strong cup of coffee and I sit and read through all the blogs that I follow. Though I don’t comment much I do enjoy all of your writing. You are all such interesting people! I often use this time to think and reflect a bit. I listen to some music and just sit and just be me. Lately I’ve been thinking of how far I’ve come since my world crumbled down last October. Oh, that dreadful few weeks where I just lost control completely. When I lost me completely.

And now look. I have never been so happy in my relationships with my family. I have this beautiful and wonderful man in my life. I am so excited about my future, I’m almost done with the first semester of my last year. I will have a BA degree in Psychology soon. Just on my way to getting my qualifications that are needed for me to call myself a Psychologist. I plan to branch off into the forensic field. I’ve already got my eye set on the place I want to work – IPS  and their forensic and investigative psychology unit.

Saturday night I went and saw Metallica live in concert with 3 of my brothers and S. It was amazing! We don’t often get such big acts here in South Africa, but when we do, it is awesome 🙂

I’ve also started saving for a trip I want to take at the end of the year with my boyfriend. Maybe to Thailand. Considering I have a small part time job and a student budget it”s going to be a bit tricky. I have this savings account that my grandmother set up for me to use to complete my studies. For the past 3 years I have gotten bursaries for getting my distinctions for different subjects. I’m going to use the money I have saved from these bursaries to contribute to my trip as a little graduation present. All that studying has BEEN SO WORTH IT!

Well I don’t have much to say really.

OH, I had a brief stay in hospital. But I’ll blog about that later when I have more time. It’s an interesting story.

But now I’m going to drink my coffee and carry on reading all your blogs 🙂

 

xxx

 
7 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2013 in Random, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So far away

Staind – So Far Away

This is my life

Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
‘Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here it’s so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words

That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me ’cause I
I must be sleeping

I’m so afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don’t shake me

 

I love this song. All about having a new beginning, trying again, being so far away from all that was bringing you down.

I don’t write as much as anymore. I guess I’m really busy, don’t have a lot to say. I’ve been reading all your blogs though. You people are awesome and special.

Things are going so well with S. Everyday he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel wanted and special. He makes me feel like I want to be a better person, I want to try harder, work harder, be better. But in a healthy way of course, it’s not like he puts pressure on me or anything, He is nurturing and understanding. But seeing how successful he is and how far he has come in life makes me want to try harder at everything.

I’ve come down such a long, hard road. I’ve still got so far to go. But I feel so good. Better than I’ve felt in ages. I feel like I can forgive. Forgive others. But most importantly forgive myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the pain and hurt. I am not the bi polar.

I am not the bipolar.

And sure, I think about the friends I’ve lost and the completely fucked up things I did ALL THE TIME. It just wasn’t me, and I’m experiencing what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance (in retrospect) where my actions just don’t match my thoughts. I think that’s what makes it all so difficult. I know the person I am was not that person who was so manic and so depressed. But in a way it sets me free a little, knowing it’s not who I am. It was a mistake. Many mistakes, but gosh how I learned from them.

So yeah. This path of healing that I am on is starting to just all make sense.

And I’ve good music, good medicine, good therapy, a good family, and a wonderful kind boyfriend who is making everyday that much more beautiful. And great sex too, don’t forget the great sex. Oxytocin does wonders for the body. 🙂

Take care everyone.

Lot’s of love to blog land

xx

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 8, 2013 in Bipolar, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,